New Rule: Anytime you get two million Arabs in a public square and the headline isn't "Hundreds Trampled During Religious Festival," that's progress.
New Rule: If I call you and our call gets dropped, I call you back! See, because if you're recalling me while I'm trying to recall you, we both go to voicemail. Which, to be honest, I was hoping to get in the first place.
New Rule: [slide of black man in snow storm] If you kidnap a race of people from Africa and force them to live in Detroit, don't give them their history month in February. You're just rubbing it in.
New Rule: Women have to stop having food orgasms. I've heard many women ask, "Why don't they make a Viagra for women?" They do. It's called an M&M. There is nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman and she calls out another man's name, and it's Willy Wonka.
New Rule: [slide of football player flexing] This Sunday, any player who does that flex pose after he makes a play must then pull down his pants and show what the steroids also did to his testicles. [slide of raisins]
New Rule: Now that Hosni Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane back to the United States immediately. In exchange, we will send Elizabeth Hasselback.