New Rule: [slide of Todd and Sarah Palin] The recession isn't over until one of these people gets a job. When whole families of jobless hillbillies are drifting around the country asking for handouts and living in a bus, brother, that's a depression.
New Rule: [slide of Obama drinking a beer] Next time, instead of taking a sip, chug it! Chug the whole thing! You want to connect to white voters in Middle America, Mr. President? Knock that whole thing back, turn to that guy next to you; ask him what the f**k he's looking at--punch him in the face; call him a fag; then order a shot and do a karaoke version of "Don't Stop Believing" while riding the mechanical bull! That's how you connect.
New Rule: If you somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than no...you tweeted your penis. Congressman Weiner, you're one of the only Democrats in Congress with balls. We knew that. You didn't have to email proof.
New Rule: The publisher of the timely, new bestseller, Where's the Birth Certificate? must change its title to I'm With Stupid. And the people who buy this book? Hey, if the president releases his birth certificate and you still buy a book called Where's the Birth Certificate?, it's time for your children to call the hospice and have the nurse cut up your credit cards.
New Rule: [slide of Obamas with Queen Elizabeth, Michelle standing in front of black plant] When posing for pictures with the Queen, don't stand in front of the plant that makes it look like you have the giant "Foxy Brown" Afro.
And, the president should definitely not stand in front of a shrub. [slide of President with shrub behind his head makes his hairstyle look like Kid from Kid ‘n Play]