New Rule: [slide of Conrad Murray] Just because someone else would have killed Michael Jackson with horse tranquilizers if you hadn't, doesn't change the fact that you killed Michael Jackson with horse tranquilizers. And, throughout all this trial hoopla, let's not forget the real victims: all those poor horses with insomnia.
New Rule: [slide of topless, female, Wall Street protestors] Those attractive, bare-breasted protestors on Wall Street must face the fact that going topless isn't going to draw attention to your cause and get you media exposure...oh, I see what you did there. Well played, ladies, well played.
New Rule: Admit it, we will all miss Andy Rooney. He fought for his country in either World War II, or I. He did 33 years on the best news show on TV. And at 92, if you woke him up in the middle of the night and shone a bright light in his face and asked him about Lady Gaga or postage stamps or office chairs, he'd still make more sense than Rick Perry.
New Rule: Since the economy won't come back until we start buying stuff, and the only stuff Americans buy is either anything from Apple or guns...Apple has to make a gun. Call it the "iKillyou." Although, if you want to get it to NRA - if you want to get it to NRA members, you probably can't sell it at the "Genius Bar."
New Rule: Starbucks has to stop watching me pee. In the third such incident this year, a Virginia man is suing after discovering a hidden camera in a Starbucks restroom. One sign your Starbucks barista has seen your penis: when you order the Grande and she says, "I don't think so."
New Rule: [slide of fox chasing hunting dog] Forget I asked. Now I can see why you named your hunting dog "George Bush."