Episode 197

November 12, 2010

New Rules

New Rule: Massage parlors must stop offering "happy endings." You know, I'd like to get a massage, but I'm terrified that, at the end of it, the middle-aged Chinese lady is going to grab my junk with her rough, peasant hands, and work it like a piece of farm machinery. It's my back that's sore, not my penis. Besides, the whole point of hand jobs is that you can do them yourself.

New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to recreate the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should not do that. I'm just saying it sounds dangerous. I mean, I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter. But, first, couldn't we solve some simpler mystery like why smoke detector batteries always die at 4 AM?

New Rule: McDonald's has to explain why it can only bring the McRib back for a limited time. Are they afraid of spoiling us? Is there a global shortage of pork scrapings and smoke-flavored sugar sauce? Or are they afraid if they put it back on the menu permanently, their customers will die off even quicker than they already are?

Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to recreate the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should not do that.

And finally, New Rule: Since every TV show needs a cliffhanger at the end of the season, and since this is our last show before we return January 14th, our cliffhanger is this: I must do a bong hit, a real one - not like that p***y Galafianakis...iff, by next season, someone in America hasn't given me hope that this country can sacrifice anything to get anything done. I refer specifically to this. [he produces a bag of Sun Chips] A bag of chips, which we, America, are not.

Let me tell you the tale: These are Sun Chips. You know Sun Chips, the corn-based snack you wolf down at the convenience store when you're high. Well, this year, they came out with something really cool: a biodegradable bag that won't contribute to the Texas-size swirls of plastic we now have in both the Atlantic and Pacific. And I couldn't wait to reward them with my business.

Except now I can't. They stopped making this bag because there was a problem with it. It was too LOUD! Like a porn star, it made a little too much noise when you stuck your hand in it. It crinkled in a disturbing fashion like Keith Richards' face. [he crinkles bag again] You hear that? That's the sound of tyranny. That's the sound of jack-booted eco-thugs taking away your inalienable right to be able to hear 'Ice Road Truckers' perfectly while stuffing your face!

Okay, now, I agree that is one loud motherf**kin' bag. But, unlike plastic, this bag would decompose into dirt instead of lying around for the next 500 years to choke seagulls and destroy the ecosystem. Oh, sure, we could have made the ultimate sacrifice and, I don't know, poured the chips into a bowl. Don't even think of it.

Oh, side note: in Canada, Sun Chips is keeping the non-earth-raping bag. Because they're not a nation of crack babies. They get it that sometimes you have to give up small things in order to make the world a better place. Except in America where "Have it your way" is the rule for everything, including volume on snacks.

You think we're going to reform Social Security? There's a lot of talk since the Republicans won the midterms that the "adults are back in charge," having adult conversations about budget matters. Like they say they want to keep the parts of the healthcare bill that people like and repeal the parts that people don't like. Of course. It's the parts that people don't like that pay for the parts that they do like. Yes, isn't it great having the adults back in charge?

Now, this is America. We don't have adult conversations. We have Twitter. If you have a problem with the baby talk that serves as our national dialogue, move to Finland. Because, ultimately, it is our fault, not the politicians. They just do what we tell them to do. If you showed Mitt Romney a poll that said he could win more votes if he became a woman named "Mitteesha" he would get a weave and lop off his c**k faster than you could say, "Is that thing sterilized?" 

So, congratulations, America, for being the dumbest electorate ever, especially you tea-baggers! You tea-baggers, you got what you wanted: a giant tax break for me when I'm dead! So now I can leave all my money tax-free to the new Black Panthers, the Richard Dawkins Atheist Foundation, the American Federation of Pot-Smoking Socialists, the Committee to Elect Michael Moore President and my gay pet poodles, Siegfried and Roy.

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