New Rule: If Rand Paul is a true Libertarian, he has to free his toupee. It should be allowed to fail or succeed on its own without being artificially supported by the government. Or whatever keeps it stuck on his head.

New Rule: Until that oil spill is stopped and stays stopped, after we fill up at a BP station, we get to leave the pump running.

New Rule: Remember the name: Lee Dewyze. Because after this week, you'll never hear it again.

New Rule: Bristol and Levi have to get back together. Come on, you two. You made the baby, you fell out of love, and now it's act three in every horrible Katherine Heigl movie ever. Come on, it's the last scene: Bristol is plodding through one of her abstinence speeches. Suddenly, Levi appears in the back of the room, and Bristol says, "Screw this! I love you and I love sex!" They embrace and the audience goes wild as they realize abstinence is just a big, stupid joke in a world where you can wear a condom and f**k all you want, The End.

New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it - which proves you could have made a salad but chose not to - then I get to pay you with an ATM receipt which proves I have the money, but you're not getting it.

And finally, New Rule: Before running for office, politicians must be informed of their rights: that everything you say can and will be used against you in a Google search. Now, of course we all embellish our resumes a little. In college, I described my job of "pot dealer" as "regional sales associate for a large, multi-national firm. But, we just had the fifth anniversary of YouTube, and the 12th of Google. And between them, they are killing off a great institution: lying.

You can't lie anymore. Facts are too easy to check. Everything is on video. And your wife put a GPS in your glove compartment. Our privacy is gone. Our Internet conversations are forever. I even have reason to believe I'm being recorded right now. You know, as you could tell me, Jesus once said that there was nothing hidden that would not someday be revealed. But, if he was alive today and walked on water, it would instantly be on YouTube between a skateboard accident and a turtle biting a baby's ass. And the first comment would be: "Fag."

Even when you're just at Wal-Mart in your pajamas buying condoms, someone is taking a picture of it and putting it on a website called "PeopleAtWalMartBuyingCondomsInTheirPajamas." And Fergie! Fergie, Fergie, whenever you're doing something shady in a hotel room, of course someone is filming it. Also, be aware that without makeup, you don't look anything like you do in the Black Eyed Peas.

And, politically, it's even more ridiculous to think you can get away with a lie. Richard Blumenthal, running for the Senate, saying he was in Vietnam when he wasn't? This isn't camp! Where you can tell a lie and no one will know back home. The Army keeps records. Or, John McCain saying, "I never considered myself a maverick." Which, of course, prompted an avalanche of video, emails, letters...and probably telegrams...of McCain bragging that he was a maverick!

There's video of everything. So, to think you can get away with making a speech and just pulling stuff out of your ass...you'd have to be an egomaniac, a sociopath or a world-class moron. Which brings me to Sarah Palin. Last week, Sarah said that she knows what the Gulf states are going through because - quote - "I lived and worked through that Exxon Valdez oil spill." Oh, please. She was 25, living in another part of the state that didn't see any oil. She lived and worked through Exxon Valdez the same way Christie Brinkley lived and worked through the Iranian hostage crisis. But, she got away with it because she lied in the one place where it's still perfectly acceptable to lie: inside the Republican bubble. It's where facts don't matter because no one ever hears from that other side inconveniently called "reality."

Twenty-four days...twenty-four days into the oil spill, Fox News' Brit Hume said, "Where's the oil? You don't see it on the shore." Like it's a hoax by pelicans to get free baths. But, you know, within that bubble, people think they can get away with anything: hiking the Appalachian Trail? Getting your gay hooker from RentBoy.com? But, they can't! No one can anymore. If you don't believe me, text Tiger Woods and ask him!

And speaking of hound dogs, just to show it's not all Republicans, our old friend John Edwards is looking for a plea deal this month because he said he didn't have sex with that woman. And then they found video of him going down on her when she was six months pregnant. Senator, there's got to be a simpler way to hide your face from the camera. Don't you have a hat?!

Bristol is plodding through one of her abstinence speeches. Suddenly, Levi appears in the back of the room...They embrace and the audience goes wild as they realize abstinence is just a big, stupid joke in a world where you can wear a condom and f**k all you want, The End.