Episode 200

January 28, 2011



"John Boehner cries so much. Is he the Speaker of the House or the mother of the bride?" -Bill Maher

On Michael Steele:

"What you did to Michael Steele was horrible. I ain't seen a brother that abused by a white dude since the Rodney King tape." -D.L. Hughley to Bill Maher

"We have three Republicans and two black people. There's something for everybody on this show. It's like the old 'Ed Sullivan Show.' We've got a juggler; we've got Kate Smith; we've got the Beatles..." -Bill Maher

"In Washington...they like to play it a little bit safe. I like to get out on the high wire. And I think it's important to come to shows like this." -Michael Steele

"You learn in Washington that one man's gaffe is another man's truth." -Michael Steele

"What I tried to do for two years is take the [Republican] party to the streets of America. We won." -Michael Steele

"You have to admit that the Republican agenda of making rich people richer and naming buildings after Reagan is not exactly the agenda of minorities." -Bill Maher, to Michael Steele

"When I became [RNC] chairman, I was excited to be at a spot where you have two African American men at the top of their political parties - one a conservative, one a liberal - who could lay out competing interests, competing ideas for the American people to decide where they want to be, where do they fit in; and how do these parties respond to my community, my needs." -Michael Steele

On Taxing and Spending:

"I keep saying they've got to stop calling it tax cuts. It's 'tax spending.' We're spending that money." -Bill Maher

"I strongly believe that people know how to spend their own money better than the government does." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"We need to measure everything with the same yardstick, the same yardstick for defense that we measure for social programs, that we measure for education and everything else...we need to divide our needs from our wants." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"The other night, at the State of the Union, [President Obama] talked about lowering the corporate tax rate. And so maybe we've converted him. I don't know. Right under our own eyes." -Rep. Jack Kingston

On The Tea Party:

"I'm somebody who aligns myself very closely to Tea Party values and principles. And I think the Tea Party is an introspective movement. The point of it was for conservatives and Republicans to look at themselves and look at the opportunity when we've had to govern, what we've done and what our priorities are." -Will Cain

"You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera. Which made it harder for the 'teabaggers' to masturbate." -Bill Maher

"I think Michele Bachmann's speech was a mess. And not just because she looked at our collective left ear while she spoke to all of us." -Will Cain

"When we're in a situation where we're borrowing 40 cents for every dollar we spend, then it really isn't about party anymore." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"Sarah Palin...is not even dumb for a politician. She's dumb for a reality show contestant. But, she's an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house." -Bill Maher

On Kids These Days:

"Just watch that ‘Skins' show on MTV and you'll see what the problem is: the kids are dumb-asses and their parents are dumb-asses. And they're taking drugs and f**king and not learning." -Bill Maher

"This country really needs a 'Tiger Mom.' Someone to say, ‘You know what? You're not that exceptional at the moment. Prove it. Become exceptional.'" -Bill Maher

"I thought one of the great lines of the president's speech was when he said we need to worry more about who wins the science fair than the Super Bowl. And I thought, you know, that's a good vision." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"We're spending, like, $5 billion on 'Race to the Top,' that seems to work so well. Five billion. But, the tax cuts for the rich people that they don't need are many, many, many, many times that. It seems like our priorities are really screwed up." -Bill Maher

On The State of The Union, According to D.L. Hughley:

"It brought tears to my eyes to see a black man in charge of the country and doing it so well. I know it brought tears to the Tea Party's eyes, too, for a whole different set of reasons. Like, usually when a brother has got two white guys behind him, he's being sentenced." -D.L. Hughley

"What if somebody walked in here right now and said, 'Show you're American,' what are you going to show? Three maxed-out credit cards and a foreclosure notice?" -D.L. Hughley

"They took 'nigger' out of Mark Twain, and replaced it with 'slave.' Like, white people, that's not an upgrade. Like, really. Honestly, I'd rather be a nigger than a slave. Like, if you call me 'nigger,' I can go home; if you call me 'slave,' I've got to go with you." -D.L. Hughley

"The [TSA] pat-downs are ridiculous. Like, what would I put in my pants that would bring down a plane? If I could put something extra in my pants, it would be luggage so I don't got to pay those baggage fees." -D.L. Hughley

On The Oscar Nominations:

"The difference between the State of the Union and the Oscars is that at the State of the Union, there's a speaking role for a black guy." -Bill Maher

"There was not one for a black person in Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Writer, or Director. The closest they came to a dark-skinned nominee was the Potato in 'Toy Story.'" -Bill Maher

"Obama, for Best Picture, likes 'True Grit,' because it's about justice and never giving up. And John Boehner likes 'Inception,' because it's about a guy who works for billionaires to steal your dreams." -Bill Maher

On Climate Change:

"There is a counterintuitive thing going on here, because whenever it is a bad storm, I see on all the Republican websites: 'Ha, ha, ha, Al Gore is a big asshole!'" -Bill Maher

"Telling us 2010 is the hottest year is also anecdotal over the arc of history." -Will Cain

"We should agree on the science and then let the chips fall where they will... although science is very political." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"The only science that's political is the science that's funded by oil companies." -Bill Maher

"Why isn't it a conservative position to conserve earth?" -Bill Maher

"I'm not a 'climate denier.' I'm 'climate agnostic.' The science is not settled and it's not time to put a one-size-fits-all solution on something we're not so sure about." -Will Cain

"[Climate change] is a huge threat to our security and to deny it is to have your head in the sand!" -Kim Campbell

"There should be just a standard of truth that is that if noted scientists say something, then at least it should give us pause, as opposed to some oil company president saying it's not so." -D.L. Hughley

On Revolution:

"Our government, they're on it. They said this turmoil [in Egypt] is a real opportunity for democracy to take hold. And also, in the coming weeks, a great bulls**t reason to raise gas prices." -Bill Maher

"There's obviously a better way to foment change in the Middle East than what we did in Iraq by sending in the United States Army. Let it happen. It's going to happen." -Bill Maher

"What we're seeing today is not something new. It's the final demonstration of a whole process of war with the state. It's been going on for a long time." -Kim Campbell

"Wherever there's a giant picture of the leader on the side of buildings, [revolution] will happen. That's my belief." -Bill Maher

"Egypt has an established government. If Egypt had free elections and competitive political parties, it's not a huge leap for them to create a democratic society." -Kim Campbell

"We have seen this before. We saw it in 1979 in Iran. So, just because we're moving away from an autocratic state in Egypt doesn't mean we're going to get something necessarily that's good." -Will Cain

On Evolution:

"You may not believe in evolution but it believes in you." -Bill Maher

"I don't believe a creature crawled out of the sea and became a human being one day." -Rep. Jack Kingston

"You should be laughed at if you don't understand that humans and monkeys came from a common ancestor." -Bill Maher

"'Fossils were put on earth to test man's faith.' I laughed at that when I was five years old." -Kim Campbell

"I do believe in God. I've seen His hand in my life. But, I do not believe that all the things I hear conservatives espouse are god-like. I just can't believe that God would want you do carry a gun." -D.L. Hughley

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