New Rule: Stop acting like six dead dolphins washing up on the Gulf Coast is some sort of mystery. Wildlife officials say it's unclear what happened to the dolphins. Yeah, one minute they were swimming through a humongous petrochemical spill and the next minute, just gone. Maybe it was a suicide pact. Or they were all riding in a Toyota. Maybe they swam too close to Haiti and Sean Penn killed them for taking his picture.

New Rule: Stop calling disasters with a single survivor a miracle. When 103 people die but one lives, that's not a miracle. That's God blowing a no-hitter in the bottom of the ninth.

New Rule: Stop adding capers to my food. They're a creepy, weird non-food that exists in some nebulous zone between fruits, vegetables and testicles. If you dug up and reanimated a dead raisin, it would be a caper. It's time to finally take a stand against these nasty, shriveled up, zombie raisins! Who is with me?! Although they can be nice on a bagel.

New Rule: Online retailers must stop pestering me for feedback. I'm a customer, not some chick you just boned. "How was it?" "Are you satisfied?" "Oh, shhh, let's just lie here and not talk." Look, let me define our relationship: I type in my credit card number. You send me a big jug of Canadian Vicodin.

And finally, New Rule: Don't ask me to believe that the hippest president we've ever had doesn't know how to use an iPod. At a commencement speech at Hampton University, President Obama told a group of students that - quote - "With iPods and iPads and Xboxes and PlayStations, none of which I know how to work, information becomes a distraction." Well, luckily, the kids were all Tweeting at the time, so they didn't hear you.

But, what's with the fuddy-duddy act? If we wanted Luddite blockheads who didn't understand gizmos and doohickeys, we would have voted for the "Ghost and Mrs. Moron." Now...I know I'm being a little nitpicky, but how exactly does President "Sanford and Son" think he got elected? By CB radio? No, it was through social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter and Rentboy.com. The entire campaign was based on the Internet.

But, you know, in America, politicians, they do that because they know Americans conflate "out of touch" with "adorable." That's why we keep naming things after Ronald Reagan. A man who couldn't remember the names of things. John McCain thinks an iPad is something that women wear on their Xboxes once a month. Huey Lewis once said, "It's hip to be square." Well, maybe, but we can't allow ourselves to live in the past. And that's coming from a guy who just quoted Huey Lewis!

You know, there's a specific group of Americans out there whose name I won't mention, but it begins with "tea" and ends with "baggers" and they have a habit of saying, "I want my country back." Well, I want my country "forward."

Why are we still having coal mining disasters and oil spills? It's like if people were still dying in stampedes. It's 2010. We should be having mining disasters on the moon. But, we're stuck on a wheel, having the same arguments about getting off oil that we had in the seventies; same arguments about our ballooning debt that we had in the eighties; same arguments about global warming that we had in the nineties. And we never do anything.

Do you know that we can't even reform the way we make pennies and nickels? This week, we learned that making a penny now costs two cents. And making a nickel costs nine cents. Which makes no sense. Our money is under water? So, the administration suggested we should start making the coins out of something cheaper, an idea first suggested under Nixon. But, this is America where no one ever gives an inch on anything, and because everyone has a lobbyist, including the people who run coin-operated laundromats - yes, those powerhouses, those "you dare not cross them" titans of industry. Yes, the coin-laundry association objected because they didn't want to have to upgrade their machines. So, once again, the whole country is made a little worse. We can't even change change.

Which is why America needs to focus on getting "Jobs." Steve Jobs. Because something tells me that Apple would have come up with a better idea for stopping an oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico than putting a giant box on top of it. In 2001, Apple reinvented the record player; in 2007, the phone; and this year, the computer. I say, for 2011, we let them take a crack at America.

Our infrastructure, our business model, our institutions: get rid of the stuff that's not working, replace it with something that does. For example: goodbye U.S. Senate, hello Genius Bar. So, good luck, Steve, because you'll need it. Of course, I'm sure he'll make us change the name. [slide: "iMerica - Govern Different"]

Online retailers must stop pestering me for feedback. I'm a customer, not some chick you just boned.