New Rule: [slide of Bin Laden compound] Stop calling this place a mansion. It looks like a five-unit apartment complex in Van Nuys. A mansion is where the Beverly Hillbillies live. This is more like the house they show on the local news when some Mexican's pit bull has eaten a baby.
New Rule: Stop saying "we" got Osama. We didn't do anything. We were watching "Celebrity Apprentice" and eating Funions in our sweatpants. SEAL Team Six did the killing with money we borrowed from Beijing, that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So, it was a joint Navy SEALs/People's Bank of China/grandchildren operation.
New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend that we can't take it. We handled pictures of Britney Spears' vagina getting out of a car. Come on, television has desensitized us to violence. And porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.
New Rule: The Pentagon must apologize to Native Americans for giving such a universally-reviled character as Osama bin Laden the code name "Geronimo." And admit they should have gone with their second choice: "The Donald."
New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place! Come on, nut-jobs! Keep your bulls**t straight! The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers! And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump.