Episode 190

September 24, 2010

Quotes

Maherisms:

"I know a lot of people don't have time to read the paper. Which is okay; people have busy lives. I just wish they would listen to the people who do read the paper." -Bill Maher

"Blockbuster announced they are bankrupt. A sad day for their customer." -Bill Maher

On Christie O'Donnell:

"There are a lot of questions now about her use of campaign funds, and not paying her taxes, and not paying her mortgage. And on top of that, some asshole outed her as a witch." -Bill Maher

"Any time I'm feeling low or need some moral guidance, I look over at this [Ten Commandments tablet] and realize how incredibly f**king stupid it is. The top ten list of things you shouldn't do, which doesn't include rape, incest or genocide, but talks about not swearing or building statues to a god." -Bill Maher

"Who cares what she did in high school, if she dabbled in witchcraft. But this is somebody who could be in the Senate, who thinks that mice have human brains and doesn't understand - oh, my God - that monkeys don't evolve in the time it would take to watch them." -Bill Maher

On "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

"I don't know what their problem is with 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Even if it's repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: the Republican Party." -Bill Maher

"When we invaded Iraq, we invited the U.K. to come fight with us. We invited France. We invited Germany. Every one of those armies had openly gay soldiers serving in their military. The only other country that didn't besides us was the Iraqi army." -Seth MacFarlane

"I remember after 9/11 being infuriated when I found out that there were gay interpreters in the military who could speak Arabic, and there were about eight in the country that could speak Arabic after 9/11, and they fired them. And at that point, I realized this is an unsustainable policy." -Andrew Breitbart

"What if we say to, like, to the conservatives who have a hard-on to invade Iran, we say, okay, you win; we can invade Iran, but it has to be all gay guys?" -Seth MacFarlane

"Just bring in one gay soldier who got shot and maimed in Iraq into the Senate room, who looks like every other mother's son...Debate over." -Bill Maher

On The Republicans' "Pledge To America"

"[The 'Pledge to America'] is just about kicking out Mexicans and keeping Guantanamo open and getting rid of health insurance for sick kids. You know, the feel-good stuff." -Bill Maher

"The people in the grass roots have created this momentum and the Republicans are trying to tap into it. And they have not whatsoever." -Andrew Breitbart

"[Republicans] always want to cut spending, but they never really want to say how they will do it, practically." -Bill Maher

"We don't need those [Bush] tax cuts...I personally don't need those cuts." -Seth MacFarlane

"It's not just Democrats that don't know what's going on. It's Republicans that are completely lost." -Andrew Breitbart

On Health Care Reform

"I want to know how Democrats can keep losing an argument about protecting sick kids - they lost that one this week. They won't even mention healthcare because it doesn't poll well? Well, maybe if you'd mention it, it would poll well." -Bill Maher

"This thing was not debated in a rational way. This thing was shoved down the American people's throat." -Andrew Breitbart

"Well, that was a slow shove. It took a year. I tell you, if I had something in my throat for a year, I'd be gay by now." -Bill Maher

"If [the Democrats] would actually stand up for what they believe, they could have passed 'Medicare For All.' That's what they should have done. -Bill Maher

"Just because [the health care bill] is 2,500 pages doesn't mean it's bad." -Bill Maher

On The Democrats

"Actually, who I'm pissed at this week is the Democrats. These pussies...they're giving up in their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They are the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and Coke." -Bill Maher

"Waiting until after the election? Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election? This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." -Bill Maher

"Rahm Emanuel doesn't have the energy anymore to unleash a stream of obscenities. It's really sad. He just leaves Post-It notes that say, 'F**k you.'" -Bill Maher

On Science

"We live in a society that's based on science and technology. And we aspire to be a democracy, but so few of us understand anything about science and technology. It's like it's the preserve of a kind of priesthood." -Ann Druyan

"I don't understand anything about science, but I defer to scientific people. I don't understand how a plane stays in the air, but I wouldn't argue with Captain Sully Sullenberger." -Bill Maher

"The great thing about science is that it doesn't matter about the intimidation because reality is the only thing that matters. We reserve our greatest credit, rewards, for the person who gets it right." -Ann Druyan

"Science does not settle a lot of the moral questions that we are grappling with...it's not designed to do that. So science is not the answer for a lot of these things." -Amy Holmes

"The 'Cheney one-percent doctrine' that had to do with terrorism, that stated that if there is even a one-percent chance - even a one-percent chance that the United States is threatened by terrorist attack, we must to everything we can to prevent it because we can't afford to be wrong. Now, you have 95% of the scientists throughout the world saying that [climate change] is real. What do we have to lose? Even if we're wrong, we give up dependence on foreign oil." -Seth MacFarlane

"Money should not be an issue with something like [climate change]. -Seth MacFarlane

On Pat Tillman:

"You know, in private, I would probably talk to you in a lot more crazy fashion about it, but since I'm on national television, I'll do just the same." -Richard Tillman

"He was a true patriot, but he wasn't what a lot of the military wanted as a patriot." -Bill Maher

"I'm his brother, so, I'm highly biased. I mean, I think he was f**kin' Jesus, and I don't even think there's a Jesus." -Richard Tillman

"I think [Pat's death] was definitely gross negligence. I mean, it's criminal, for sure." -Richard Tillman

"When I watched this film, I kept thinking, what a family, what a loss. He could have been president, this guy." -Bill Maher

"They decided to cover it up and use him as propaganda. That's the part that's so disgusting." -Richard Tillman

"When more than half of our soldiers are dying from friendly fire, something should be investigated." -Bill Maher

Watch Real Time with Bill Maher

  1. TelevisionTue, Jun 27, 12:05AM ETEpisode 430: June 23, 2017HBO SIGNATURE EAST
  2. NOW & GOAvailable
  3. On Demand4 episodes available