New Rule: Someone must explain to me what is the hold-up with the Casey Anthony sex tape?!
New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics, and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners, just beating the old record set by George Michael. And at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably-needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing porta-potties.
New Rule: If you're a motorcyclist riding helmet-less in a rally to protest your state's helmet law, and you crash and die of head injuries that could have been prevented by wearing a helmet...oh, well.You want to have the argument over whether motorcycle helmets are necessary? [slide of Gary Busey] There! I win!
New Rule: [slide of Kim Kardashian tweet about Anthony verdict] If your dad was on O.J.'s legal "dream team," you can't tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And, remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.
New Rule: The Mexican woman who got busted trying to smuggle her common-law husband out of prison in a suitcase must blame the whole idea on drunkenness. I mean, look at this guy; he's half in the bag!