Episode 217

June 17, 2011



"I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist." -Bill Maher

"I've said many times, American people, they don't care what side you take on an issue as long as you're not a pussy." -Bill Maher

"The Vancouver team lost to the Boston Bruins, and then they had a riot. See, that's the difference between Canada and America. They riot when they lose. We riot when we win." -Bill Maher

"Is there any more frightening phrase in the English language than ‘Japanese scientists have discovered...'? Nothing good ever follows that." -Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, Obama is playing golf with John Boehner...This is going to be a first for Biden and Boehner: golf without the black jokes." -Bill Maher

On the Future:

"We'll be able to have very intelligent, little robots with computers going inside our bloodstream, keeping us healthy from inside, destroying cancer at the level of one cell." -Ray Kurzweil

"[In] 2029, I think, computers will match and exceed human intelligence in the ways we're now superior, like being funny, where we still have an edge." -Ray Kurzweil

"Emotional intelligence is what humans are good at. And that's not a sideshow. That's the cutting edge of human intelligence." -Ray Kurzweil

"In movies and TV shows, whenever the computers get that smart, they fuck us over." -Bill Maher

"We're democratizing the tools of creativity." -Ray Kurzweil

"There are downsides to every technology. Fire kept us warm, but also burned down our villages." -Ray Kurzweil

"You're going to piss [religious] people off. I mean, you're selling crack on their corner when you talk about infallibility and living forever." -Bill Maher, to Ray Kurzweil

"People talk philosophically, ‘Oh, I don't want to live past 100.' You know, I'd like to hear them say that when they're 99." -Ray Kurzweil

On Michelle Bachmann:

"She's my hero. She's going all the way. She's going to win this thing...I predict she beats Romney." -Chris Matthews

"She's not a mean girl. She's a crazy girl with mean ideas." -Bill Maher

"Can I tell a joke? She has more foster kids than Newt has wives." -Chris Matthews


"It worked out really well recently in Joplin, when we had tornadoes. Even those people down south who hate the fuckin' government gave [FEMA] high marks, because it wasn't run by some former roommate of George Bush." -Bill Maher

"Let's get real. FEMA ran well under Democrats, and it didn't run well under Republicans. That is a fact." -Bill Maher

These people say they don't like the federal government...The minute you have any extra rainfall or anything goes wrong, it's FEMA, we've got to go to the federal government for help." -Chris Matthews

"The most important factor often in these natural disasters is how well the governor of the state handles it." -Ross Douthat

"When you appoint people who believe in government and who are actually good at their jobs, it works better than appointing cronies." -Bill Maher

On Spending:

"This is politics. There's a lot of hypocrisy. When Republicans are in power, Democrats are very concerned about the deficit." -Ross Douthat

"We have Bush economic policy now. And now Obama is being blamed. How can you get it both ways?" -Chris Matthews

"To me, the shame would be if the Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies." -Bill Maher

On Tracy Morgan:

"Tracy Morgan got into big trouble because he said, ‘If my kid came in and told me he was gay, I would stab him.'" -Bill Maher

"That's tough love right there. You don't want him coming home with a bad report card; he'll rip his legs off." -Kevin Nealon

"Obviously, he owes an apology, I think, to a lot of the gay organizations. I think his character on ‘30 Rock' should apologize to the characters on ‘Glee' and to ‘Modern Family' and to ‘The L Word.' And then I think we call it even right there." -Kevin Nealon

"To me, the bigger issue could perhaps be said that, you know, he was talking about child abuse like so many black comedians do and white comedians can't." -Bill Maher

On “Canned Hunting”:

"When Dick Cheney was in office he used to go hunting. And I said that once he shot, like, 70 pheasants in one day. Because they have these pens where they just drop them - they're basically throwing the animals in front of your gun. To me, this is so much more psychotic than anything Anthony Weiner ever did." -Bill Maher

"No one can kill 70 f**kin' pheasants in one day unless they're stoned and right in front of you." -Bill Maher

"I think a lot of these big Republican, you know, politicians like to show us that they're hunters so that they can protect our country during a war. But, you know, I don't think we've ever been at war with pheasants before." -Kevin Nealon

"I guess there's a difference between [canned hunting] and smashing Easter chicks in a box, but I don't know what it is." -Bill Maher

On Weiner:

"What was Weiner's problem before there was Twitter? In other words, did he have this condition before, until the technology caught up with him?" -Chris Matthews

"It's not a condition to be horny." -Bill Maher

"I think all men are built the same. I have a wandering eye, and I admit it. But, luckily, my other eye is a lazy eye." -Kevin Nealon

"I always thought that when somebody sent you a picture of a private part, there was usually a ransom involved." -Kevin Nealon

On Fitness:

"I do not need a congressman to have his s**t tight...why is there even a free congressional gym for these guys?" -Bill Maher

"What kind of equipment do they have there? I mean, what is the most popular machine? Is it the mirror?" -Kevin Nealon

"There's a difference between, you know, tweeting pictures of your penis and [Gov. Chris Christie] just not being able to control his weight. I mean, he never tweeted his penis. He tried to, but got his belly." -Kevin Nealon

On “Freedom”:

"People think that freedom and entitlement are the same thing." -Bill Maher

"These ‘teabaggers' that are texting in the movie are the very same people that are not defending Weiner for having his freedom to sext private parts." -Kevin Nealon

"We've always been talking about our freedoms and our right to do something. I mean, this is not new." -Gretchen Hamel

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