Episode 206

March 18, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: If the Daily News is going to run the headline, "Panic!," the New York Post must top them with the headline, "S**t Yourself!"

New Rule: If your organization's job is to talk to the government about guns, when the president invites you to talk about guns, go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House, and their CEO said, "No, why should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?" Here's why, Dumbass McBangBang. Because talking is how grown-ups resolve differences. It's our version of shooting.

New Rule: People who celebrate "pi Day," as in the day, March 14, matching the mathematical number, pi, 3.14, have to also use that date as a reminder to change the condom in their wallet. Which they didn't use again this year.

New Rule: While you're telling me how your "March Madness" bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way I can not give a s**t all at once."

New Rule: Stop saying that violent video games are making our kids violent. It's just not true. Although they are making our kids fat, useless assholes with the social skills of a mole rat. But, don't worry. Little Bobby is not going to the garage, getting an ax and slaughtering his entire family. Because that would involve getting off the couch.

New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should really poke their head in the men's room.

People who celebrate "pi Day," as in the day, March 14, matching the mathematical number, pi, 3.14, have to also use that date as a reminder to change the condom in their wallet. Which they didn't use again this year.

And, finally, New Rule: Fantasies are for sex, not public policy. When you go down the list of useless distractions that make up the Republican Party agenda - public unions and Sharia law, anchor babies and a mosque at Ground Zero, ACORN and National Public Radio, the "war on Christmas," the new Black Panthers, Planned Parenthood, Michelle Obama's war on dessert! Oh, for Christ's sake, she's just trying to get you to eat a carrot, not stick it up your ass - you realize that one reason why nothing gets done in America is that one of the political parties puts so much more into fantasy problems than real ones.

Governing this country with Republicans is like rooming with a meth addict. You want to address real-life problems like when the rent is due, and they're saying, "How can you even think of that stuff when there's police scanner voices coming out of the air-conditioning unit?!"

Do you know what Republicans in Congress were working on this week? Two gym teachers named Senator James Inhofe and Representative Steve King introduced a bill that would require that all government functions be conducted in English. Because you let someone down at the DMV say, "Si" instead of "Yes," and the next thing you know, George Lopez is hosting "The Tonight Show." In Oklahoma, the voters there banned Sharia law. Which is the strict religious law in the Qur'an. And who can blame them, what with their Muslim population rapidly approaching zero?

"Did you hear about Clem? He stoned his daughter to death last week for missing curfew."... I'm joking, of course.

And how can you explain the fixation with ACORN and voter fraud? Republicans are obsessed with people cooking up wild, non-existent schemes to vote. Ignoring one important truth: this is America; no one wants to vote. What's next? Jury duty fraud? Washing-the-dishes fraud?

I mean, the things that these people get exercised about. Sarah Palin is one of those leading the charge to get rid of Planned Parenthood because... if there's two things Sarah Palin is not interested in, it's planning and parenthood.

And then there's the new Black Panthers. [slide of two black men, election day 2008] Look, Republicans, I know this picture from election day 2008 scared you. If these guys weren't trying to intimidate voters, why did they show up at that polling place deliberately black?! And now it's two years later, and that picture still scares you. Look, that guy who drove up from Orange County just ran out!

But, it's time you understood something. Every black person scares you. Unless they look like Urkel, talk like Colin Powell and wear Bill Cosby's sweaters, you fill your adult diaper. But, here's the thing. There are real problems: climate change, loose nukes, debt, infrastructure, the wealth gap, our addiction to oil from weird, distant places run by monsters that want us dead. Like Alaska.

But, NPR is not a problem. National Public Radio isn't corrupting anyone. And I'll tell you why. Because the simple-minded sheep who take orders from the radio are all taken.

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