New Rule: Don't even talk to me about "Spanx" for men. If you're a man who wears a girdle, you should also have to carry around a handbag with hard candy in it.
New Rule: Local transportation officials have to admit that those crosswalk buttons aren't hooked up to anything. It's just something for me to do while I wait for the light. And by "something for me to do," I mean touching my finger to the exact same spot touched by thousands of street people. And most likely catching herpes.
New Rule: If Facebook changes again, for no good reason, it has to also change its name from "Facebook" to "F***face." No, I don't need you to combine my top stories into a newsfeed that tracks activities in real time. I just want to see pictures of my old girlfriends to see if they got fat.
New Rule: If it's your turn to bring the team treat and you're out of cupcakes, have a better fall-back plan than blowjobs. Forty-four-year-old Kathia Davis is accused of having sex with three players on her 13-year-old's hockey team. Or what the kids call "a hat trick." What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull just humps your leg.
New Rule: The producers of "I Don't Know How She Does It" must get together with the producers of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and make a movie called "I Know What You Did Last Summer But I Don't Know How She Did It." In which Sarah Jessica Parker and her zany friends make hilarious observations about dating and shopping, and then a guy with a big sharp fisherman's gaff kills them.