Episode 219

July 8, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Someone must explain to me what is the hold-up with the Casey Anthony sex tape?!

New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics, and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners, just beating the old record set by George Michael. And at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably-needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing porta-potties.

New Rule: If you're a motorcyclist riding helmet-less in a rally to protest your state's helmet law, and you crash and die of head injuries that could have been prevented by wearing a helmet...oh, well.You want to have the argument over whether motorcycle helmets are necessary? [slide of Gary Busey] There! I win!

New Rule: [slide of Kim Kardashian tweet about Anthony verdict] If your dad was on O.J.'s legal "dream team," you can't tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And, remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.

New Rule: The Mexican woman who got busted trying to smuggle her common-law husband out of prison in a suitcase must blame the whole idea on drunkenness. I mean, look at this guy; he's half in the bag!

Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably-needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing porta-potties.

And, finally, New Rule: If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumb ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stop paying taxes, you're a Republican.

And...and before you accuse me of equating the Casey Anthony verdict with Republican thinking, save your breath. I am. I'm equating them. I'm saying, if you're a working-class American who still votes Republican, then you don't get to bitch about that verdict.

In his press conference last week, President Obama said, maybe, just maybe, the problem with the budget is that the billionaires were - quote - "enjoying the lowest tax rate since before I was born." Yeah, like we believe Obama was "born."

Now, here's Obama's thinking, and it's a little counter-intuitive, but try to follow it. When Clinton was president, the rich paid a little more taxes and the government had money. Then Bush cut all those taxes, and now we don't. I know it's hard to grasp. It involves subtracting. But, in suggesting that, in these desperate times, we slightly raise the tax on private jets, Obama was baiting the Republicans to look like extremists, by defending private jets. But, the gambit failed, because half the people are not outraged.

Half of them say, "I'm with the party that cuts all these programs for real people, for the 99%, Planned Parenthood, environmental protection, college, healthcare, infrastructure, but holds the line on private jets." Voting for them is as stupid as voting "not guilty" for the mom who lost her baby for a month and went looking at a wet-tee-shirt contest.

Every election, roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now, I understand why the Republicans get one percent of the vote, the richest one percent. That other 49%, someone will have to explain to me. The facts about what the Republicans have done to the middle class are beyond reasonable doubt. And yet, their base refuses to see it. The moneyed elite in America are dragging a bag filled with your future down the steps, and your reaction is, "Hold on there, that looks heavy. Let me give you a hand getting it into your trunk."

Is it really that radical to suggest slightly trimming the tax break on corporate jets? It seems like a reasonable idea, given that, a) people who buy corporate jets are filthy rich; and, b)...I don't need a "b"! This is a country "of the rich, by the rich, for the rich," where every day it sees our laws and culture cater more to wealthy people: tax breaks, industry-written laws, bailouts, deregulation. All of it goes to making the lives of the rich just a little bit cushier.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "rich"? I meant "job creators." Yes, that's actually a prevailing theory on the right; that Obama's rhetoric towards Wall Street has been so hostile, it has created an uncertainty in the business community. Because he called them "fat cats" once, and they're still suffering from some sort of "jobs creating" disorder. Like he burst into the bathroom while they were trying to pee, and now they can't go at all!

When did the business community in America become so sensitive that we have to treat them like some sort of rare, exotic animal? "Don't startle them or they'll fly away.We need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs." Which never hatch, by the way.

Bush said his tax cuts for the rich would create jobs. They didn't. We're now being told if multi-national corporations bring home their current overseas profits of $1.4 trillion, they'll only be taxed five percent on it. Because we're told it will create jobs.

It won't. Just like it didn't the last time we tried it in 2004. Companies took the savings and paid it out to themselves in dividends.

Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who is killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder.

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