New Rule: Now that unemployment is back up over nine percent, local parks must install "bunk benches." [slide of two homeless people sleeping on "bunk benches"]
New Rule: FIFA, soccer's international governing body, cannot ban the Iranian women's national team just because they've been ordered to wear their Muslim headdress. On the contrary, they should ban them because they look like the sperm in that Woody Allen movie. [slide from Allen's film,"Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex..."]
New Rule: Newt Gingrich...just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn't just off to a rough start. It's like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your unpopularity in context for you: you're a Republican and you're polling behind a black guy. [slide of Herman Cain]
New Rule: Somebody must explain to me how "The Voice" isn't exactly the same show as "American Idol." Pretty soon, all of television is going to be one long show called, "CSI: Vampire Idol." [slide of show poster] Where forensic experts solve murders committed by sexy vampires singing show tunes in front of Steven Tyler.
New Rule: The media must stop pretending anybody cares if cyclists take drugs. Lance Armstrong could have been sucking Charlie Sheen's tiger blood and riding a motorcycle, I still wouldn't give a s**t about the Tour de France.
New Rule: Stop complaining about Facebook changing your privacy settings. You really want privacy? Go back to MySpace.