Episode 226

September 30, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Conrad Murray] Just because someone else would have killed Michael Jackson with horse tranquilizers if you hadn't, doesn't change the fact that you killed Michael Jackson with horse tranquilizers. And, throughout all this trial hoopla, let's not forget the real victims: all those poor horses with insomnia.

New Rule: [slide of topless, female, Wall Street protestors] Those attractive, bare-breasted protestors on Wall Street must face the fact that going topless isn't going to draw attention to your cause and get you media exposure...oh, I see what you did there. Well played, ladies, well played.

New Rule: Admit it, we will all miss Andy Rooney. He fought for his country in either World War II, or I. He did 33 years on the best news show on TV. And at 92, if you woke him up in the middle of the night and shone a bright light in his face and asked him about Lady Gaga or postage stamps or office chairs, he'd still make more sense than Rick Perry.

New Rule: Since the economy won't come back until we start buying stuff, and the only stuff Americans buy is either anything from Apple or guns...Apple has to make a gun. Call it the "iKillyou." Although, if you want to get it to NRA - if you want to get it to NRA members, you probably can't sell it at the "Genius Bar."

New Rule: Starbucks has to stop watching me pee. In the third such incident this year, a Virginia man is suing after discovering a hidden camera in a Starbucks restroom. One sign your Starbucks barista has seen your penis: when you order the Grande and she says, "I don't think so."

New Rule: [slide of fox chasing hunting dog] Forget I asked. Now I can see why you named your hunting dog "George Bush."

Since the economy won’t come back until we start buying stuff, and the only stuff Americans buy is either anything from Apple or guns…Apple has to make a gun. Call it the “iKillyou.”

Finally, New Rule: Republicans have to stop begging Chris Christie to get in the race and accept the lousy candidates they already have.

Last week, Rick Perry was "the man," staring out from the cover of Time [slide shown] with a look that said, "America, I'm going to date-rape you." Yes, it was love at first s***-kick. And then came one middling debate performance, and now the "teabaggers" are, like, "Oh, Rick Perry, I wouldn't screw him with Tim Pawlenty's dick." I tell you, this party goes through favorites like Liza Minnelli goes through eyebrow pencils.

Now, I know they hate it when I say it, but the word for Republicans these days is promiscuous. First, they fell in love with Trump, because they remembered him from back in the ‘80s, when they were young and happy and their penises worked. But, "The Donald" turned out to be a lot like his hair: ridiculous, difficult to control and not very believable.

So...so then they switched to Michele Bachmann. But, she lacked a certain gravitas, or whatever the Latin word is for "brain." And she had some skeletons in her closet. Like her husband.

So, then they dropped her and convinced Rick Perry to run. Oh, yes, finally the conservative they were all looking for. But, then something horrible happened: Rick started talking. And he sounded so dumb that now they're even considering voting for a black guy.

The problem is that these candidates all look good from afar. And no one is more visible from afar than Chris Christie.

But, before you "teabaggers" embarrass yourselves yet again, let me share with you what Chris Christie looks like in the morning: he's for civil unions, he's for gun control, and he was for the Ground Zero mosque. And most damning of all, there's a picture of him doing the worst thing a Republican could get caught doing. [slide of Obama and Christie] Yes, he touched the "socialist Satan." And then smiled. So, save yourself the heartache.

And that's the downside to living in a fantasy world. For a Republican candidate to not disappoint you, he would have to be Jesus of Nazareth. And even Jesus would be toast after a few news cycles because "feed the hungry"? Sounds suspiciously like welfare. And "heal the sick"? For free?! That is definitely "Obamacare." And "turn the other cheek"? Maybe you didn't hear, Jesus, but this is the party that cheers executions.

So, here now, is the short campaign timeline of Jesus Christ, Republican Candidate:

Three days after Jesus announces he's in, a Gingrich spokesman reports that he "read Jesus' book"...and finds some aspects of it troubling.

Mitt Romney says Jesus' previous statements make him appear anti-business.

And Rick Perry asks if America is ready for a Jewish president. And then Rick eats a paint chip.

Day Seven: At the Republican debate, the other candidates pile on the new frontrunner. Michele Bachmann calls the "meek inheriting the earth" a "colossal expansion of the estate tax."

And Newt Gingrich scores the big zinger when he says, "Mr. Christ, America can't afford another cheek!"

Day Nine: "Teabaggers" start getting emails from their idiot brother-in-law about how Jesus is not even from this country. And was born alongside a bunch of animals in a manger and...not to harp on it, but where's the birth certificate?

And if he's a carpenter, is he too pro-union?

Day Ten: Jesus is now polling fourth behind Perry, Romney and the pizza guy.

And in a desperate attempt to gain credibility, he goes to New York and has coffee with Trump. Who pronounces him "a decent guy but a little effeminate."

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