New Rule: If you're a despised, Middle Eastern despot, you have to find a better hiding place than a hole. The record so far: pro-democracy forces 2, holes 0. Here's a tip, president of Yemen: go on Netflix and rent a movie called "Panic Room."
New Rule: Now that Carson Kressley has been kicked off "Dancing With the Stars," scientists must admit that it is, in fact, possible to be too gay.
New Rule: Instead of serving me your "macaroni-and-cheeseburger with crumbled pork rinds on it, just take one of those squeeze ketchup bottles and write, "I hope you die" on my plate.
New Rule: If you buy the new $6,000 Kohler toilet with the touchscreen remote and iPod-doc, the "Occupy Wall Street" protestors get to come into your house and s*** in it.
New Rule: Never purchase sex pills from a shop in Chinatown. I bought a box of "Hard Ten Days." Oh, talk about false advertising. I was only hard for eight days. How do you explain that to your partner? And what's worse, the whole time, I had an insatiable desire to assemble iPhones.