Maherisms:

"People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!" -Bill Maher

"I always have to ask about Obama, if Bush did it, would I be pissed off?" -Bill Maher

On "Bedwetter":

"I put the pee' in VIP...that was terrible. Don't laugh at that." -Sarah Silverman

"When you have nothing to lose, it's probably the best situation to be in for a comedian." -Sarah Silverman

"Being sent to sleep-away camp ever since you're six, and just wetting the bed every night, is so humiliating. I mean, it's not the Holocaust, but it's probably second worst." -Sarah Silverman

"Your show on the Holocaust was very funny...and I've never used that sentence before." -Bill Maher to Sarah Silverman

"People would rather that the mentally-handicapped not be represented in art or in expression in any way, than take the chance of being expressed in it and offending not the mentally-handicapped, but their advocates. And I don't give a f**k about their advocates." -Sarah Silverman

"I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny." -Sarah Silverman

On Oil & Financial Disasters:

"Would you agree if I said that, between the oil and the financial chicanery, we continue to do a much better job of destroying America than our enemies?" -Bill Maher

"We're finally adding jobs...290,000 jobs last month. That's the good news. The bad news: most of the jobs are in the exciting new field of scrubbing oil off birds." -Bill Maher

"I know Rick Perry said it was an act of God. I think it was an act of Dick Cheney." -Bill Maher

"I think I'm very worried about Wall Street because there are going to be more spelling mistakes. There are going to be more typos. Nobody can spell, you know? So, if you've typed 'billion' instead of 'million' and the world economy collapses, you know, that's going to happen again. And I think we're just lucky that the people coming after us are more incompetent than that." -Salman Rushdie

"We haven't fixed Wall Street, but at least we haven't yet broken it. I'm maybe much more than you worried that we are going to do something bad in the name of trying to make a repair." -David Frum

"We've abdicated a lot of the responsibility to technology. And, here's a case where human intervention could have done something very vital and important." -Alexis Glick

On Modern Terrorism:

"This younger generation has no sense of commitment. And also, no sense of bomb making. [Faisal Shahzad] used the wrong kind of fertilizer. He literally didn't know s**t." -Bill Maher

"The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota." -Bill Maher

"One of the dangers that [the Wall Street glitch] teaches us is we're always focused on terror in terms of military terror, in terms of bombs. What about cyber-terror? That, to me, is one of the greatest risks out there." -Alexis Glick

"They can't light their shoes on fire; they can't light their pants on fire; and they lock themselves in their car bomb." -Bill Maher

"Well, I think the problem with Afghanistan and American policy is it depends on Pakistani policy. If you can't get the Pakistanis to attack Al-Qaeda in Waziristan, it doesn't matter what the Americans do." -Salman Rushdie

"I don't know how you talk about terrorism on these shores without saying that the immigration system needs to be more restrictive." -David Frum

"I think there's a thing that happens to kids like this, that the more losers they are, the more their lives are bleak, that this option begins to seem glamorous." -Salman Rushdie

"Before we tar the whole Muslim community in America with the same brush, the guy in Times Square who blew the whistle on the car, who called the cops, he was a Muslim, too." -Salman Rushdie

"I feel like Rush Limbaugh...is way more crazy, and I think the reason is Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck is getting all the press, and he raised the bar. And now Rush has to compete. So he's saying even more f**ked-up s**t." -Bill Maher

On Global Warming And "Getting Off The Oil":

"The more important the issue, the more important it is for everyone to speak precisely and to be very aware of what they don't know and what is uncertain, especially with the enormous cost of doing something about this issue." -David Frum

"Scientists call [global warming] a theory because they are very scrupulous about not calling something proven until it's proven. The attack [on global warming]  is much less scrupulous." -Salman Rushdie

"We didn't do anything about [our oil dependency] in the '70s, and the fact of the matter is, given what has happened in the Gulf of Mexico today, we're not going to do anything about it again. And we're going to be having this conversation time and time again about why we didn't do anything about it, while our dependence on foreign oil grows every single day. I think in the modern era, this is probably the worst time for politics. I just feel as though the capacity for compromise has just disappeared, and we have a polarized, political world and, increasingly, a polarized electorate." -Alan Brinkley

On Immigration:

"New Rule: This Mother's Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, who still make time for sex with dad. I'm talking, of course, about our nannies." -Bill Maher

"The Justice Department says violent crime in Arizona is at its lowest point since 1971, and property crime, lowest since 1966. There is no problem. There's only dicks and the politicians who pander to them." -Bill Maher

"Because they f**k more, the darker-skinned people are going to rule the world. And white people, for their own self-preservation, should get a start on being nice to them now." -Bill Maher

"I've hired several immigrant housekeepers. Legal, I might add, in case anyone at the White House is considering me for a Cabinet position. And they've all done great work. Especially on my monologue." -Bill Maher