Episode 227

October 7, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Now that they're both free, Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony have to do a sitcom together. "She's a pretty party girl who probably might have gotten away with murder...and so is she! Tune in Tuesday for ‘Reasonable Doubt.'"

New Rule: It's time to admit that youth hostels are really just hotels that stopped giving a s***.

New Rule: Stop webcasting funerals. The company, "Memorial Streams"--which sounds like a porn star--is hooking up funeral homes with webcams, because nothing says "we miss you, grandpa" quite like watching his funeral on your iMac while eating Cheetos in your underwear. And you know the worst part? Knowing that your funeral will get a million fewer hits than a cat falling off a TV set.

New Rule: ChatRoulette, the website that allows people with webcams to randomly see and talk to other people on their webcams, must change its name to MenMasturbatingTalkingToOtherMenWhoAreAlsoMasturbating. I went on there and I've got to say I never felt more supported.

New Rule: Every American deserves a fair trial before a judge and a jury of his peers. Except this guy. I don't know what he did or is accused of doing, I just know he's guilty. Or the star of a new reality show on A&E called "Skull F***ers."

It's time to admit that youth hostels are really just hotels that stopped giving a s***.

And finally, New Rule: If you find yourself prefacing more than half the things you say with, "I'm not a racist, but...," you're probably a racist.

Now, this week, as you know, the Rick Perry campaign was haunted by the specter of a giant slab. No, not Chris Christie. I'm talking about Rick Perry's racist rock. Not that I'm saying Rick is a racist, because, after all, he's shown he will execute anyone regardless of race, creed or mental capacity.

But, consider this: Perry claims the rock that bore the camp's name was painted over back in the mid-eighties. But, others say it wasn't painted over, and even if it was, it was still visible until recently. Hunh. "Overtly racist bulls*** thinly painted over." Honestly, could anyone have written a better metaphor for the modern Republican Party?

Now, I know that sounds harsh, but I say it because in today's GOP, there's only one correct answer in a discussion about racism, and that is, there is no racism in America anymore, except reverse racism against whites; that s*** is real!

You know, like the Rapture.

Now, obviously, black America has made great strides. A black man has entered the Oval Office and several of the Kardashians.

But, if you think racism isn't a problem anymore, you must be living under a rock...on Rick Perry's hunting camp.

I mean, just listen to these statistics: blacks who kill whites are 16 times more likely to be executed than whites who kill blacks. Black unemployment is 17%. White unemployment is 8%. The median wealth of white households is 20 times that of black households. Thirty-nine percent of black children live in poverty, and the rest with Angelina Jolie.

And what is the Republican solution to these outrageous inequalities? There isn't one. And that's the point. Denying racism is the new racism. To not acknowledge those statistics, to think of that as a black problem and not an American problem; to believe, as a majority of Fox viewers do, that reverse racism is a bigger problem than racism-racism, that's racist.

I don't think Rick Perry hates black people. I just think he doesn't give a s*** what black people hate. The right is so screwy when it comes to race that when the story broke about Rick's rock, they got all mad at Herman Cain! Because they asked this black man, Herman Cain, if he thought the "n" word painted on what is essentially your mailbox out in front of your house, was insensitive to black people. And somehow, Herman said, "Yes." [makes buzzer sound] Wrong answer, Herman.

The correct answer is, "No, it's not offensive. And black people need to get over it and get a job and stop having such huge penises."

And that is the unwritten rule about being a black Republican. You're welcome in the party as long as you never, ever, ever mention race. Yes, even if you're asked a question about a place called the "N*****head Ranch," the correct response is, "Oh, the media, they're such a bunch of troublemakers. I think it's a fine name for a ranch. Thanks for inviting me. And what cool hoods you guys have."

"And, by the way, what are we hunting?"

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