Episode 231

November 4, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Rick Perry] If you get this excited over a jug of syrup...not only can't you be president, you're no longer allowed in IHOP. What are you going to do when you notice there's chocolate chips in your pancakes? Piss your pants? Last week, on the show, I suggested that the candidates take mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on it. And then he spent an hour staring at his hand. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, "giving a speech."

New Rule: [slide of "Guy Fawkes" mask] Stop wearing these stupid masks. Now, I agree with your goals, Occupy Wall Street. But, that mask doesn't make you look revolutionary and threatening. It makes you look like Rip Taylor.

New Rule: [slide of Kim Kardashian kissing her now ex-husband] If people have to buy you a gift, take a plane trip to your wedding, rent tuxes, get time off from work, spend the night in a bed-and-breakfast, and listen to a holy man explain how a ring is like a circle, you have to stay together for at least a year. Come on, it's not like you're being driven apart by work. Fake it! We know you can do that. We've seen your sex tape.

New Rule: Chanel must admit that they are officially out of ideas for new fragrances. Introducing "Jersey." An intoxicating blend of industrial runoff, Camaro exhaust and ricotta cheese. "Jersey," the scent that asks, "What the f*** are you looking at?" [Maher shakes hands with Paterson] New Jersey!

New Rule: [slide of tabloid cover] Stop claiming that Justin Bieber is the father of your baby. He can't even make sperm yet. You want a cash payout, try this guy. [same tabloid cover with Herman Cain instead of Bieber]

Last week, on the show, I suggested that the candidates take mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on it. And then he spent an hour staring at his hand. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, "giving a speech."

And finally, New Rule: Since all Republican voters really want in a candidate is a devout Christian who, one, doesn't know s*** from Shinola, and, two, is proud of that, and, three, isn't named "Mitt" they should just go ahead and nominate Tim Tebow.

That's right. Take Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, the fan-favorite Christian who is in over his head on the football field, and put him somewhere where fan-favorite Christians who are in over their head are welcome: the Republican presidential race.

Now, if you haven't heard of Tim Tebow, he's the college quarterback-slash-religious nut the Broncos signed last year despite his having one tiny problem: he throws like a girl. I'm sorry, I take that back. Lots of girls throw. Naomi Campbell has a more impressive completion rate with cell phones.

But, that doesn't matter to the faithful, because Tim Tebow is so cuckoo for Christianity that he used to write Bible verses in the charcoal under his eyes. Creepy to some, but for redneck America, they couldn't love this guy more if he was sculpted out of bacon.

The words "man crush" don't begin to describe it. It is full-on gay.

It's like the way "Project Runway" contestants talk about chiffon.

But, last Sunday, Tim learned that although Jesus saves, he can't read NFL defenses, and he's terrible at throwing into coverage. A Yahoo Sports article on Tebow's performance used words like "atrocious," "terrible," "not even close to ready," and "Oh, my God." And I thought, funny, those are the same things I've been thinking about Herman Cain.

The difference - the difference being "in over your head" is an asset in today's Republican politics. Their base doesn't care that Cain thinks presidents sign Constitutional amendments, or that Michele Bachmann believes slavery was settled by the founders. Because knowing things is seen as an affront to the "all-knowing." And there's nothing they hate more than secular ed-heads trying to fix problems like poverty and healthcare.

Honestly, doesn't a lot of the Tea Party philosophy boil down to, "Who needs the government when you have Jesus?"

Today's Republican Party doesn't want a smart, experienced problem solver. They want a motivational speaker with a background in pizza. Both Cain and Rick Perry have attacked Mitt Romney for having a tax plan that did not fit on an index card. Yes, there's a growing, gnawing, dark suspicion among Republicans that Mitt Romney is...cover your ears, children....smart.

I'm not saying it's true. I'm just saying there's no proof it isn't.

Meanwhile, three of the Republican candidates have said God called them to be president. But, seriously, if God really did call all three to run for president, isn't he just f***ing with two of them?

Rick Perry, are you sure that was Jesus calling you and not just the Vicodin talking? Maybe he was calling Luke Perry.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Mitt Romney wants this more than any of you guys, and he, as always, will do whatever it takes to get the votes. And if that means coming up with a tax plan small enough that you can write it under your eye, then that's what he will do.

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