New Rule: In order to make Americans feel better about the economy, we must put up more cranes. Nothing makes - nothing makes people think shit is happening like cranes. Look at China-cranes. India: cranes. Brazil: cranes. America?...Crucifix.
New Rule: Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen must make a sex tape. Oh, sure, it'll consist of four hours of hard boozing, an unsuccessful attempt to get it on, and the two of them passing out until Charlie gets up at 4 AM to piss in the closet. I don't want to say we're watching two lives spin out of control, but today, a train wreck stopped to watch them.
New Rule: Global warming needs scarier spokesmen. For years, it was the gentile Al Gore. This week, Prince Charles got so miffed at skeptics, he almost ruffled his pocket square. So, let me introduce you to the new face of global warming: Suge Knight. Yeah, let's see George Will poo-poo climate change when he's hanging upside down by his ankles off the balcony of the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Oh, a note to Elizabeth Hasselback and all the joke-challenged: I'm not actually suggesting Suge Knight do this to George Will or that he be a spokesperson for global warming. You see, I am always thinking about you. [slide of Hasselback surrounded by hearts]
New Rule: Someone somewhere has to establish rules for what constitutes a service animal. [slide of tiny dog with vest] A seeing-eye dog is a service animal. This is a rat wearing a vest so he can fly for free. Admit it, the only thing Jinxie here is servicing is your leg.
New Rule: When I see one of these signs for the Recovery Act [slide shown of signs reading "Putting American to Work" and "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act"] I should also see people in hard hats building s**t. Dig a hole and fill it up with dead bodies, I don't care! I am just getting so tired of passing these randomly-placed signs while the gaping potholes shake the fillings out of my skull. It's this kind of crap that makes ME want to join the Tea Party. But, then, I remember I have a high school diploma, a functioning penis and a black friend.