New Rule: America must stop putting the wrong people in cages. In Egypt, Hosni Mubarak is on trial from inside a metal cage. Other countries like Russia and Israel also put defendants in cages. But, who does America put in cages? Strippers. That's f***ed up!
New Rule: If the drug cartels go through the trouble of building a submarine and filling it with tons of cocaine for Americans to enjoy...let them. I don't want to sound like a Republican, but clearly the drug market is far too regulated, which places unnecessary costs on entrepreneurs. All while creating a climate of uncertainty that makes it impossible to do business. And I don't want to sound like a Democrat, but, "F***, that was my cocaine!"
New Rule: [slide of kitten] Glenn Beck has to adopt this kitten that's half-black and half-white and kind of reminds you of Hitler. And then he has to surprise no one and name it "Obama."
New Rule: Okay, you can't just make a TV show about "anything." Introducing the new season of "Storage Wars." Yes, "Storage Wars." Because, I know when my grandmother died and we had to move her assorted crap - old magazines and porcelain cats - into a storage locker, I couldn't stop thinking, boy, this would make for some great TV. And now that America has two shows about pawn shops and one about storage lockers, and one about hoarders and one about finding crap in old barns The Learning Channel must premiere a new show called "Stuff I Found Stuck to My Shoe."
New Rule: Debates held in the Internet "Comments" section have to make me hate all of humanity less. Here's a recap of every debate ever held in an Internet "Comment" section. Ready? "Obama's a socialist." "Oh, yeah? Bush is a war criminal, fag." "Who are you calling a ‘fag,' faggot?" The end. And then, of course, someone chimes in with, "Ron Paul 2012!" and they call that guy a fag. And then I can't help myself, so I type, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! This is a porn site!"