New Rule: If the Daily News is going to run the headline, "Panic!," the New York Post must top them with the headline, "S**t Yourself!"
New Rule: If your organization's job is to talk to the government about guns, when the president invites you to talk about guns, go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House, and their CEO said, "No, why should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?" Here's why, Dumbass McBangBang. Because talking is how grown-ups resolve differences. It's our version of shooting.
New Rule: People who celebrate "pi Day," as in the day, March 14, matching the mathematical number, pi, 3.14, have to also use that date as a reminder to change the condom in their wallet. Which they didn't use again this year.
New Rule: While you're telling me how your "March Madness" bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way I can not give a s**t all at once."
New Rule: Stop saying that violent video games are making our kids violent. It's just not true. Although they are making our kids fat, useless assholes with the social skills of a mole rat. But, don't worry. Little Bobby is not going to the garage, getting an ax and slaughtering his entire family. Because that would involve getting off the couch.
New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should really poke their head in the men's room.