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Quotes

Maherisms:

"I've always said that I don't believe in religion or God, but I do believe in love." -Bill Maher

On Bin Laden:

"Bin Laden...had a pot garden. And porn. I'm beginning to think this guy is some sort of hypocritical prick." -Bill Maher

"We got Bin Laden's porn stash... in fact, when the Navy SEALs burst in, Bin Laden said, Jesus, doesn't anybody knock?!'" -Bill Maher

"If you're five years basically in one room, Death to America' only goes so far." -Richard Clarke

"If you think we believe in conspiracy theories in this country, in the Middle East, it's bread and butter. -Richard Clarke

On Afghanistan & Pakistan:

"The president is going to announce next month that we're taking 5,000 troops out of Afghanistan over the course of the next few months, so that he can say we're on the road out. But, we're not on the road out." -Richard Clarke

"The Afghans are such pathetically organized allies. The only worse ally you could have is Pakistan." -Richard Clarke

"I was trying to kill [bin Laden] for five years before 9/11." -Richard Clarke

"There's no incentive. I mean, if we're giving [Pakistan] money to find Bin Laden, of course, the last thing in the world they want to do is find Bin Laden." -Bill Maher

"The [Pakistanis] are paranoid, and they're such pathological liars they don't even know when they're lying anymore." -Richard Clarke

On Newt Gingrich:

"Newt Gingrich...is an idiot who has always been wrong about every single thing he's ever talked about." -Bill Maher

"Gingrich...represents a small and despised minority of sci-fi nerds -- which is one reason I like him -- and he also is a guy who really did see very far ahead." -Reihan Salam

"Had it not been for Monica Lewinsky, I think that Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were on their way to making really dramatic overhauls to the welfare state, and we would have forestalled a lot of the problems we have right now." -Reihan Salam

"What I find really scary about Newt Gingrich is his certitude, which is always the hallmark of un-bright people who don't really have an open mind." -Bill Maher

"Newt announced [his candidacy] purposely on Twitter and YouTube, because he is desperate to not appear to be a relic from the 90s. Which is why he scrapped the original plan to announce on Walkman." -Bill Maher

On Race:

"I think, quite frankly, there is a large segment of the American population that still has a hard time believing that we've got a black man literally running the most powerful, important nation in the world." -Michelle Bernard

On Republican Presidential Candidates:

"It is not a very attractive group of candidates by any stretch of the imagination. Nobody there to make the heart go pitter-pat." -Michelle Bernard

"They need to find one person who the Tea Party will get behind...but, on the other side, everyone doesn't say this guy's a wack job.'" -Andrew Ross Sorkin

"I understand why Republicans get one percent of the vote, because that's who they represent, the richest one percent. Explain to me the other 40 or 50% they get." -Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency.' And that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." -Bill Maher

"I think there's not one woman in the country who will tell you that they're not disgusted by the actions of bad men that are Republicans and Democrats." -Michelle Bernard

On Energy Subsidies & American Exceptionalism:

"I think the real issue is we spend $20 billion in subsidies for the energy sector as a whole. I say get rid of every cent of it, not just for the oil companies, but also for hydro, also for renewables. Get rid of it all; create a level playing field." -Reihan Salam

"Wind and solar wouldn't exist if we had a level playing field." -Andrew Ross Sorkin

"We are 17th in developing and marketing green energy in the world. The rest of the world is passing us by." -Bill Maher

"The list of things in which America is not number one is startlingly long." -Harry Shearer

"When we talk about American greatness and high-speed rail, I literally sit back and I think, are we going to produce engineers smart enough to make sure that the high-speed rail won't fall down on us if they build it." -Michelle Bernard

"If we want to allocate money towards education, we have to take it away from other things...there's another side to the ledger, and I think we're not willing, necessarily, to go that far." -Andrew Ross Sorkin

"Solutions come from little people. They come from the grass roots. They come in a decentralized fashion....Citizens have to be vigilant, because you can't just naturally trust that government is going to do its job." -Reihan Salam

On Disasters:

"What happened in Mississippi was a natural disaster. What happened in New Orleans was a man-made disaster. We, the United States taxpayers, paid over half a billion dollars to almost destroy an American city." -Harry Shearer

"You never know...and you especially never know when the Army Corps of Engineers is involved." -Harry Shearer

"That's the one thing Obama deserves high marks for, is appointing Craig Fugate to run FEMA." -Harry Shearer

Episode 213

May 13, 2011