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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Rick Perry] If youre attacking this man for being too liberal, you must ask your doctor if lithium is right for you. [laughter] At the Tea Party Debate, Governor Jesus McBangBang [laughter]was actually beaten up by the other candidates for being too far left on public health, immigration and taxes. Honestly, this man is not some kind of centrist Republican. This man is. [slide of Obama] [laughter] [applause] I tell them every week, Hes not your boyfriend. [laughter]

New Rule: If you dont have the good sense to avoid[slides of Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry with corn dogs shoved in their mouths] [laughter]if you dont have the good sense to avoid&if you dont have the good sense to avoid this photo-op, you cant be president. [laughter] [applause]

Yes, on the left, we see how Michele Bachmann makes Marcus Bachmann happy. [laughter] And on the right, we see what Marcus Bachmann thinks about when Michele Bachmann makes Marcus Bachmann happy. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: If you get to send me a ticket with a photo of me running a red light, I get to pay that ticket with a photo of me writing a check. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Lady Gaga and Chaz Bono have to get married. [laughter] Do they even know each other? Who cares. The point is, Pat Robertson will get so confused trying to figure out what hes angry about, his head will literally explode. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Now that we have elitist magazines like Wine Enthusiast and Beer Connoisseur, someone must publish a magazine for people who just like to get hammered. Presenting, Shitfaced. [slide of cover] [laughter] [applause] The magazine for the hopeless alcoholic.

And, finally, New Rule: You cant have a dialogue with people who dont speak your language. On the Internet this week, Al Gore presented the Climate Reality Project, a 24-hour marathon of global warming facts and figures designed to change the minds of climate skeptics.

Oh, Al, its going to take more than a Power Point presentation to convince Rick Perry that climate change is real. Rick Perry needs evidence, like a whale swallowing Jonah. [laughter] Or Moses parting the Red Sea. You know, facts. [laughter] [applause]

Which&which is why I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes. [laughter]

You know, Winston Churchill once said, In wartime, the truth is protected by a bodyguard of lies. In America today, Republican voters are protected by a bodyguard of Duh. A thick shell of super-hardened bullshit, a membrane so tough, the only thing that gets in is Fox News, and the only thing that comes out are misspelled signs and babies. [laughter] [applause]

Winston Churchill once said, In wartime, the truth is protected by a bodyguard of lies. In America today, Republican voters are protected by a bodyguard of Duh.

Episode 224

September 16, 2011

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