New Rule: [slide of battered face of Steven Tyler] Next time Steven Tyler tells us he lost his tooth and bashed his face in after passing out in a shower in Paraguay, he can't blame it on food poisoning. Oh, come on, Steve, it insults our intelligence. Next time, try a more plausible story like ‘Paula Abdul used my head to smash up her pills.'
New Rule: The label on the pill bottle has to say exactly how many you need to kill yourself. On "60 Minutes," Bernie Madoff's wife Ruth says she and Bernie tried to kill themselves by swallowing a bunch of Ambien. May I make a suggestion? Swallow more. That you survived isn't a sign from God. It's a sign you need to up the dosage.
New Rule: Don't use teargas to disperse "Occupy Oakland" protesters. What, you had to clear the park for the annual crack dealers' festival? It's Oakland! You should be grateful ANYONE wants to occupy it!
New Rule: Now that Mattel has released their "Totally Stylin' Tattooed Barbie," with pink hair, they also have to release a "I Cut Myself" Barbie with a pierced labia and a lip sore. Not to be a traditionalist, but can't we just let Barbie be Barbie: an anorexic gold-digger with huge, plastic tits?
New Rule: The folks at Playboy must admit they got swindled into paying a million dollars to see Lindsay Lohan naked. When they could have just bought her a drink.