New Rule: There are double entendres, there are single entendres, and then there's Britney Spears' new single, "Hold It Against Me." What's her next song called? "Put Your Penis in My Mouth"? Oh, Britney, she is a regular Cole Porter. And by that, I mean, a long time ago, gay men liked her.

New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual history, you can't get mad when they won't show it on the History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its "Kennedy" miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them "The Schmennedys." Schmack and Schmobby Schmennedy. And Schmack's glamorous wife Schmackie. And little brother Schmed who drove off a bridge at Schmappaquiddick.

New Rule: If cops in Arizona get to ask anyone for their papers based on how they look, it should have started with this guy. [slide of Jared Lee Loughner]

New Rule: Nic Cage, just stop. [Slide of poster for 'Season of the Witch'] I like Nic Cage, I do. You know, but, come on, man, what is it? The money? I'll give you the money. But, I think we've seen you in this movie before. It was called 'The Sorcerer's Secret Book of the Dead Ghostrider's Treasure.' And it kind of sucked. Plus, "Season of the Witch"? I believe that was last year. [supposed to be slide of Christine O'Donnell]

New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - 'Dancing with the Stars' and now prison - somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men.

And finally, New Rule: Now that they've finished reading the Constitution out loud, the "teabaggers" must call out that group of elitist liberals whose values are so antithetical to theirs. I'm talking, of course, about the founding fathers. Who, the "teabaggers" believe, are just like them. But aren't. One is a group of exclusively white men who live in a bygone century, have bad teeth and think of blacks as three-fifths of a person. And the other are the founding fathers.

Now, I want you "teabaggers" out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the founding fathers and dress up like them and smell like them, I think it's pretty clear that the founding fathers would have hated your guts.

And, what's more, you would have hated them. They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris and thought the Bible was mostly bulls**t. And, yet, here is a popular painting in wing-nut America. [slide of painting showing Jesus, a child and the founding fathers] Yes, that's Jesus with the founding fathers behind him presenting the Constitution to America. Either that or it's a settlement offer for that boy after he sued the Rectory.

Super-religious guy Glenn Beck [slide of Glenn Beck in "founding fathers" outfit] likes to play dress up as Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine, an atheist who said churches were human inventions set up to terrify and enslave mankind.

John Adams. Adams said this would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no religion in it. Which is not to say the founders didn't have a moral code. Of course they did. They just didn't get it from the Bible. Well, except for the part about it's cool to own slaves. It's in there, folks. I didn't make it up.

The founders disagreed amongst themselves about that and most issues. But, the one thing they never argued about was that political power must stay in the hands of the smartest people and out of the hands of the dumbest loudmouths slowing down the checkout line at Home Depot. And yet Sarah Palin once said of Obama, "We need a commander in chief, not a professor of law standing at a lectern!" How gay is that?! I hate to break it to you, but: Thomas Jefferson, lawyer; Alexander Hamilton, Constitutional lawyer; James Madison, lawyer; John Adams, Constitutional lawyer. They were not the common man of their day.

Ben Franklin studied scientific phenomena like lightning and the Aurora Borealis. And were he alive today, he could probably explain to Bill O'Reilly why the tides go in and out. James Madison was fluent in Greek and Latin and could translate Virgil and Cicero. John Boehner can't translate Fareed Zakariah. And Thomas Jefferson was an astronomer and a physicist who founded the University of Virginia, played the violin and spoke six languages. Or as Palin would say, "all of them."

Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - 'Dancing with the Stars' and now prison - somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men.