Episode 207

March 25, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although, ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."

New Rule: [slide of Obamas standing in front of giant statue of Jesus] The Obama family must explain, if they really are Christians and not Muslims, as they claim, why is Jesus chasing them?

New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it costs $350 million each, and then you have three wars and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?!

And, in a related New Rule: Arabs, when one of our planes goes down in your country, that doesn't mean you all have to rush over it and stand on it. Maybe there's some cultural explanation, like Gaddafi didn't let you have a jungle gym and you're trying to get your childhood back. But, I'm going to let you in on something: you're not striking a blow against the Great Satan; you're getting lead poisoning from General Dynamics.

New Rule: Men will admit, or men should admit, that our years of snickering at the "Got Milk" campaign was only our own dirty, filthy minds at work... if advertisers will admit that now you're really just f**king with us. [slide of magazine cover featuring model's head slathered in white, viscous fluid]

Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although, ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."

And, finally, New Rule: If the Republicans' idea of governing is just being against everything the president is for, then they have to change their name to the "I Know You Are, But What Am I" Party... and nominate for 2012, a man who is the exact opposite of Obama: a fat, white, small-eared idiot who angers quickly, overreacts to everything, and can bowl 300. And who carries only one form of ID, his original birth certificate.

A man so the antithesis of our current president that even his name is Barack Obama spelled backwards. So, say hello to the Republican Party's 2012 presidential candidate, "Karab Amabo."

Now, before I give you the details about Karab Amabo please understand, I'm not making this premise up. This week, the Republican Party did a 180 on Libya so hard, it drove John Boehner's tears back into his face... totally ruining the leather.

But, let me tell you about Karab Amabo. Amabo would be our first home-schooled president. And the first in his family to ever NOT graduate high school. [laughter] After flunking out of bartending school, he spent years DIS-organizing communities. And wrote two books: a memoir, Dreams From My Food Court, and a policy book, Thinking is for Dummies.

And, what are his policies? Karab Amabo believes we should increase our dependency on foreign oil, and shrink the size of government until it only performs the most basic functions: killing Arabs, paying farmers to grow corn, and probing people at the airport. Karab Amabo believes abortion should be illegal, ESPECIALLY in the case of rape or incest. And he is so pro-life, his slogan is, "Life Begins at Erection."

Karab Amabo pledges to repeal the job-killing healthcare bill and to implement "Amabocare," a comprehensive program that gives uninsured people with pre-existing conditions the opportunity to walk it off. Temperamentally, Karab Amabo believes America has had enough of "No Drama Obama" and his measured, Vulcan logic. And at the first sign of crisis, Amabo will pray, scream, shit his pants and fly Air Force One into a mountain.

And what of the Amabo family? Karab Amabo's wife [slide of singer Susan Boyle] is a sour, ashen midget whose flaccid arms are so weak she can barely do her job, operating the deep fryer at Jack in the Box. The Amabos and their two sons go to church every four hours. And they have a meth lab where the White House garden used to be.

And, perhaps the most important thing to understand about Karab Amabo is he's not exotic or worldly or smart. He just loves America so much that when he says the Pledge of Allegiance, he not only puts his right hand over his heart, he salutes with his left hand and makes the sign of the cross with his foot... which, admit it, folks, is pretty hard to do.

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