Episode 202

February 11, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: In order to make Americans feel better about the economy, we must put up more cranes. Nothing makes - nothing makes people think shit is happening like cranes. Look at China-cranes. India: cranes. Brazil: cranes. America?...Crucifix.

New Rule: Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen must make a sex tape. Oh, sure, it'll consist of four hours of hard boozing, an unsuccessful attempt to get it on, and the two of them passing out until Charlie gets up at 4 AM to piss in the closet. I don't want to say we're watching two lives spin out of control, but today, a train wreck stopped to watch them.

New Rule: Global warming needs scarier spokesmen. For years, it was the gentile Al Gore. This week, Prince Charles got so miffed at skeptics, he almost ruffled his pocket square. So, let me introduce you to the new face of global warming: Suge Knight. Yeah, let's see George Will poo-poo climate change when he's hanging upside down by his ankles off the balcony of the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Oh, a note to Elizabeth Hasselback and all the joke-challenged: I'm not actually suggesting Suge Knight do this to George Will or that he be a spokesperson for global warming. You see, I am always thinking about you. [slide of Hasselback surrounded by hearts]

New Rule: Someone somewhere has to establish rules for what constitutes a service animal. [slide of tiny dog with vest] A seeing-eye dog is a service animal. This is a rat wearing a vest so he can fly for free. Admit it, the only thing Jinxie here is servicing is your leg.

New Rule: When I see one of these signs for the Recovery Act [slide shown of signs reading "Putting American to Work" and "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act"] I should also see people in hard hats building s**t. Dig a hole and fill it up with dead bodies, I don't care! I am just getting so tired of passing these randomly-placed signs while the gaping potholes shake the fillings out of my skull. It's this kind of crap that makes ME want to join the Tea Party. But, then, I remember I have a high school diploma, a functioning penis and a black friend.

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen must make a sex tape...I don't want to say we're watching two lives spin out of control, but today, a train wreck stopped to watch them.

And finally, New Rule: If your wife says, "Hurry up, we're going to be late for our Valentine's dinner," and you reply, "Just a minute, honey, I'm almost done masturbating..." you might have a porn problem. Now, I bring this up because there is a crisis in America. A full 91% of men can no longer get an erection without hearing this sound. [sound of Windows PC booting up]

Now, I made that statistic up because statistics on porn are hard to come by, mainly because when you do a Google search for them, you wind up looking at porn...and suddenly it's three hours later and the dog is starving.

But, it is true that in far too many marriages these days, the husband comes home from work and goes straight to the den to look at porn, while the poor wife is alone upstairs. And between him masturbating at the keyboard and her crying herself to sleep, who can keep that much Kleenex in the house?

Well, I know what you're thinking: "Bill Maher anti-porn? That's like the Pope being anti-wearing-a-dress." No, I'm not anti-porn. I'm just saying masturbation has its place, and that place should be "Plan B," when you can't get the real thing. For me, that was college. It filled the hole in me when I had no hole to fill.

But, now, psychologists are telling us that for a sizable percentage of men in America, masturbating to porn is "Plan A" and doing it with your wife or girlfriend is more like a fall-back option for when the power goes out. What's worse, when someone spends 12 hours a day looking at porn, you build up a tolerance and you need more to get the same high. You literally "jack" yourself into a corner.

So, you move on to fetish sites, and then weird Japanese porn where a schoolgirl is being molested on a bullet train by Godzilla and before you know it, you're into the stuff the Germans like. Horrifying, slimy, violent ideas punctuated by the sounds of womanly sobbing. Like an interview with John Boehner.

And, to be honest about our porn addiction, it's not that Americans are oversexed. It's that we're catastrophically lazy! We'd rather sit on the sofa and show our wing-wang to strangers on chat-roulette than go schlep out to Houlihan's and try to pick up a secretary who has has one too many Mai-Tais. We've become a nation of "cooch" potatoes.

Really. Guys are home, like, "Hey, I'm getting action and I don't even have to brush my teeth." Real, actual sex? Not tonight, honey, I'm horny. I mean, it's pretty amazing. For men, it took only a couple of decades between discovering that women can have orgasms and deciding that giving them one is just too much trouble.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

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