On the Royal Wedding:

"Right about now, the royal couple are enjoying their honeymoon. Or as the tabloids put it, The British are coming, the British are coming!'" -Bill Maher

 "Before this...when they talked about something blue,' it was the groom's balls." -Bill Maher

On President Obama

"Obama has finally, definitively offered documented proof...that Donald Trump is a moron." -Bill Maher

"I think what this president brings is a once-in-a-generation type of leadership. He is carrying burdens on behalf of all of us." -Gov. Deval Patrick

"What I am encouraging particularly Democrats to do, is grow a backbone and stand up for what we believe in and stick with this president." -Gov. Deval Patrick

"I think when the president...leads by values, we win, and we deserve to win." -Gov. Deval Patrick

"They didn't miss a beat. It was Okay, we got the birth certificate; now let's get to how a black guy got into Harvard.'" -Bill Maher

"The issue should be the president's record since he's been president, okay? That's what we should be debating." -Mark McKinnon

On the Panel:

"The only thing I want to see here, is Andrew Breitbart apologize to Shirley Sherrod." -Laura Flanders

"People listen to Glenn Beck. They don't read Andrew Breitbart's website." -Andrew Breitbart

"You're not a journalist or a commentator, you're a con man." -Laura Flanders, to Andrew Breitbart

"I answered [Flanders'] question and she didn't want to hear the truth." -Andrew Breitbart

"It's a wrestling match up here." -Mark McKinnon

"Let's save the real mean stuff for the end of the show." -Bill Maher

On Race (and Hair)

"I know he doesn't think he's a racist, Donald Trump. And he thinks he's got a great relationship with-[air quotes]-the blacks.'" -Bill Maher

"We, as a society, have to deal with the legacy of racism." -Laura Flanders

"What do you think the right wing would do if [President Obama] grew that fro again? I'm just asking. You know, there's nothing in the Constitution that says you can't have a couple of inches of kinky hair." -Bill Maher

On Oil:

"They should eliminate the subsidies on oil companies for sure." -Mark McKinnon

"I think that when [oil companies] come to us for subsidies, that's only the tip of the iceberg of what we've been paying. We've been paying in our environment; we've been paying in troops defending their interests overseas..." -Laura Flanders

"Let's nationalize the suckers." -Laura Flanders

On Medicare:

"People say we're going to end Medicare as we know it; we need to change it as we know it, because if we keep it as we know it, it's going to bankrupt the system." -Mark McKinnon

"This is a common sense solution. And if there's one thing Americans will not put up with, it is common sense." -Bill Maher

On Outrageousness and Censorship

"I'm a pro-John Waters" conservative.' -Andrew Breitbart

"Anybody that's had to survive something, I'm interested in." -John Waters

"Pubic politics have changed. Everybody knows what teabagging' is now... it is an awkward intimacy that we can share, Democrats and Republicans." -John Waters

"I can't think of any other instance where they're putting a word that's not really a bad word on the verboten list." -Bill Maher

"If they're going to, you know, bleep teabagger,' don't you think they should sort of bleep Obamacare'? I mean, do we get to have a list of things we'd like to be bleeped?" -Laura Flanders

On Trump:

"Trump's hair - it's a dilemma for a comedian, because, for one thing, it's one of the funniest things we've ever seen. On the other hand, everybody now is doing hair jokes on Donald Trump." -Bill Maher

"If Donald Trump is going to attack Barack Obama on the birther' issue, then he should return fire and ask, What is that?'" -Andrew Breitbart

"There's a new group called the balders,' and they want - they want these hair follicles to know if this is his real hair." -Mark McKinnon

"We have 26 million people looking for full-time work in this country, and we end up talking about hair?" -Laura Flanders

"I'm 100 percent for Donald Trump as president in the post-apocalyptic phase of America as we're driving around in these weird dune-buggies and looking up and seeing him. But, not yet." -Andrew Breitbart

"I don't put anything past the stupidity of this country." -Bill Maher

On Leadership:

"In presidential elections, people don't really vote on issues; they vote on attributes. And the most important attribute that voters cast their vote for is the perception of strong leadership." -Mark McKinnon

"I think people are getting it, that our swagger around the world has not been doing well." -Laura Flanders

"The administration the other day said that they're going to lead from behind. I don't think that's what the American people want." -Mark McKinnon

"That's not a good bumper sticker." -John Waters

On Afghanistan:

"When you're being shot by both sides, isn't that time to go?" -Bill Maher

"I think it's time to go when we can't bribe them." -John Waters