Episode 206

March 18, 2011



"Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'" -Bill Maher

"President Obama is related to several Republicans from Kansas and Arizona. This is their worst nightmare. They shook the family tree and a black guy fell out." -Bill Maher

"Everybody who tells the truth on the left has to go away." -Bill Maher, in response to P.J. Crowley's resignation

On Radiation:

"Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job." -Bill Maher

"Americans are desperately, here on the West Coast, buying up and hoarding iodine pills... Isn't it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies?" -Bill Maher

"They're using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they're going to try that here on Charlie Sheen." -Bill Maher

On Israel:

"From the Jewish religious perspective, if you want to be Jewish, you're in. You're in the club." -Ambassador Michael Oren

"Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East. But, it looks like now maybe in a few years, that could not be the case. We could have democracies in Egypt, Iraq, Tunisia." -Bill Maher

"We've been proud to be the only democracy. We would be prouder still to be one of many democracies in the Middle East." -Ambassador Michael Oren

"When you say you're freezing settlements, it's kind of like a Palestinian ceasefire, which is really just another way of saying 'reloading.'" -Bill Maher, to Israeli Ambassador Michael Oren

"We're willing to take the risk for peace." -Ambassador Michael Oren

"These are two Semitic peoples who, if it wasn't for these silly, ancient texts from ancient desert dwellers, have a lot more in common and really wouldn't hate each other." -Bill Maher

"I think that we want to see the situation where the Palestinians have their own state like we have our own state." -Israeli Ambassador Michael Oren

"What about a time-share? It works beautifully in Miami." -Bill Maher

"There's no alternative but to share [our homeland]. And to share it, you've got to talk about it." -Ambassador Michael Oren

On Nuclear Energy:

"I'd like to introduce the concept into America of 'new evidence, therefore new thinking.' And my new thinking is, apparently, nuclear reactors are never really safe from an earthquake." -Bill Maher

"Regardless of whether or not we think nuclear is safe, you're not going to convince me that something made to blow things up won't blow things up." -Erica Williams

"Nuclear energy is the Wizard of Oz. The curtain has been pulled back, and his face is glowing green because he's f**kin' reactive." -Richard Belzer

"As far as I know, as I read the data, coal has killed many, many more people than nuclear." -Dan Neil

"Yes, nuclear is dangerous. But, here's the thing: coal is associated with carbon emissions, and carbon is the fuse that will blow up the planet." -Dan Neil

"There's no zero-risk energy solution...they all have costs." -Erica Williams

On Libya:

"The international community has officially threatened intervention. And that's just over [Gaddafi's] wardrobe." -Bill Maher

"The definition of war is when you bomb s**t." -Richard Belzer

"Republicans don't know what to do with this because, you know, they wanted this to happen, the 'no fly' zone, so that's good. But, now Obama wants it, so it's bad." -Bill Maher

On Marriage:

"One of the problems with marriage right now is we're living too long. You know, we weren't meant to be married to the same people for so long...'Till death do us part' is f**kin' eternity." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"The new statistics tell you that actually a marriage is not good for your health unless you're a man." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"The right wing always is so afraid of gay people getting married. But, if they really don't like gay people, they should let them get married. Because no one suffers as much as married people." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"I can't believe I'm the one defending marriage." -Bill Maher

"The only reason people want to get married are really tax benefits." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"I like my wife more. And we've been together 30 years. So, there are exceptions." -Richard Belzer

"The culture tells you... that getting married solves all your problems. And I say, getting married is the beginning of your problems." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"Marriage was, until really early in the 20th century, purely an economic and financial arrangement. And so we're returning to form in that." -Dan Neil

On The Failures of Environmentalism:

"I think we [environmental activists] also are to blame because when we said things like 'green jobs,' nobody could relate to that. It was too arty-farty." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"We didn't scare people. That's what Democrats are so awful at. They have things that actually are scary, but they call it 'global warming,' which sounds nice. How about, you know, 'Climatia?'" -Bill Maher

"We didn't make it about people early enough." -Erica Williams

On "Disaster Porn"

"It's like at a certain point when you're not learning anything new...it's just wallowing." -Bill Maher

"The clue for me when there's disaster porn that's going to happen is when Anderson Cooper puts on the hoodie." -Annabelle Gurwitch

On The Loss of Privacy

"What it's really about is how we do everything in public now...in our most private moments...we don't know how to grieve." -Annabelle Gurwitch

"People used to talk to, you know, God, God forbid. But, no, we don't do that anymore. We talk to our cameras." -Annabelle Gurwitch

On The Charlie Sheen Tour:

"He's got porn stars in his corner. And if anyone knows how to fake putting on a show, it's porn stars." -Annabelle Gurwitch

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