New Rule: If you insist on getting the president's autograph at the State of the Union, you must first run into the bathroom and put your hair in pigtails.
New Rule: Stop pronouncing it "Tolly-bahn." Maybe that's how they say it in Kenya. But, in this country, we say, "Taliban." "Tolly-bahn" sounds like a dance they do at the Puerto Rican Day Parade. It's like a Ricky Martin song. "Shake Your Tolly-bahn."
New Rule: If MTV is going to promote teen sex with shows like "Skins," they have to discourage teen sex with shows like "The Octomom Bondage Video." I've only seen this one frame and I'm pretty sure I'll never have sex again.
New Rule: If you're paying less than a buck for a taco, you can't be shocked that the meat in it isn't really meat. Your meal cost less than gum. There's a reason "taco" spelled backwards is "O, cat."
New Rule: Stop making horror movies with Anthony Hopkins. I'm not afraid of any evil I can evade by taking the stairs two at a time. Anthony Hopkins was a great young Shakespearian actor. Just ask Shakespeare. But, if I wanted a movie where an 80-year-old made my blood run cold, I'd rent 'Sex in the City 2.'