Maherisms:

"Rush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend. It's a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say, instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin." -Bill Maher

"Those skills you learn as a census working going door to door could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah's Witness." -Bill Maher

"I'd hate to have a record collection that didn't include people who were on drugs." -Bill Maher

On Oil:

"My friend Woody Harrelson called me today. He had an idea how to fix the oil leak. He said, 'Why don't we twist up the end of the pipe and seal it with saliva?'" -Bill Maher

"Tuesday we sent a saw down there and we cut the tip off of the pipe. Tuesday, we cut the tip off. Thursday, we made it wear a hat. We can't stop the oil from flowing, but we can make it an Orthodox Jew." -Bill Maher

"[Obama] reminds me of what Churchill said about the Americans: 'You can always count on us to do the right thing after we've exhausted every other option.'" -Paul Begala

"I hate BP as much as the next guy, but it just as easily could have been Exxon." -Bill Maher

"Federal prosecutors are already investigating. I think that's good. If they find criminality, send those executives to prison, and then I'll be for 'Drill, Baby, Drill.'" -Paul Begala

"Maureen Dowd calls Obama 'Mr. Spock,' which I think is unfair, because we know where Mr. Spock was born. They want him to be Mr. T." -Bill Maher

"I'm pro-finger-pointing. I am. Everybody in Washington says it: 'Let's not point fingers and blame-game.' Let's point fingers and let's name names, and let's blame people." -Paul Begala

"I'm not sure we're doing everything we can do now, but I am sure we're doing more than Bush would be doing." -Paul Begala

"It's not an insurmountable task to retrain people to do different jobs that don't destroy the planet." -Bill Maher

"The only winner[s] in this oil spill are the Middle Eastern oil sheiks. Because we're still addicted. Okay, our local pusher is now temporarily out of business - we're still going to go get the oil over in the Middle East." -Paul Begala

"I just wish Obama would kind of do what that umpire did and say, 'You know what? I missed the call. I shouldn't have been for offshore drilling.'" -Bill Maher

"I'm relieved to have a president that tells it like it is, and is realistic about it, as opposed to a president divorced from reality telling us what we want to hear." -Andrew Sullivan

"The idea that we can drill and burn out way out of our problems in America is completely false. We can invent and invest our way out. We can't drill and burn." -Van Jones

"You've got one cockroach? You've got 1,000 cockroaches. You've got one rickety rig? You've got hundreds of them out there." -Van Jones

"So long as oil and gas is far cheaper and far easier to generate electricity than anything else, the market will keep going. So, unless we re-price it by taxes, nothing will happen." -Andrew Sullivan

On Israel:

"When I think of the Israeli military, I think of the raid on Entebbe, I think of Munich. I think of them doing really cool commando s**t." -Bill Maher

"What [the Israelis] did the other day was inflict more damage on Israel than their enemies." -Katrina vanden Heuvel

"This is not the Israel I love and believe in. This is an Israel that has gone badly wrong." -Andrew Sullivan

"I thought we should go after the 9/11 killers the way they went after the Munich guys. Individual targeting. It's not the whole Arab Muslim world we're fighting." -Bill Maher

"I think those who do support the best qualities of Israel understand that the stalemate is a dead hand on Israel." -Katrina vanden Heuvel

"The younger generation of American Jews are feeling more and more alienated from an Israel which has lost its soul." -Katrina vanden Heuvel

"If Canada was out for our destruction, I think we would be acting a little differently about Canada." -Bill Maher

"The whole world is overly militarized." -Katrina vanden Heuvel

On Sarah Palin/Joe McGinniss:

"The fact that someone could get me to defend Sarah Palin bothers me to no end. It's one thing to do a story about someone. I think it's just creepy to move next door." -Bill Maher

"Usually, the Libertarians say, hey, if you've got enough money, you do whatever you want to; nobody should bat an eye. Well, the guy's got enough money to rent the house, and now suddenly they've got a problem with it." -Van Jones

"What [Joe McGinniss] is doing is going to Alaska and spending a lot of time there to find out who this farce and phony actually is." -Andrew Sullivan

"I think that's the secret of Sarah Palin. [Republicans] want to f**k her." -Bill Maher

"It's an absolute dream. You have these women with big tits and a beautiful face who can go hunting with you. I mean, that's a Republican wet dream. I mean, if you're over 50, that's awesome." -Andrew Sullivan

On Male Bonding:

"Generally, women wouldn't have sex with me. And so I hung out with guys a lot. Because I couldn't get laid." -Judd Apatow

On Marriage:

"Nobody knows why Al and Tipper Gore split up. But, there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints." -Bill Maher

"I never got married because marriage was good at the beginning, in the honeymoon phase, and then in the golden years. It was the middle 50 that were the problem." -Bill Maher

"Maybe it is the case that it is easier to think about how you could beat global warming than to beat the odds against marriage." -Van Jones

"This institution of marriage was designed at a different time in our life history." -Katrina vanden Heuvel

"My parents just got divorced two months short of their 50th anniversary...and I have to say my parents are happier than they have ever been." -Andrew Sullivan

On George W. Bush:

"It's this whole philosophy that the Republicans adhere to...the only French word Bush knew was 'laissez faire.'" -Paul Begala

"I must say, about George Bush. It's like someone who molested me, and now I've blocked it out. But, every once in a while it comes back." -Bill Maher

"I like it when presidents leave the White House and go out and become champions of human rights like Clinton or Carter. Not when they become champions of human rights abuses." -Van Jones

"You've got a president, you know, arguably the worst president in American history; now he wants to be the worst ex-president in American history." -Van Jones