New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although, ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."
New Rule: [slide of Obamas standing in front of giant statue of Jesus] The Obama family must explain, if they really are Christians and not Muslims, as they claim, why is Jesus chasing them?
New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it costs $350 million each, and then you have three wars and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?!
And, in a related New Rule: Arabs, when one of our planes goes down in your country, that doesn't mean you all have to rush over it and stand on it. Maybe there's some cultural explanation, like Gaddafi didn't let you have a jungle gym and you're trying to get your childhood back. But, I'm going to let you in on something: you're not striking a blow against the Great Satan; you're getting lead poisoning from General Dynamics.
New Rule: Men will admit, or men should admit, that our years of snickering at the "Got Milk" campaign was only our own dirty, filthy minds at work... if advertisers will admit that now you're really just f**king with us. [slide of magazine cover featuring model's head slathered in white, viscous fluid]