New Rule: Sci-fi nerds must finally accept that if it really was possible for a heartless robot to go back in time and prevent someone from being born, Arnold totally would have done it this week.
New Rule: [slide of Dominique Strauss-Kahn] You can't claim not to be a flight risk when you're apprehended literally on a flight.
New Rule: [slide of Mel Gibson wearing a "wife beater" t-shirt] Oh, speaking of Mel Gibson, if you're known for beating the mother of your child, you probably should not wear a "wife beater."
New Rule: [slide of topless protestors] Protesting topless is not an effective way to call attention to your issue...unless your issue is tits.
New Rule: [slide of new Muppets poster] Don't give the Muppets legs. [laughter] They don't look cute and new and 2011. They look creepy and Fleetwood Mac 1978. [slide of Fleetwood Mac 1978]
And finally, New Rule: Someone has to come to the aid of the Republican Party. I have seen more appealing lineups on an episode of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit."
Now, the reason it's so hard for Republicans to run these days is the same reason the ratings for Donald Trump's show are up this year: the crazier the contestants, the more the voters like it. They keep flirting with flavors of the month where each mortifying, rabid has-been shines for a minute and then flames out in a toxic cloud like an eco-friendly lightbulb. All in a vain attempt to somehow find a candidate meaner than Trump and dumber than Palin.
A candidate who will meet these criteria: a) Never compromise on anything or every work with the Democrats; b) Always treat Obama like he's some mysterious black guy who turned up uninvited at your country club-"President Bagger Vance"; and c) Never admit that government is useful for anything.
The government is always like Snooki's vagina. It's too big, it services too many people... and nothing good will ever come out of it. Now, in light of these criteria, here are the only people who I see as being acceptable candidates for the Republican base:
Charlie Sheen. He's got the Trump swagger and the Bachmann I.Q. Like most Republican candidates, he's had multiple marriages. And, like Dick Cheney, he once shot someone by accident. Negatives include: he might try to snort the campaign trail.
Ted Nugent. Known as the "Motor City Madman," which is a huge plus, because he's got "Madman" right in his name. In addition, terrorists will have a hard time targeting a president who dresses entirely in camouflage. And when he's president, no more of that "pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey" bulls**t.
Andrew Dice Clay. For decades, he's been called a misogynist, racist, and homophobic. Or what Republican primary voters call "a good start." He was inexplicably popular at the same time Ronald Reagan was inexplicably popular, and speaks in a vernacular that the Republican base understands: nursery rhymes.
"Thor." He's blond and white and solves all his problems with a hammer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis. It has drive, it's hungry, it's very today...and it gets what it wants. And I'm pretty sure we've seen the last time it ever cozies up to a Kennedy.
And finally - and my personal favorite choice - "Face-Ripper Monkey"! You remember the chimp that got mad and ripped off someone's face? Well, Face-Ripper Monkey has everything that appeals to the Tea Party. His very existence disproves evolution. And he's not a "Washington insider." In fact, he's not an insider at all. Face-Ripper Monkey doesn't wait around for government to solve his problems. He acts! He doesn't do nuance. He goes with his gut. And for your face. Face-Ripper Monkey is aggressive, independent and he's not afraid to prove his toughness with direct, common-sense solutions...like ripping off people's faces.
And the best thing about Face-Ripper Monkey? He will accept not being at the top of the ticket. [slide of campaign poster: "Pawlenty/Face-Ripper Monkey 2012"]
You can't claim not to be a flight risk when you're apprehended literally on a flight.
May 20, 2011