Episode 221

July 22, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Stop showing me that picture of Rupert Murdoch where the collar of the guy behind him makes it look like he has devil horns. Although I would like to see the replay of Rupert blocking that cream pie with his "tail." [slide of Murdoch's wife]

New Rule: If your museum hosts an exhibit on Gertrude Stein, you must prepare your staff for the likelihood that lesbians will show up. Yes, this week, two women were removed from a Gertrude Stein exhibit in San Francisco because they were holding hands. It's like if a family was removed from a pro-wrestling match for acting too white trash. Who do you imagine goes to Gertrude Stein exhibits? The Duke lacrosse team? Their giveaway wasn't the holding-hands part. It was the part where they were at a Gertrude Stein exhibit in San Francisco...

New Rule: Now that Disney is bringing back Winnie the Pooh, they have to explain why he wears a shirt but no pants.

New Rule: Climb down off that kid's ass who asked his parents if he could throw a party and then murdered them with a hammer when they said no. Hey, man, you've got to fight...for your right...to PARRRRTY! And the best part: he's from Florida. Wake up, eHarmony, we've got a perfect match for Casey Anthony! They could start dating right after a jury takes five minutes to acquit him. Right, that was controversial.

New Rule: Vaginas should be seen and not heard. Summer's Eve has a new ad with a talking hand-puppet vagina. Just what men need, another voice in the room asking, "What are you thinking?" Here's the deal: You retire the "verbose Va-J-J," and we will get rid of the "talking prick." [slide of Eric Cantor]

Who do you imagine goes to Gertrude Stein exhibits? The Duke lacrosse team?

And finally, New Rule: Anyone who is willing to sign your pledge while running for office is too much of a pu**y to deserve your vote. 2011 seems to be shaping up as the year of the pledge, as the current crop of Republican wannabes have signed pledges on everything from women in combat, prayer in school, handguns, cap-and-trade, and Newt Gingrich says he'll get a pizza to my house in under 30 minutes, and keep it warm in his car by f***ing his mistress on the box.

Oh, there's pledges to not raise taxes, pledges to end abortion, pledges to protect marriage from gay people. Pledges are how modern candidates send the message: "I'm not just a bigger asshole than you are; I'm willing to put it in writing."

Now, one of the reasons we've spent the last month arguing about the debt ceiling is that half of the new "teabag" Congress signed a vow to never raise taxes. Someone just handed them something, and it wasn't a gun, a crucifix or a fetus...so they signed it.

Why? Because we're "rugged individualists who love freedom; now excuse us while we sign this document swearing to do as we're told."

Pledge-mania started back in the ‘80s, when Grover Norquist, the most powerful man in America who still can't get laid started asking Republicans to sign his no-taxes-under-any-circumstances pledge. And 95% of them now have.

Then a few years ago, the RNC unveiled something called the "Resolution on Reagan's Unity Principal for Support of Candidates." What that means, no one knows. But it has the word "Reagan" in it, so it must be good. Because Republicans would buy a flavor of ice cream if it were called "Dog Sh*t and Reagan."

You try not to laugh but you can't. But, the stupidest pledge of all has to be the 12-point marriage pledge that binds the signers to fight gay marriage, ban porn, stay faithful to their spouse and fight Sharia law. That is one freaky to-do list.

Also, you have to - quote - "recognize the overwhelming statistical evidence that married people enjoy better sex." Just not necessarily with each other.

But, how is a president supposed to actually act on that? What is he going to have? A married-versus-single f***-off on the White House lawn? Then declare married sex the "king of beers"?

So, since it seems pledges are here to stay, tonight I am introducing my own pledge to be signed by all the candidates. I call it the "American Eagle Liberty Bill Ronald Reagan You're a Homo if You Don't Sign It" pledge.

And it has...seven planks:

One: After this, you pledge not to sign any more stupid pledges.

Two: You must pledge to not drive a truck or go hunting or eat in rural diners or do any other homespun, kiss-ass bullsh*t you don't normally do. In fact, your stump speech must be entitled, "Who needs Iowa? It's all fat f***s and corn."

Three: You have to swear to, once in a while, swear. I don't trust anyone who never swears. Just once, I want to see Ron Paul at a diner in New Hampshire, screaming, "God damn, that is a f***ing pancake!"

Four: No flag pins. You're running for president of the United States. I think we can safely assume you're on the team.

Five: No flannel shirts. You're the former ambassador to China, not the Brawny Paper Towel Man. Or as Marcus Bachmann says, "Ooh, you look like the Brawny Paper Towel Man."

Six: You must agree to stop saying, "The American people are smarter than that," and admit that, in fact, they are morons.

And Seven, and most important: If you become president, you must pledge that you will tell voters the simple truth: that America's best days are behind us...but that you will help manage our inevitable decline and do your best to see that we fall as gracefully as possible...and really stick the landing!

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