Episode 188

June 11, 2010

New Rules

New Rule: Don't do that. Introducing "Phone Fingers," a tiny rubber sheath that fits snugly over a finger. Or as they're calling it in Asia, "condoms." Look, if either your finger or your phone has been somewhere so filthy you have to wear protection, nobody wants a call from you anyway.

New Rule: Restaurants that serve the greasiest foods have to stop using the ultra-thin napkins that only work if you take a thousand of them. These aren't even napkins. They're coffee filters. They absorb so little oil, I'm surprised BP hasn't tried them in the Gulf.

New Rule: [slide of Sarah Palin with baby Trig] It's inhumane to put someone with special needs in front of a huge crowd...And it's also bad for the baby!

New Rule: After all the hype for Toy Story 3, it must give me an actual "Buzz" and an actual "Woody."

New Rule: Someone has to explain to me the difference between eating the new McDonald's Big Mac Snack Wrap, which is basically a handful of burger chunks, lettuce and sauce, all glopped together on a tortilla, and eating out of the garbage.

New Rule: Katy Perry and Lady Gaga must admit that what they're really fighting about is who gets to be Cher.

Restaurants that serve the greasiest foods have to stop using the ultra-thin napkins that only work if you take a thousand of them. These aren't even napkins. They're coffee filters.

And finally, New Rule: Stop talking about jobs being lost in a murderous, hateful industry like it's a bad thing. Now, last week, I may have hurt a few feelings when my response to the complaint that jobs will be lost in the offshore drilling business was, "F**k your jobs!" But, I meant it. And it goes double for burning coal and chopping down redwoods. Sorry, roughnecks, but eventually, you're going to have to find something else to do. Try building windmills. You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

You know, it's Washington gospel that jobs in the private sector are better than government jobs. You even hear Democrats saying it. But, oil jobs are private, and look at the toll this industry takes: cooking the planet, enslaving us to Saudi Arabia, killing animals. If the government hired away all the 58,000 oil workers who work now in the state of Louisiana and paid them their same salary to work repairing infrastructure and building solar panels, it would cost us $5.5 billion, which the Pentagon loses every day in the couch.

Wouldn't that be worth it? Is working on an oil rig really that great a job anyway? You spend weeks at a time on a floating well in the ocean. If you want to avoid your family that bad, take up golf. Yes, the oil industry creates jobs. So does the kiddie porn industry. I mean...can you imagine someone making this argument, that business must be allowed to dump toxic waste straight into our waterways because treating it is expensive, and that will cost jobs and growth? Well, is that really so different from someone on CNBC talking about the need for continued deep-water drilling?

Which brings me to this: I don't care if it takes steel domes and robots with saws. I don't care how much cement, mud and garbage has to be shoved down the hole, something has to be done to plug up Louisiana Senator David Vitter. David Vitter is a "values Republican" who a couple of years ago got caught "valuing" hookers more than his wife. And this week, he finally found a place to draw a line in the now s**t-brown, flammable sand of his home state. He told President Obama, "You must not stop drilling because it would 'affect jobs and growth.'"

Yes, David Vitter says a moratorium on more drilling could potentially be devastating for Louisiana. Only a Republican can look at a dead ocean and say, "Boy, I sure hope big government doesn't turn this into something bad." You know, maybe your job needs to go when it starts killing things. Maybe this whole mess is a sign that people who work in the oil industry should look into producing something else that's less immediately harmful. Like asbestos suppositories. Or a season of "The Bachelor," starring Joren van der Sloot.

You know, a man can get another job. I used to be a "luggage handler" at RentBoy.com. That didn't mean I'd do it for life. Jobs come and go. But, once a species is extinct, it's forever. Calling something your job doesn't make it sacred. Pauly Shore used to have a job in the movies. Now he doesn't. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Everything can't come down to money. Some things you have to do for love. Except have sex with David Vitter. That, you could only do for money.

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