New Rule: Your Occupy Wall Street sign has to be smarter than the Tea Party signs. [slide of sign reading: "S*** is f***ed up and bulls***."] This is not a high bar to get over, people. It's like asking your breath to smell better than your a**. I mean, I can go for the "S*** is f***ed up" part, but the part where s*** is also bulls***, that's a little redundant.
New Rule: The so-called "Underwear Bomber" who pled guilty this week must stop referring to the device concealed in his pants as "the blessed weapon." Because that's what I call the device concealed in my pants. Also, if your bomb plot was a spectacular failure that only succeeded in lighting your balls on fire you don't get to talk smack at your trial warning us that "if you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later." Well, let me be the first to say, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." You kill me, Omar. Oh, wait, that's right, you didn't kill me. Or anyone else. Because you suck at jihad.
New Rule: The Olsen twins have to take at least one photo that doesn't look like if you turned on the light, they would scurry under the refrigerator.
New Rule: [slide of "funnel bacakonator"] It's not a treat if I don't know whether to eat it or put my cigarette out in it. This is the latest NASCAR concession/food, the "funnel bacakonator." A 1,300-calorie funnel cake covered in bacon and chocolate sauce. You can either eat one, or if you're in a hurry, just wander out onto the track.
New Rule: Hank Williams, Jr., must compare Herman Cain to Hitler. At least that would make a little bit a sense, since the man keeps shouting, "Nein, nein, nein!"