New Rule: California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries, must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That's how we will get out of this budget crisis. By holding a "baked" sale. It's the perfect solution. We need the cash, and Arizona needs to chill the f**k out.

New Rule: Don't put that in your mouth! A new study finds that dangerous, drug-resistant staph infections in children have increased tenfold over the past decade. And for you little ones out there, the infection eats you alive and then you never see mommy and daddy again. And you get it from being on a plane and kicking the back of my seat.

New Rule: Convenience stores can sell beer, but they can't make it. Yes, introducing 7-Eleven's own beer, called "Game Day," which can get you so drunk you might even buy one of those hotdogs that have been spinning since the Reagan Administration. But, 7-Eleven is forgetting one thing: If I'm in your store, I'm wasted already.

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop freaking out that an Arab American woman won Miss USA. What are you wingnuts so worried about? We took this [slide of woman hidden beneath burka] and turned it into this [slide of Miss USA in bikini]. I say, God Bless America! If this girl assimilated any better, she'd be covered in apple pie!

New Rule: Dogs don't need video cameras. Introducing the "i-nimal," a tiny video camera that attaches to your dog's collar. The website says, "Catch beautiful scenes of life from your pet's eyes." Right, beautiful scenes like this. [slide of another dog's butt] And this. [another butt] And this. [another butt] It's bad enough that the dog watches me having sex. Now I have to worry about him uploading it on YouTube?

And finally, New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates. Not because I doubt they're Americans. I just want to make sure they're not eight years old. Now, I mention this because a major talking point on the right these days is that it's time to bring the "adults" back into power. So they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona.

But, I must protest this premise. Because it's conservatives who tend to believe in magical ideas like, "America is never wrong," "You can defeat terrorism militarily," and "Lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit." And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now am I saying that there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not. There are. But, like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them and silence them and rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground. For example, to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But, when Obama agreed to it, immediately, seven of them said no, now they're against it, because Obama has cooties. That's right, Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them or work with them. And compromise is treason.

Now, compare this to England where they just had an election two weeks ago, and power changed hands. But, the party that lost is working with the party that won. They're not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy Magna Carta. Because the English are grown-ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not: they're allowed to be sane.

They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like evolution and climate change, and whether sick people should be left to die in the street. The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious. And he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right. He distanced himself from God. If Obama did that, we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell.

Conservatives in England don't care about the three G's - God, guns and gays - that tilt so many elections in this country. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows like "24." You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on 'The Avengers.'" The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of anti-Sarah Palin. Let those words settle in. "Anti-Sarah Palin"? They feel so good coming out of my mouth, it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

And finally, one hallmark of not being very adult is a tendency to exaggerate, like this week when Newt Gingrich said, "The Obama Administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did. Which is basically saying, "Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever!" "No, he's infinity times worse!"

And it made me think, were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so. And, Bush merited it. We once presented on this show a series of "George Bush F**k-Up" collector plates. Which included "The Iraq War," "Not Catching Bin Laden," "Katrina," "Abu Ghraib," "Turning a Surplus into a Debt," "Not Doing Anything About Global Warming," "Sitting on his Ass on 9/11," "Outing Valerie Plame," "Firing Federal Prosecutors," "Nominating Harriet Miers."

I mean, giant, tangible, horrific fuck-ups that Obama could never equal...although, with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.

Convenience stores can sell beer, but they can't make it. Yes, introducing 7-Eleven's own beer, called "Game Day," which can get you so drunk you might even buy one of those hotdogs that have been spinning since the Reagan Administration.