Episode 228

October 14, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Your Occupy Wall Street sign has to be smarter than the Tea Party signs. [slide of sign reading: "S*** is f***ed up and bulls***."] This is not a high bar to get over, people. It's like asking your breath to smell better than your a**. I mean, I can go for the "S*** is f***ed up" part, but the part where s*** is also bulls***, that's a little redundant.

New Rule: The so-called "Underwear Bomber" who pled guilty this week must stop referring to the device concealed in his pants as "the blessed weapon." Because that's what I call the device concealed in my pants. Also, if your bomb plot was a spectacular failure that only succeeded in lighting your balls on fire you don't get to talk smack at your trial warning us that "if you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later." Well, let me be the first to say, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." You kill me, Omar. Oh, wait, that's right, you didn't kill me. Or anyone else. Because you suck at jihad.

New Rule: The Olsen twins have to take at least one photo that doesn't look like if you turned on the light, they would scurry under the refrigerator.

New Rule: [slide of "funnel bacakonator"] It's not a treat if I don't know whether to eat it or put my cigarette out in it. This is the latest NASCAR concession/food, the "funnel bacakonator." A 1,300-calorie funnel cake covered in bacon and chocolate sauce. You can either eat one, or if you're in a hurry, just wander out onto the track.

New Rule: Hank Williams, Jr., must compare Herman Cain to Hitler. At least that would make a little bit a sense, since the man keeps shouting, "Nein, nein, nein!"

The so-called "Underwear Bomber" who pled guilty this week must stop referring to the device concealed in his pants as "the blessed weapon." Because that's what I call the device concealed in my pants.

And, finally, stop attacking Mitt Romney's Mormon religion as a cult. Here's the difference between Mitt Romney and a member of a cult: A member of a cult actually believes something.

Charles Manson was a terrible house guest, but he wasn't a flip-flopper. He'd send teenagers to stab you, but he wasn't two-faced.

Jim Jones: full of hate. Mitt Romney: full of s***.

Now, last week, the 55 other Republicans running for president finally played the "Mormon" card on Mitt Romney. Ah, Protestants and Catholics getting all high and mighty on Mormons. It's like the common-sense-conservative version of when a child molester goes to prison and the murderers kill him.

"I'm a decent, mainstream Christian. When I heard there were Mormons here, I nearly dropped my snake."

It kind of reminds me of that famous picture of Sophia Loren looking at Jayne Mansfield's tits. [slide is shown] "Oh, come onna you tramp, you're gonna make us alla look bad."

And yet, having said that, I must say, Mormonism, God love it, it does take crazy to a whole new level. I mean, all religions are magic tricks. Mormonism is just a particularly bad, novelty-shop-level, intelligence-insulting magic trick.

This religion is so ridiculous, Tom Cruise would not join it, and Glenn Beck did. For example, there's one question I always like to ask prophets. And that is, what did you do before you got into the prophesizing business? And the answer, with many of them, but most prominently Joseph Smith, is, "I was a con man."

And I don't say this as just part of my normal religious snark. I mean, Joseph Smith was actually arrested for being the sort of sleazy grifter who, if he were alive today, would be spamming your inbox with ads for fake boner pills. Everywhere he went, he got in trouble for screwing people out of money. From New York, to Ohio, to Mississippi, to Missouri and Illinois, Smith had to keep moving to avoid angry mobs and prosecuting attorneys. Or, as rappers call it, "touring."

But, look, Mormonism is just the silly end of a larger problem, which is that religion itself is a con, and it's a con you pull on your own mind. It's not unfair to ask serious candidate Mitt Romney if he really believes that Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel in 1823 and translated them into-[air quotes]-"scripture" that contains not a single person or place name that has been shown to ever exist.

"Are you too gullible to be president if you believe in a world full of characters who appear in the historical record exactly as often as leprechauns?"

An election is a job interview, and if you hire a plumber who tells you he can't fix your toilet, but he'll pray for the water to recede, the six inches of s*** in your bedroom is what you deserve.

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