New Rule: [slide of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver] Divorce is sad. But, if whatever you're doing to your wife is making her look like Kirk Douglas...you have to let her go. Stop acting surprised that these two crazy kids couldn't make it work. Although, when you look at this picture--[another slide, Arnold and Maria looking morbidly grim]--they do seem happy. I've seen more warmth at a burial at sea. How did they discuss the break-up? "Honey, I think we should glare at other people."
New Rule: You can't French kiss over the Internet. A Japanese company has developed a gadget that lets you deep kiss someone via computer. See, you stick this thing in your mouth, and the person you're chatting with sticks the same gizmo in their mouth...and then, when you get good and horny, you stick your dick in this gizmo. [slide of vacuum cleaner]
New Rule: [slide of Newt Gingrich and his wife, who sports a strange, wide-eyed expression] The next task force on drugs has to figure out what makes Republican women make this face. I don't know if Newt should run for president or just, you know, run.
New Rule: You can't rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out, 9/11 wasn't Bin Laden's only master stroke. Among the titles found in his compound were-[accompanied by slides of faux DVD covers]-"Deep Goat," "Radical Jizzlam," "Barely Visible," "72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy," and, of course, "Yentl."