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New Rules

New Rule: America must stop putting the wrong people in cages. In Egypt, Hosni Mubarak is on trial from inside a metal cage. Other countries like Russia and Israel also put defendants in cages. But, who does America put in cages? Strippers. That's f***ed up!

New Rule: If the drug cartels go through the trouble of building a submarine and filling it with tons of cocaine for Americans to enjoy...let them. I don't want to sound like a Republican, but clearly the drug market is far too regulated, which places unnecessary costs on entrepreneurs. All while creating a climate of uncertainty that makes it impossible to do business. And I don't want to sound like a Democrat, but, "F***, that was my cocaine!"

New Rule: [slide of kitten] Glenn Beck has to adopt this kitten that's half-black and half-white and kind of reminds you of Hitler. And then he has to surprise no one and name it "Obama."

New Rule: Okay, you can't just make a TV show about "anything." Introducing the new season of "Storage Wars." Yes, "Storage Wars." Because, I know when my grandmother died and we had to move her assorted crap - old magazines and porcelain cats - into a storage locker, I couldn't stop thinking, boy, this would make for some great TV. And now that America has two shows about pawn shops and one about storage lockers, and one about hoarders and one about finding crap in old barns The Learning Channel must premiere a new show called "Stuff I Found Stuck to My Shoe."

New Rule: Debates held in the Internet "Comments" section have to make me hate all of humanity less. Here's a recap of every debate ever held in an Internet "Comment" section. Ready? "Obama's a socialist." "Oh, yeah? Bush is a war criminal, fag." "Who are you calling a fag,' faggot?" The end. And then, of course, someone chimes in with, "Ron Paul 2012!" and they call that guy a fag. And then I can't help myself, so I type, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! This is a porn site!"

And finally, New Rule: If we learned anything from this moronic debt-ceiling debacle, it's that government is a lot like the subway: people tend to give the crazy person what he wants.

The reason John Boehner could brag that he got 98% of what demanded was that he had an ace card in the 60-odd "Tea Partiers" in his caucus. I don't say "60-odd" because I'm not sure how many there are; there are 60 and they're odd. And Boehner could point to them and say, "Look, these guys don't give a f***. They don't want compromise and solutions. The only response they're going for is, "Oh, s***, how'd Skeeter get a gun?"

Yes, because we've all seen that movie where some psycho has a gun to a woman's head, and the rookie hostage negotiator isn't getting anywhere, so they bring in Mel Gibson. Who can relate to the psycho, because he's a psycho. That's what the Democrats need: their own Mel Gibson. The only way to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, Looney Tune, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy mother***ers.

So, please, liberals, start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere, where you might find angry, left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the "Tea Party" is a party within the Republicans. And to show that we will not back down in a "crazy-off" against anybody, the party within the Democratic Party will be called "The Donner Party."

That's right. We will literally eat each other before we give an inch! And this is our leader: "Face Ripper Monkey" That's right. We brought back Face Ripper Monkey.

And don't tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it's the ACLU or Greenpeace or MoveOn.org. Oh, please. Those are educated people. Lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad-dressers who can match the "Tea" people maniac for maniac, and say to them, "You think you be pea-brained, single-minded and purple with rage? Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired."

You say, "No new taxes on the rich?" We say, "Tax the rich at 100%."

You call for a Constitutional amendment banning abortion? We call for federally-funded, partial-birth abortions at the drive-through at McDonald's.

You want Reagan on the fifty-dollar bill? We insist on Janeane Garofalo.

Because, apparently "crazy" is the new "sensible." And we will not lose the war of bad ideas.

So, here's what else we want: Guns. Still legal, but no new guns may be produced. Therefore, to get one, you have to literally pry it from another guy's cold, dead hands.

Also, not only must gay history be taught in public schools, but also "gay math." With word problems like, "If the park ranger inspects the restrooms every four hours and it takes Glenn 12 minutes to get a stranger off, how many strangers can Glenn service between inspections?"

In any budget stalemate, the Donner Party will insist on a rider to the bill stipulating that Jesus is just a guy and if you so much as thank him for scoring a touchdown, the state will take your children.

And you must perform 200 hours of "community theater!"

And the other bill that I'm afraid the Donner Party must insist on is the "We Want Everything They Have" Act of 2011. Which guarantees all Americans what Europeans get, like free healthcare and six weeks of paid vacation. Which sounds so good, I think I'll start mine right now.

If the drug cartels go through the trouble of building a submarine and filling it with tons of cocaine for Americans to enjoy...let them. I don't want to sound like a Republican, but clearly the drug market is far too regulated, which places unnecessary costs on entrepreneurs...And I don't want to sound like a Democrat, but, "F***, that was my cocaine!"

Episode 223

August 5, 2011

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