Episode 215

June 3, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Todd and Sarah Palin] The recession isn't over until one of these people gets a job. When whole families of jobless hillbillies are drifting around the country asking for handouts and living in a bus, brother, that's a depression.

New Rule: [slide of Obama drinking a beer] Next time, instead of taking a sip, chug it! Chug the whole thing! You want to connect to white voters in Middle America, Mr. President? Knock that whole thing back, turn to that guy next to you; ask him what the f**k he's looking at--punch him in the face; call him a fag; then order a shot and do a karaoke version of "Don't Stop Believing" while riding the mechanical bull! That's how you connect.

New Rule: If you somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than no...you tweeted your penis. Congressman Weiner, you're one of the only Democrats in Congress with balls. We knew that. You didn't have to email proof.

New Rule: The publisher of the timely, new bestseller, Where's the Birth Certificate? must change its title to I'm With Stupid. And the people who buy this book? Hey, if the president releases his birth certificate and you still buy a book called Where's the Birth Certificate?, it's time for your children to call the hospice and have the nurse cut up your credit cards.

New Rule: [slide of Obamas with Queen Elizabeth, Michelle standing in front of black plant] When posing for pictures with the Queen, don't stand in front of the plant that makes it look like you have the giant "Foxy Brown" Afro.

And, the president should definitely not stand in front of a shrub. [slide of President with shrub behind his head makes his hairstyle look like Kid from Kid ‘n Play]

When whole families of jobless hillbillies are drifting around the country asking for handouts and living in a bus, brother, that's a depression.

And finally, New Rule: Contrary to what Republican candidates always sell, business experience does not make someone a good president. Honestly, do you people really want to get in this argument with me? George Bush had business experience. There, I win.

Now, shut up before I mention Donald Trump! The business genius who's filed for bankruptcy more times than MC Hammer. By the way, you know what makes a really great businessman? When your father has $400 million and dies. Or, as Trump calls it, "the art of the deal."

Now, yesterday, Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. And last week, at a rally in Iowa, almost 200 people showed up. Leading folks to ask, what is the secret to Romney's almost-Lady Gaga-like appeal? That 200 Iowans would brave a partly-sunny day with temperatures in the low 70s just to get a glimpse of the man. Is it because he looks like a model in the 1983 Montgomery Ward catalogue? Yes, that's part of it.

But, his big claim to fame is that he's a businessman. And, in America, saying you're a businessman automatically makes you better than anyone who's not a businessman. Obama never ran a business. He was a community organizer, helping poor people. Where's the money in that, stupid loser?

Romney, on the other hand, is all business. You get the impression that he delays orgasm by calculating interest rates. In his speech, Romney said, "Unlike President Obama, I know how jobs are created and how jobs are lost." Yeah, especially the "lost" part. Because here's what Romney's former company, Bain Capital, does. It buys companies and revamps them by "cost-cutting," otherwise known as "firing people," and then sells them for a profit. Which is great if you're getting the profit; not so much if you're getting fired so Mitt can live here. [slide of Romney vacation chalet] No, that's not a hotel. That's Romney's old vacation home. Though, to be fair, it's a little cramped for a Mormon family who breed like Irish Catholics on Ecstasy.

Mitt Romney's other business success story besides Bain Capital is Staples. Yes, that Staples. The store that sells you ink cartridges. The store you put off going to for as long as you can. The store with zero décor and a flickering fluorescent light that makes you think, has my life really come to this?

You see, businessmen generally make lousy political leaders because government isn't about turning a profit. It's about taking care of the things that shouldn't have to turn a profit. You can't make everything better with business. Business can't turn coal into diamonds or crap into food. That's soy sauce.

So, Mitt, instead of pointing out your business experience, try using the fact that you were the governor of Massachusetts, the most educated state in the country, and your main accomplishment was universal healthcare. Then, again, you're trying to appeal to the Republican base, so you'll have to do that in a way that avoids mentioning Massachusetts, universal healthcare or smart people.

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