Episode 212

May 6, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Bin Laden compound] Stop calling this place a mansion. It looks like a five-unit apartment complex in Van Nuys. A mansion is where the Beverly Hillbillies live. This is more like the house they show on the local news when some Mexican's pit bull has eaten a baby.

New Rule: Stop saying "we" got Osama. We didn't do anything. We were watching "Celebrity Apprentice" and eating Funions in our sweatpants. SEAL Team Six did the killing with money we borrowed from Beijing, that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So, it was a joint Navy SEALs/People's Bank of China/grandchildren operation.

New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend that we can't take it. We handled pictures of Britney Spears' vagina getting out of a car. Come on, television has desensitized us to violence. And porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.

New Rule: The Pentagon must apologize to Native Americans for giving such a universally-reviled character as Osama bin Laden the code name "Geronimo." And admit they should have gone with their second choice: "The Donald."

New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place! Come on, nut-jobs! Keep your bulls**t straight! The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers! And I know that's true because I just got it in an email from Trump.

Only six months after 9/11, Bush said he didn't spend that much time on Bin Laden, that he was no longer concerned about him. Just as he wasn't before 9/11, when he blew off that mysterious, inscrutable memo entitled: "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S."

And finally, New Rule: Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally-conservative, strong-on-defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at.

Because it's not defense: 9/11 happened on your watch. And you retaliated by invading the wrong country. And you lost a ten-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden. And you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak. You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct. But, it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Kadafi's bedroom and a bullet in Bin Laden's eye, like Moe Green.

Raising the question: how many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his a**?

So, let's look at some facts. Now, for you Fox News viewers, feel free to turn down the sound until the flashing "Facts" light at the bottom of your screen disappears. When Bill Clinton left office in 2001, the Congressional Budget Office predicted that by the end of the decade, we would have paid off the entire debt and have a $2 trillion surplus. Instead, we have a $10.5 trillion public debt. And the difference in those two numbers is mostly because the Republicans put tax cuts for the rich, free drugs for the elderly and two wars on the layaway plan, and then bailed on the check. So, so much for fiscal responsibility.

But, hey, at least they still had the defense thing, right? The public still believed Republicans were tougher when it came to hunting down dark-skinned foreigners with funny-sounding names. But, Bush had seven years to get Osama. He didn't. He got Wesley Snipes.

Only six months after 9/11, Bush said he didn't spend that much time on Bin Laden, that he was no longer concerned about him. Just as he wasn't before 9/11, when he blew off that mysterious, inscrutable memo entitled: "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S."

In under a year, Bush went from "who gives a s**t" to "wanted: dead or alive," and back to "who gives a s**t."

Why focus on the terrorist who reduced Wall Street to rubble when you can help Wall Street reduce the whole country to rubble?

In 2008, the candidates were asked if they knew for sure that Bin Laden was in Pakistan, would you send our guys in without permission to get him? McCain said, no, because Pakistan is a sovereign nation. Obama said, yes, he'd just do it. And McCain called him naïve. Who's being naïve, ‘kay? And why can't you just admit that Barack Obama is one efficient, steely-nerved, multi-tasking, black Ninja gangsta president?

In one week, he produced his birth certificate, comforted disaster victims, swung by Florida, said "Hey" to Gabby Giffords, did stand-up at the Correspondents' Dinner and then personally repelled into Bin Laden's lair and put a Chinese star through his throat without waking up any of his 13 wives.

That's how it went down. I saw it on MSNBC.

Look, 30% of this country will always vote Republican. I'm just asking why. Yes, paranoia, greed and racism are fun, but...it's...it's like when you see someone driving a Mercury. You think, did that person really wake up one day thinking, "You know what car I want to drive?" "A Mercury Mariner."

No. No, you assume he knows someone who sells them. Or he was molested by a Kia dealer as a child.

And I know this all sounds like harsh truth, but Republicans are supposed to be the party of harsh truths, like "there's no such thing as a free lunch." And, speaking of lunch, I think Obama just ate yours.

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