New Rule: Massage parlors must stop offering "happy endings." You know, I'd like to get a massage, but I'm terrified that, at the end of it, the middle-aged Chinese lady is going to grab my junk with her rough, peasant hands, and work it like a piece of farm machinery. It's my back that's sore, not my penis. Besides, the whole point of hand jobs is that you can do them yourself.
New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to recreate the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should not do that. I'm just saying it sounds dangerous. I mean, I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter. But, first, couldn't we solve some simpler mystery like why smoke detector batteries always die at 4 AM?
New Rule: McDonald's has to explain why it can only bring the McRib back for a limited time. Are they afraid of spoiling us? Is there a global shortage of pork scrapings and smoke-flavored sugar sauce? Or are they afraid if they put it back on the menu permanently, their customers will die off even quicker than they already are?