Episode 229

October 21, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: If you're a despised, Middle Eastern despot, you have to find a better hiding place than a hole. The record so far: pro-democracy forces 2, holes 0. Here's a tip, president of Yemen: go on Netflix and rent a movie called "Panic Room."

New Rule: Now that Carson Kressley has been kicked off "Dancing With the Stars," scientists must admit that it is, in fact, possible to be too gay.

New Rule: Instead of serving me your "macaroni-and-cheeseburger with crumbled pork rinds on it, just take one of those squeeze ketchup bottles and write, "I hope you die" on my plate.

New Rule: If you buy the new $6,000 Kohler toilet with the touchscreen remote and iPod-doc, the "Occupy Wall Street" protestors get to come into your house and s*** in it.

New Rule: Never purchase sex pills from a shop in Chinatown. I bought a box of "Hard Ten Days." Oh, talk about false advertising. I was only hard for eight days. How do you explain that to your partner? And what's worse, the whole time, I had an insatiable desire to assemble iPhones.

If you're a despised, Middle Eastern despot, you have to find a better hiding place than a hole. ... Here's a tip, president of Yemen: go on Netflix and rent a movie called "Panic Room."

And finally, New Rule: Republicans have to stop calling the Wall Street protestors "hippies." Yes, they're peeing outdoors and having sex in sleeping bags - or, as Bristol Palin calls it, "dating" but, they're not hippies! The hippies are all gone. Woodstock was 42 years ago. Forget the brown acid. The people who were at Woodstock are now taking the blue Viagra.

"Turn on, tune in, drop out," refers to their hearing aids.

Wavy Gravy is 75 years old. He's making "wavy gravy" in his pants.

Now, last Saturday, I was in our nation's capital, and I had the chance to see for myself what was going on, when I visited "Occupy D.C." [slide shown] Everyone was extraordinarily well-behaved. And, contrary to reports, I was not offered a single marijuana cigarette. And I'm a little insulted.

All right, someone did give me a magic mushroom and it did blow my mind. And I thank you, Senator McConnell. And, sorry about your eyebrows. I'm sure they'll grow back.

Anyway, the next morning when I woke up, bloody and naked in the woods, I had a "relevation" - I mean, a revelation. Of course conservatives want to make this about hippies because they like to live in the past.

Rush Limbaugh, who really is too square to be a drug addict, said, "When the free drugs run out, when the free sex runs out, they'll get bored and move on to something else." Oh, that's right, grandpa. Look at them, strumming their sitars and wearing dungarees. Whatever happened to the good old days of segregation and date rape?

But, I get it. You're bitter because we fought a culture war in the sixties, and the right lost. Rick Santorum is like that Japanese soldier on the island who doesn't know the war is over. So, he's still fighting against birth control and butt sex.

Plus, Republicans are now mostly a Southern party. And if there's one thing Southerners don't do well, it's lose a war and get over it. But, that war is, indeed, over. The ideals of the youth movement became assimilated into American society. That's why we have gays in the military now, and prenatal yoga classes and "tofurkey." And that's why Rick Santorum will never be president, and a black guy who snorted cocaine is.

It's also why there's not going to be a repeat of what happened the last time the hippies were in the streets. Those hard-hats that you're depending on to turn against the lousy hippies, here's what they're doing now. They're cheering them on. Because now the hard-hats are just as broke as everybody else. These people down there, they're not the counter-culture. They're the culture.

They don't want free love. They want paid employment. They don't hate capitalism. They hate what's been done to it. And they resent the Republican mantra that the market perfectly rewards the hard-working and punishes the lazy, and the poor are just jealous mooches who want a handout.

Yeah, because if there's one group of people who hate handouts, it's Wall Street.

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