Episode 211

April 29, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of billboard reading: "Save the Date: Return of Christ, May 21, 2011"] Whoever is putting these billboards up all over America has to put their money where their mouth is. You say Jesus is coming back on May 21st. I've got five grand that says he's not. If you're right, you get the cash. And if I'm right, you have to replace all these billboards with ones that say "Jesus Stood Me Up For the Last Time. I Am So Through With That Guy."

New Rule: [slide of iPhone] If this device tracks my every move down to the second, but it still won't let me talk...it's not a phone, it's a woman. Kidding. I kid everyone.

New Rule: Now that the Royal Wedding is finally over, the next person who uses the word "fairytale" must be led into the woods by a dwarf, turned into a fawn and eaten by a witch.

Our republic was built on two core beliefs: a strong moral revulsion for the idea of royalty, and, okay, a look-the-other-way acceptance of slavery. But, the king-queen thing, we definitely knew that was wrong and did not want our leaders coming from a long line of cousin-fuckers.

Americans get so excited when they meet royalty. But the royal protocol should be offensive to any free humanist. "When you meet the princess, bow slightly at the waist; don't look in her eye; do not offer your hand unless she offers hers first." Gosh, I hope all that blends well with my protocol where the people I meet have to blow me.

Now, Kate and Will seem like nice kids, but I hope at some point they say, "We just feel creepy about other human beings calling us, ‘Your Highness." A title that more appropriately was bestowed upon me last week on 4/20.

"Your highness"? Really? It's just an accident of birth. Or, as Sarah Palin would call it, "birth."

We Americans are who we are today because we fought a war to be rid of the British royal family, because we decided we didn't want some unelected king waging wars on a whim and throwing people in dungeons without a trial. So, it's kind of funny that America wound up with an executive branch that now...wages war on a whim and throws people in dungeons without a trial.

Henry VIII had the Tower of London. We have Guantanamo Bay. The only difference? The Tower of London is closed... I guess I won't wait for it.

Our next president might as well be Henry VIII: a big, fat, egomaniacal blowhard with a string of wives. But, even if we don't elect Newt Gingrich ... the expansion of powers is terrifying.

President Bush overturned decades of law saying that we can't torture people simply by having a lawyer write a memo. Which, ironically, was entitled, "Yes, we can." In fact, after 9/11, Congress passed a resolution that basically said Bush could do anything. One day he was a dry drunk showing Lee Greenwood around the Rose Garden--the next day he was Zeus shooting lightning from his fingertips. It was like making Charlie Sheen an actual warlock.

And Obama...has given almost none of those powers back. He can search you without a warrant, arrest you without charges and hold you indefinitely. And the President of the United States is allowed to order the murder of American citizens without a trial.

I know that's not really frightening, like giving them healthcare. But, you know what would make it a lot more frightening? Three words: "President Donald Trump."

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