New Rule: [slide of Rick Perry] If you get this excited over a jug of syrup...not only can't you be president, you're no longer allowed in IHOP. What are you going to do when you notice there's chocolate chips in your pancakes? Piss your pants? Last week, on the show, I suggested that the candidates take mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on it. And then he spent an hour staring at his hand. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, "giving a speech."
New Rule: [slide of "Guy Fawkes" mask] Stop wearing these stupid masks. Now, I agree with your goals, Occupy Wall Street. But, that mask doesn't make you look revolutionary and threatening. It makes you look like Rip Taylor.
New Rule: [slide of Kim Kardashian kissing her now ex-husband] If people have to buy you a gift, take a plane trip to your wedding, rent tuxes, get time off from work, spend the night in a bed-and-breakfast, and listen to a holy man explain how a ring is like a circle, you have to stay together for at least a year. Come on, it's not like you're being driven apart by work. Fake it! We know you can do that. We've seen your sex tape.
New Rule: Chanel must admit that they are officially out of ideas for new fragrances. Introducing "Jersey." An intoxicating blend of industrial runoff, Camaro exhaust and ricotta cheese. "Jersey," the scent that asks, "What the f*** are you looking at?" [Maher shakes hands with Paterson] New Jersey!
New Rule: [slide of tabloid cover] Stop claiming that Justin Bieber is the father of your baby. He can't even make sperm yet. You want a cash payout, try this guy. [same tabloid cover with Herman Cain instead of Bieber]