Episode 230

October 28, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of battered face of Steven Tyler] Next time Steven Tyler tells us he lost his tooth and bashed his face in after passing out in a shower in Paraguay, he can't blame it on food poisoning. Oh, come on, Steve, it insults our intelligence. Next time, try a more plausible story like ‘Paula Abdul used my head to smash up her pills.'

New Rule: The label on the pill bottle has to say exactly how many you need to kill yourself. On "60 Minutes," Bernie Madoff's wife Ruth says she and Bernie tried to kill themselves by swallowing a bunch of Ambien. May I make a suggestion? Swallow more. That you survived isn't a sign from God. It's a sign you need to up the dosage.

New Rule: Don't use teargas to disperse "Occupy Oakland" protesters. What, you had to clear the park for the annual crack dealers' festival? It's Oakland! You should be grateful ANYONE wants to occupy it!

New Rule: Now that Mattel has released their "Totally Stylin' Tattooed Barbie," with pink hair, they also have to release a "I Cut Myself" Barbie with a pierced labia and a lip sore. Not to be a traditionalist, but can't we just let Barbie be Barbie: an anorexic gold-digger with huge, plastic tits?

New Rule: The folks at Playboy must admit they got swindled into paying a million dollars to see Lindsay Lohan naked. When they could have just bought her a drink.

Don't use teargas to disperse "Occupy Oakland" protesters. What, you had to clear the park for the annual crack dealers' festival? It's Oakland! You should be grateful ANYONE wants to occupy it!

And finally, New Rule: This Halloween, stop fretting that some stranger is going to put drugs in your kids' candy, and put the drugs in there yourself. Come on, this is America. Acid will be the healthiest thing they eat all day.

Do it. Put drugs in the Halloween candy!

Now, I know what you're thinking: Bill Maher, what a thing to say. We all know that too much of any drug can cause permanent damage. Just look at Rush Limbaugh.

You can't just decide to give a bunch of innocent, drug-free kids some sort of psychedelic. What if it interacts badly with their Wellbutrin, their Abilify, their Adderall, their Ritalin and their Monster energy drink?

The kids are on drugs, all right. The problem is, they're on the wrong drugs.

They're on a combination of processed sugar, so they can be mini-coke fiends, and mind-narrowing, pharmaceutical crap like Ritalin, that doesn't open up their minds, it "levels" and "controls" them. These drugs are all about keeping ratty children in check. Or, as we used to call it, "parenting."

Adderall is the drug of choice these days on campus. Oh, what fun. I don't know what I'd enjoy more, the extremely focused parties or the highly-detail-oriented sex.

But, here's the thing. When Steve Jobs was young, the drug of choice was acid. And Jobs told his biographer that dropping acid as a young man was one of the best things he ever did. Because when he took it with his girlfriend, the wheat field started playing Bach. Which is pretty unbelievable: a computer nerd had a girlfriend?

Now, maybe there's not a connection between LSD and genius, but it's something no great American ever said about a Kit Kat bar.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an iPod. And you definitely wouldn't have some of the best music in your iPod.

Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA while on acid. The Beatles made "Sergeant Pepper" while on acid. I made "D.C. Cab" while on acid. And the list goes on and on.

And it's not just anecdotal. In a study from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine last month, scientists found that a single dose of psilocybin - which is the drug in magic mushrooms created a - quote - "long-term positive personality change" in most patients. People improved in the areas of sensitivity, imagination and broadminded tolerance of others.

In pharmaceutical-speak, psilocybin is known as an "a**hole-inhibitor." And, couldn't we use a little more of that? Have you seen a Republican debate lately? If ever there was a group who could stand to take a sensitivity pill and employ "broadminded tolerance of others," it's these people.

This nation faces enormous challenges, and the biggest idea we've heard from them so far was, "Let's build a fence that electrocutes Mexicans."

Steve Jobs literally learned to "think different." And if you can get insight from LSD or mushrooms, or for that matter, from licking a toad, then bring me Kermit the Frog, and I'll stick my tongue right down his throat.

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