Episode 222

July 29, 2011

New Rules

All right, New Rule: [slide of gay couple kissing] If you’re going to have a big gay-marriage weekend that kind of showcases gay marriage to the rest of the world...let the good looking ones go first. This photo doesn’t say it’s time to reevaluate our definition of marriage; it says there’s a special at SuperCuts.

New Rule: [slide of Boehner and Reid] John Boehner and Harry Reid must stop appearing together. This doesn’t look like a bipartisan approach to a complex problem. It looks like a before-and-after ad for embalming.

New Rule, and this one goes out to Michele Bachmann: Whenever you start to stress out over the rigors of campaigning, just remember the advice of your husband Marcus: that “you’re good enough, you are smart enough...and, doggone it, people like you.”

New Rule: The makers of the movie, “Final Destination 5,” must be locked in a room until they learn what the word “final” means.

New Rule: [slide of commemorative monument] Your states cannot officially commemorate an alien abduction. Sorry, New Hampshire, I know you think you saw something strange and new that you couldn’t explain. But, trust me, those weren’t aliens. They were minorities.

The makers of the movie, “Final Destination 5,” must be locked in a room until they learn what the word “final” means.

And finally, since no one is truly happy living a lie and denying who they really are, I want to direct this Rule at a certain group of people and say to them: New Rule: It’s time to stop fighting it and just come out of the closet. And the group I’m talking about is the American public, and the love that they’re denying is their love of socialism.

Now, I know that there are few words in America more toxic than “socialist,” and these days “big government spending” is about as popular as Casey Anthony at a Chuck-E-Cheese.

Yes, Americans say they hate socialism, but when it comes to Social Security, Medicare, unemployment, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, corporate welfare, bailouts and farm subsidies, what we really say to socialism is: “I can’t quit you.”

Americans don’t want less spending on healthcare. By almost two-to-one, they want more. Only seven percent of Americans are willing to do away with either Social Security and Medicare. And even 62% of Tea Party members say those programs are worth the cost. Yet, 91% of them say they want smaller government with fewer services.

They’re like the guy who’s been to prison and says, “Sure, I gargle with a guy’s balls every once in a while, and there’s nothing I love more than ass play with other men, but you know who I can’t stand? Fags.”

Remember this guy? [slide of man holding sign] The “Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare” guy? He’s not alone. In one survey, 40% of people who get Medicare say they have not used a government program. Really? Who do you think paid for that hip replacement? Your “secret Santa”?

The actor, and not very bright person, Craig T. Nelson once said about hitting some rough spots in his life that, quote, “I’ve been on welfare and food stamps, but anybody help me out? No.”

Or take Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Or as I like to think of them, “America’s Indoor Palins.” Yes, the Bachmanns, tireless advocates of cutting people off from the government tit. Well, it turns out they live on the tit. Their farm takes farm subsidies. Their counseling clinic takes Medicaid. And their mortgage was underwritten by Freddie Mac.

Michele knows civil servants are evil because she was an IRS agent. And Marcus hates government employees because “sailors are so rough.”

But, come on, if hypocrisy was uranium, they could power the planet.

And that’s what’s so hard about being a closeted lover of big government. You have to lie to yourself. But, that’s why I’m here tonight with a special message for all you deniers...It gets better. [title reading: “It Gets Better” accompanied by music]

Yes, there are millions of people in the world just like you, in nice places like Switzerland and Sweden. They enjoy high standards of living and freedom. And they’re socialists. Studies show they’re actually happier than we are. And that’s not surprising, because the only difference between American socialism and European socialism is, European socialism works.

For their tax dollars, Europeans get full healthcare coverage, a generous pension, daycare, long, paid vacations, maternity leave, free college and public transportation that doesn’t smell like pee.

Whereas, our tax dollars go towards military bases in Germany, subsidies to oil companies, building bridges to nowhere, wars, and putting half of Cheech and Chong in prison.

They get universal healthcare. We get a Blue Angels fly-over at the Fiesta Bowl. They get paid maternity leave. We get the “Octomom.”

They’ve got Airbus. We’ve got “the bus...”

Isn’t there anything we still do better? Even their paranoid, racist loners look like speed skaters! [slide of Anders Brevik]

And ours look like Porky Pig. [slide of Glenn Beck]