Episode 200

January 28, 2011

New Rules

New Rule: If you insist on getting the president's autograph at the State of the Union, you must first run into the bathroom and put your hair in pigtails. 

New Rule: Stop pronouncing it "Tolly-bahn." Maybe that's how they say it in Kenya. But, in this country, we say, "Taliban." "Tolly-bahn" sounds like a dance they do at the Puerto Rican Day Parade. It's like a Ricky Martin song. "Shake Your Tolly-bahn." 

New Rule: If MTV is going to promote teen sex with shows like "Skins," they have to discourage teen sex with shows like "The Octomom Bondage Video." I've only seen this one frame and I'm pretty sure I'll never have sex again.

New Rule: If you're paying less than a buck for a taco, you can't be shocked that the meat in it isn't really meat. Your meal cost less than gum. There's a reason "taco" spelled backwards is "O, cat."

New Rule: Stop making horror movies with Anthony Hopkins. I'm not afraid of any evil I can evade by taking the stairs two at a time. Anthony Hopkins was a great young Shakespearian actor. Just ask Shakespeare. But, if I wanted a movie where an 80-year-old made my blood run cold, I'd rent 'Sex in the City 2.'

If you're paying less than a buck for a taco, you can't be shocked that the meat in it isn't really meat. Your meal cost less than gum. There's a reason "taco" spelled backwards is "O, cat."

And finally, New Rule: With the Super Bowl only a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right. The NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer ones, just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. 

Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of 100,000. Yet, this sleepy, little town on the banks of the F**k-If-I-Know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets, who next year need to just to shut the hell up and play. Now, me, personally, I haven't watched the Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime-[laughter]-and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained, black titty burned my eyes and offended me as a Christian. 

But, I get it. Who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving each other brain damage? On a giant, flat-screen TV with the picture so real it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room...grabbing your sister. So, it's no surprise that some 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl next week. That's 40 million more than go to church on Christmas. Suck on that, Jesus!

It's also 85 million more than watched the last game of the World Series. And in that is an economic lesson for America. Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity. And baseball is built on a model where the rich always win and the poor usually have no chance. 

The World Series is like 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.' You have to be a rich bitch just to play. Whereas, the Super Bowl is like Tila Tequila: anyone can get in. Or, to put it another way, football is more like the Democratic philosophy. Democrats don't want to eliminate capitalism or competition. But, they would like it if some kids didn't have to go to a crummy school in a rotten neighborhood, while others get to go to a great school and their dad gets them into Harvard. Because when that happens, achieving the American Dream is easy for some and just a fantasy for others.

That's why the NFL literally shares the wealth. TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put it all in a big, commie pot and split it 32 ways. Because they don't want anyone to fall too far behind. That's why the team that wins the Super Bowl, in the next draft, picks last. Or what the Republicans would call, "punishing success." 

Baseball, on the other hand, is exactly like the Republicans. And I don't just mean it's incredibly boring. I mean, their economic theory is "every man for himself." The small-market Pittsburgh Steelers go to the Super Bowl more than anybody. But, the Pittsburgh Pirates? Levi Johnston has sperm that will not grow up and live long enough to see the Pirates in a World Series. 

Their payroll is $40 million. The Yankees' is $206 million. The Pirates have about as much chance of getting to the playoffs as a poor, black teenager from Newark has of becoming the CEO of Halliburton. That's why people stop going to Pirate games in May. Because if you're not in the game, you become indifferent to the fate of the game, and maybe even get bitter. That's what's happening to the middle class in America. It's also how Marie Antoinette lost her head. 

So, you kind of have to laugh that the same angry white males who hate Obama because he's "redistributing wealth," just love football, a sport that succeeds because it does just that. To them, the NFL is as American as hotdogs, Chevrolet, apple pie, and a second giant helping of apple pie. But, then again, they think they're macho because their sport is football. When, honestly, is there anything gayer than wearing another man's shirt?

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