New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditzy beauty queen, I'd join the "tea party."
New Rule: [slide of Calista Gingrich] Newt Gingrich's wife, Calista, seen here in wax replica at Madame Tussaud's, must stop behaving like being married to Newt qualifies her to run a presidential campaign. Remember, you were the mistress first; putting a ring on your finger doesn't give you special powers. You're thinking of the Green Lantern.
New Rule: [slide of Nelson Mandela with Michelle Obama] Nelson Mandela has to buy a new shirt. Maybe you haven't heard, but apartheid is over and you can shop at J. Crew now. This look doesn't say "I led South Africa to freedom," it says, "Welcome to Bahama Mama's. Can I start you off with some drinks?"
New Rule: Saudi Arabia has to let women drive. Women drive just as well as men do, and having them behind the wheel is not an offense against God. You're thinking of Asians. [laughter and groans] Oh, our politically-correct audience is so offended tonight.
New Rule: Now that the FDA is putting out these graphic, terrifying warning labels for cigarettes, they must adorn every box of Twinkies with a picture of Governor Chris Christie. He's wide, boy.