Episode 218

June 24, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditzy beauty queen, I'd join the "tea party."

New Rule: [slide of Calista Gingrich] Newt Gingrich's wife, Calista, seen here in wax replica at Madame Tussaud's, must stop behaving like being married to Newt qualifies her to run a presidential campaign. Remember, you were the mistress first; putting a ring on your finger doesn't give you special powers. You're thinking of the Green Lantern.

New Rule: [slide of Nelson Mandela with Michelle Obama] Nelson Mandela has to buy a new shirt. Maybe you haven't heard, but apartheid is over and you can shop at J. Crew now. This look doesn't say "I led South Africa to freedom," it says, "Welcome to Bahama Mama's. Can I start you off with some drinks?"

New Rule: Saudi Arabia has to let women drive. Women drive just as well as men do, and having them behind the wheel is not an offense against God. You're thinking of Asians. [laughter and groans] Oh, our politically-correct audience is so offended tonight.

New Rule: Now that the FDA is putting out these graphic, terrifying warning labels for cigarettes, they must adorn every box of Twinkies with a picture of Governor Chris Christie. He's wide, boy.

Putting a ring on your finger doesn’t give you special powers. You’re thinking of the Green Lantern.

And, finally, New Rule: Bristol Palin has to admit that the reason she f***ed Levi over and over until a baby fell out is because she liked it!

In Bristol's new memoir, Not Afraid of Life - working title, Whoops, There's a Dick in Me - Bristol claims that the night she lost her virginity, she had accidentally gotten drunk on wine coolers that she didn't know contained alcohol, and then blacked out and didn't remember a thing.

Oh, the Palins. I tell you, the shit doesn't fall far from the bat. Bristol, just admit it: you were horny. And while we're at it, stop claiming that you were on birth control pills that "didn't work" when you got pregnant. Here's a tip, hon: they're not birth control pills if they're shaped like Fred Flintstone.

Now, for all the mistakes Bristol made in getting pregnant - the underage drinking, the unprotected sex, the forgetting to take pictures to sell to Us Weekly-the one thing Republicans all agree she did right was having the baby. Republicans love babies more than anything else! They're like tax cuts that you can breast feed.

Why, at last week's Republican Debate, moderator John King opened the proceedings by asking the candidates to say something about themselves, anything. And, immediately and unprompted, it devolved into a pipe-laying contest of "Who's made more babies than an Al Green CD on repeat?"

Michele Bachmann opened the betting with five. Mitt Romney matched her five. And Rick Santorum bested them both with seven. Sadly, Newt Gingrich could only muster up two children. "Loser." So, he announced plans to cheat on his current wife with the Octomom.

But, when did the size of your brood become so important to presidential qualifications? And, if it is, let's get John Edwards and Schwarzenegger back up there. They've got kids you don't even know about!

But, you see, for conservatives, a big family is a symbol. It sends the very important message that the candidate isn't gay. Or at least not totally gay. It also proves the candidate is against abortion and takes the "be fruitful and multiply" stuff in the Bible seriously. And, most important, is against having sex just for fun.

Now, look at this photo of Jon Huntsman and his clan. It's like the Land's End catalogue is running for president. The last time I saw a family this big, Julie Andrews was hiding it from the Nazis.

Hey, Republicans, when your gay friends refer to you as "breeders," they're doing it as a joke. They're not actually encouraging more breeding.

I'm just kidding. Republicans don't have gay friends.

Okay, one more thing: Governor Huntsman here is supposed to be the moderate conservative, the one who claims to care about the environment. Well, then why didn't he stop after two kids? We live on a sick and tired planet. The human race is now consuming every year what it takes 1.3 years to restore. How is having a large family a badge of honor?

If we want to prevent living in a nightmare world with people fighting over water and food and God-knows-what-else, we have to discourage indiscriminate spawning. Starting with calling out these nauseating freaks. [slide of Dugger family] The Duggers! Who have 19 children. So they're adorable. And their television show is called "19 Kids and Counting." If they had 19 cats and counting, their show would be called "Hoarders."

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