Episode 220

July 15, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Now that the social network, Google+, has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter, the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace, right after MySpace obliterated Friendster...the Internet must admit that it really doesn’t understand the concept of friendship.

New Rule: If you drugged your husband, tied him to the bed and cut off his penis, you don’t have to then throw the penis in the garbage disposal. I think you made your point at “cut off his penis.” Come on, “Tiger Mom,” you got him. There’s no need to spike the balls.

New Rule: [slide of three shots of Rupert Murdoch using hand gestures] Someone has to tell Rupert Murdoch when he makes these gestures, he’s not actually shooting evil rays from his hands. Oh, don’t worry, you’re a very bad man and you’re going to pay for what you’ve done, but you’re not actually the emperor from “Star Wars.” [slide of Emperor from “Star Wars”]

New Rule: [slide of three shots of Mitch McConnell’s face] Mitch McConnell must either tell us his secret or explain why his face is always like this. I don’t get it, Mitch. Have you always just eaten a lemon? Or are you slowly devouring your own chin?

New Rule: Just because he has saved the world and graduated from school, stop pretending that this is the last Harry Potter story. I think we all know what’s coming: [slides of movie posters accompany these titles] “Harry Potter and the Crippling Student Loan.” And then “Harry Potter and the Descent into Alcoholism.” And, of course, “Harry Potter and the Implausible Hairpiece.”

New Rule: I know it can display just about every book, newspaper, magazine, movie or TV show, including this one. But, until the iPad can actually blow me, the iPad can blow me.

Until the iPad can actually blow me, the iPad can blow me.

And finally, New Rule: Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate, psychological explanations for why liberals don’t like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people.

People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care for George Bush and made jokes about him. So, trust me. It’s not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs.

Now, I’m not saying that sexism doesn’t exist and isn’t real. And we – but we can’t throw around the word “sexist” just to stop people like me from pointing out that Michele Bachmann, now running second for the Republican presidential nomination, isn’t a dangerous nincompoop.

And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim, a scold, a know-it-all, a chiseler, a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdos...straight out of “The Hills Have Eyes”...that’s not sexist. I’m saying it because it’s true.

Not because it’s true of a woman.

But, you know what is sexist? Ignoring poor Tim Pawlenty just because he’s not pretty. He was a governor who finished his term. Why doesn’t he get the cover or Newsweek like Sarah got this week. [Newsweek Palin covers accompany this sequence] And this cover she got a few months ago; the short-shorts are a metaphor for an era of economic limits. And this one, about the Second Amendment. And this one, about the separation of church and state. And this one about Halloween masks.

And this one, where Newsweek just said, “F**k it,” and did their first “All Tea Party Swimsuit Issue.”

I just hope no sexists get the wrong idea.

If you want to know where most of this nation’s sexism is really coming from, you don’t have to look any further than the one person who makes the cover of Newsweek more often than Sarah Palin. [slide of multiple covers depicting Jesus]

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism or intolerance if you source it to God’s “big book of bad ideas.”

God...that’s Jesus’ dad. Someone who definitely had issues with women. Michele Bachmann proudly tells the story of how she had no desire to become a tax lawyer, but her husband commanded her to. That’s right. He commanded her to become a tax lawyer. And what are you going to do? It says so right in the Bible. She quotes it. “Wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands.” And I’m the sexist?

That’s weird. But, you know what’s really weird? Michele Bachmann tells her husband, “I’ll do anything you tell me to do.” And his response isn’t, “Let’s have a three-way” or “I want to cover you in Cool Whip.” It’s, “I want you to be a tax lawyer.”

That is some sick, twisted s**t!

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