Episode 201

February 4, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: Anytime you get two million Arabs in a public square and the headline isn't "Hundreds Trampled During Religious Festival," that's progress.

New Rule: If I call you and our call gets dropped, I call you back! See, because if you're recalling me while I'm trying to recall you, we both go to voicemail. Which, to be honest, I was hoping to get in the first place.

New Rule: [slide of black man in snow storm] If you kidnap a race of people from Africa and force them to live in Detroit, don't give them their history month in February. You're just rubbing it in.

New Rule: Women have to stop having food orgasms. I've heard many women ask, "Why don't they make a Viagra for women?" They do. It's called an M&M. There is nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman and she calls out another man's name, and it's Willy Wonka.

New Rule: [slide of football player flexing] This Sunday, any player who does that flex pose after he makes a play must then pull down his pants and show what the steroids also did to his testicles. [slide of raisins]

New Rule: Now that Hosni Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane back to the United States immediately. In exchange, we will send Elizabeth Hasselback.

There is nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman and she calls out another man's name, and it's Willy Wonka.

And finally, New Rule: If you think Michelle Obama is after your freedom because she merely suggests that our kids should exercise more and eat a little broccoli along with their lard, you don't deserve a place in the free market of ideas; you belong at the Cheesecake Factory. She's not Stalin because she notices your kids sweat Mountain Dew.

Now, this is bigger than America's ass. I know that's hard to believe, but indulge me. This is about the "teabaggers'" fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between freedom and the freedom to never be told anything. Like "avoid food served in a bucket."

It's just a tradition that First Ladies get to pick some mundane, up until now, non-controversial cause to promote. Ladybird Johnson: beautifying America. Barbara Bush had literacy. Betty Ford's was "no hard liquor before 10 AM." Our last First Lady, Laura Bush worked tirelessly against illiteracy. So between her efforts and her husband's, it was a tie. Hillary Clinton did pioneering work in "looking the other way." I'm just saying, if your husband can convince you that the bra in the bed probably fell in at the mattress factory, you can overlook Hosni Mubarak.

Now, when I look at a Moon Pie, I just see sugar and trans fat, not my Constitutional freedoms. But, Sarah Palin recently brought sugar cookies to a school as a protest against the government telling the school what to eat. Which, of course, it wasn't doing. Sean Hannity warned that we'd soon be paying fines for eating salt. Which isn't a problem for Hannity, who mostly eats boogers.

When did the right wing become Joe Pesci? Over every little thing: "You saying I use too much salt?!" "What am I, salty to you?!" "F**k you, I use too much salt! Here, TAKE SOME SALT RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!"

I mean, 40 years ago, when Ladybird Johnson suggested we plant wildflowers to beautify the highways, the reaction was, "Sounds like a neat idea," not "Don't tell me what I can plant, bitch!"

Matt Drudge promoted a story saying pedestrian deaths were way up because the "evil one" - Michelle Obama - had encouraged people to walk more. Directly into traffic. Those were her exact words: "Walk into traffic."

Now, I'm not saying the right objects to Mrs. Obama's efforts because the "teabaggers" are stupid or because they're hysterical or because they hate black people...though all of that is true. But, what does it say about America that even a First Lady's suggestion has to be controversial? Especially when she purposely picks something no one could disagree with! "Maybe we should send our kids outside to play." Well, you know who else liked to send people places? Hitler.

I mean, Rush Limbaugh makes a crack about this every week. Because, who better to get your health advice from than a drug-addicted fat man? Rush, I have proof that no one in the government is forcing you to eat right and exercise...YOU!

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