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New Rules

New Rule: Don't even talk to me about "Spanx" for men. If you're a man who wears a girdle, you should also have to carry around a handbag with hard candy in it.

New Rule: Local transportation officials have to admit that those crosswalk buttons aren't hooked up to anything. It's just something for me to do while I wait for the light. And by "something for me to do," I mean touching my finger to the exact same spot touched by thousands of street people. And most likely catching herpes.

New Rule: If Facebook changes again, for no good reason, it has to also change its name from "Facebook" to "F***face." No, I don't need you to combine my top stories into a newsfeed that tracks activities in real time. I just want to see pictures of my old girlfriends to see if they got fat.

New Rule: If it's your turn to bring the team treat and you're out of cupcakes, have a better fall-back plan than blowjobs. Forty-four-year-old Kathia Davis is accused of having sex with three players on her 13-year-old's hockey team. Or what the kids call "a hat trick." What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull just humps your leg.

New Rule: The producers of "I Don't Know How She Does It" must get together with the producers of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and make a movie called "I Know What You Did Last Summer But I Don't Know How She Did It." In which Sarah Jessica Parker and her zany friends make hilarious observations about dating and shopping, and then a guy with a big sharp fisherman's gaff kills them.

And finally, New Rule: Americans must stop voting against their economic self-interest. This is something - this is something I have been saying for years. Michael, too. I even once dubbed it "Joe the Plumber" syndrome, after the broke, unemployed guy who hates it when you try to tax the rich, and whose candidate of choice this year was...Donald Trump.

You just want to shake poor Joe and say, "Joe, Trump is not one of you. The only thing you have in common is his hair looks like the stuff that clogs up the sink." It really does, doesn't it, when you're - when you're snaking?

But, then it hit me. Voting against your own economic interests? That's what I'm doing! I'm a millionaire. F***,yeah! When I pick someone to represent me, I should be seeing one of my own. Which is why tonight, I am announcing my appointment as regional fundraiser for the "Mitt Romney for President" campaign. [Maher brings out caps and hands them to everyone on the panel. He puts on his. It's inscribed: "Mitt's the S***."] I had these made up. If you'd - if you'd like to wear a - a "Mitt's the S***" cap. [panelists put on caps]

Now, watching the Republican debates these last couple of months has made me realize so many truisms that I just couldn't see before because I wasn't giving enough respect to my money. They've made me see that I'm not really rich. I'm something far more noble. I'm a "job creator." Sort of the same way Patagonian tooth fish became Chilean sea bass.

But, you know what? Just by suggesting - just by bringing it up, that he is going to tax me more, "Comrade Obama" has created an atmosphere of "uncertainty" that makes me skittish about creating more jobs. Yeah. I have been so freaked out, today at breakfast, I could barely butter my gold.  

You see, you poor people, you don't get how much-[air quotes]-"uncertainty" gives us job-creators the willies. It's terrifying. Like when you find out your private island has natives.

Or when your wife notices the maid's kid looks just like you.

Or when the limo driver tries to start a conversation.

So, tax me at a higher rate, if you like. You're practically firing yourselves. Because, I'll tell you something, I have been so s***ting in my pants about this "uncertainty" thing, that yesterday, I let go a dozen essential workers at my compound, including my TiVO programmer, my "manscaper," the liposuctionist, my gardener's personal trainer, my dog whisperer, the look-alike I hired to foil assassination attempts, my private farmer, the lady who dispenses the hand sanitizer after our pre-show prayer circle, the girl I pay to mistake me for Jon Hamm, and the guy who takes care of the shark tank. Which reminds me, I'm going to also have to let go two sharks!

But, mostly, I will miss Mister Peckinsniff, my marijuana valet for 28 years.

I'm sorry, my friend, but from now on, I'm going to have to select and roll my own. I'm joking, of course, Mister Peckinsniff has a job just as long as I'm able to draw breath and hold it and then blow it into my dog's face.

I guess what I'm saying is that the next time you hear anyone say "job creator," I want you to picture this. [slide of "The Situation" with bare chest] Look, he's literally giving you the shirt off his front. Yes, "The Situation" made $5 million last year. And if he has to pay a little more in taxes, it won't mean he's creating fewer jobs. It'll mean a tiny fraction of his money actually pays for the government that works to keep him alive.

The EPA that contains his oil runoff.
The postal service that delivers his body wax.
The Bureau of Weights and Measures who weigh his dumbbells.
The Centers for Disease Control that provides a steady supply of penicillin.
And the military, who keep the Taliban away. Because, if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you're looking at him.

Im not really rich. Im something far more noble. Im a job creator. Sort of the same way Patagonian tooth fish became Chilean sea bass.

Episode 225

September 23, 2011