New Rule: Somebody has to ask John Edwards why he is smiling in his recent mug shot. [slide of Edwards' mug shot] After the three years he's just had, his mug shot shouldn't look like this. It should look like this. [slide of Nick Nolte mug shot]
New Rule: Nancy Grace has to prove she was somewhere else the day of the murder. Any murder. I'm not saying she did it; I'm just saying, who's always around and clearly capable of cold-blooded murder without remorse? I think most Americans are relieved to see Nancy Grace on TV because it means she's not hiding in the back seat of our car with piano wire and those cold, black eyes.
New Rule: Stop saying America doesn't make anything anymore. Introducing "Shivers," ice cubes that have lemon or lime flavoring already in them. Suck on that, Germany. We have revolutionized the ice industry. Now, go do what you still have to do that we don't have to do anymore: go cut up your lemon into little wedges and squeeze it into your drinks, you f**king losers!
New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann just because they're both Republican women...and crazy. And know-nothings...And Jesus freaks. Who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time, and both give off a sound that only animals can hear, and make microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them.
New Rule: Stop making those fumigation tents look so damn fun. This look doesn't say "beware, deadly pesticides in use"; it says "step inside and pet the monkey."