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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver] Divorce is sad. But, if whatever you're doing to your wife is making her look like Kirk Douglas...you have to let her go. Stop acting surprised that these two crazy kids couldn't make it work. Although, when you look at this picture--[another slide, Arnold and Maria looking morbidly grim]--they do seem happy. I've seen more warmth at a burial at sea.  How did they discuss the break-up? "Honey, I think we should glare at other people."

New Rule: You can't French kiss over the Internet. A Japanese company has developed a gadget that lets you deep kiss someone via computer. See, you stick this thing in your mouth, and the person you're chatting with sticks the same gizmo in their mouth...and then, when you get good and horny, you stick your dick in this gizmo. [slide of vacuum cleaner]

New Rule: [slide of Newt Gingrich and his wife, who sports a strange, wide-eyed expression] The next task force on drugs has to figure out what makes Republican women make this face. I don't know if Newt should run for president or just, you know, run.

New Rule: You can't rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out, 9/11 wasn't Bin Laden's only master stroke. Among the titles found in his compound were-[accompanied by slides of faux DVD covers]-"Deep Goat," "Radical Jizzlam," "Barely Visible," "72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy," and, of course, "Yentl."

And finally, New Rule: If you're a Christian who supports killing your enemies and torture, you have to come up with a new name for yourself.

Now, last week - last week, as I was explaining why I didn't feel at all guilty about Osama's targeted assassination, I made some jokes about Christian hypocrisy. And since then, strangers have been coming up to me and forcing me to have the same conversation. So, let me explain two things.

One, I'm not Matthew McConaughey. He surfs a long board.

And, two, "capping thine enemy" is not exactly what Jesus would do. It's what Suge Knight would do.

Now, for almost 2,000 years, Christians have been lawyering the Bible to try and figure out how "love thy neighbor" can mean "hate thy neighbor," and how "turn the other cheek" can mean, "screw you, I'm buying space lasers."

Martin Luther King gets to call himself a Christian because he actually practiced loving his enemies. And Gandhi was so f**king Christian, he was Hindu. But, if you rejoice in revenge, torture and war--hey, that's why they call it the weekend--you cannot say you're a follower of the guy who explicitly said, "Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you." The next line isn't, "And if that doesn't work, send a titanium-fanged dog to rip his nuts off."

Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick. He has lines like, "Do not repay evil with evil," and "Do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you." Really. It's in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people.  And, not to put too fine a point on it, but, non-violence was kind of Jesus' trademark. Kind of his big thing. To not follow that part of it is like joining Greenpeace and hating whales.

I mean, you know, there's "interpreting," and then there's just ignoring. It's just ignoring if you're for torture. As are more evangelical Christians than any other religion. You're supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, "How could a man suffer like that and forgive?" not "Romans are p**sies; he still has his eyes."

If you go to a baptism and hold the baby under until he starts talking, we're missing the message.

Like, apparently, our president, who says he gets Scripture on his Blackberry first thing every morning, but, who said on "60 Minutes" that anyone who would question that Bin Laden deserved assassination should--quote--"have their head examined."

Hey, Fox News, you missed a big headline: "Obama thinks Jesus is nuts!" To which I say, Hallelujah, because my favorite new government program is surprising violent, religious zealots in the middle of the night and shooting them in the face. Sorry, Head Start, you're number two now.

But, you see, I can say that because I'm a non-Christian. Just like most Christians. And, Christians, I know, I'm sorry; I know you hate this and you want to square this circle, but you can't. I'm not even judging you. I'm just saying, logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do, you're not a Christian. You're just auditing. 

You're not Christ's followers. You're just fans.

And if you believe the earth was given to you to kick a** on while gloating, you're not really a Christian; you're a Texan.

Christians, I know, I'm sorry; I know you hate this and you want to square this circle, but you can't. I'm not even judging you. I'm just saying, logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do, you're not a Christian. You're just auditing.

Episode 213

May 13, 2011