New Rule: If you're an adult and you go to the Justin Bieber movie by yourself...and you're not a film critic...you have to register as a sex offender.
New Rule: There's no such thing as an "Express" hotel. What does that even mean? My room doesn't make local stops? When did "express" become a synonym for "even cheaper and less nice"?
Who's ever thought, "Well, I like Holiday Inn, but sometimes I don't need all that luxury?" What is the next step down from "Express"? "Holiday Inn Boxcar"?
New Rule: [slide of Lance Armstrong print ads] You could either endorse a beer or an energy drink, but not both. "Tired of being tired? Maybe it's because you're drinking all that shitty beer."
New Rule: Colombian drug lords need to stop showing off. We get it. You won the war on drugs. Look, it's not that I'm not impressed that you built a 100-foot submarine capable of transporting eight tons of cocaine. I just want to know how you plan to get that thing up some poor Mexican's ass.