New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying we will not be terrorized, he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans! Of course we're terrified. Being afraid is what we do best. The Stars and Stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo running for their lives.

New Rule: [slide of Sinead O'Connor tearing up picture of pope] With all that we now know, we have to go back and admit that Sinead O'Connor had a point.

New Rule: Hollywood needs a new coroner. When Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are ruled to have died from natural causes and Michael Jackson's autopsy report says he was in good health, it's time to stop using Dr. Whitney Houston.

New Rule: Stop trying to "fix" men. Scientists have now developed a hormone-laced nasal spray that makes men more emotional and sensitive. It's called "Gayzonex." And side effects include dry mouth, a mild headache and a slight tingling around your vagina. You know what? What if we developed a drug that made you more horny and easy? I mean, besides vodka and Red Bull.

New Rule: You can mess with your friends when they pass out, but not in the ass. (I could stop there and that would be good.) Because, this week, a Chinese man passed out drunk, so his friends thought it would be funny if they placed a live eel in his rectum. And then it gnawed through his guts and he died. The worst part of this story: that's how they make moo goo gai pan.

And, finally, New Rule: This Mother's Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, who still make time for sex with dad. I'm talking, of course, about our nannies.

Now, lost in this whole immigration debate is why Americans want to be so harsh on the people who, in so many and varied ways, enable them to sit on their fat asses. Nannies, valet parkers, gardeners, housekeepers, pool boys, car washers, house painters and handymen, all the people who do the things we're a little too busy or important to do. There are plenty of people to be mad at out there: the jerks at Goldman Sachs, the idiots at BP, the guy who charged you fifty bucks for these tickets. Why set our crosshairs on the humble, servile people?

Well, I'll tell you why. Because we're bullies. Instead of confronting real threats like the debt or the environment, or Utah...we pick out the poorest, most defenseless kid on the block, illegal immigrants, and say, "What are you lookin' at?" But, I'll tell you something, you "anti-immigrant hoopies," as usual, you're mad at the wrong people. It was corporate America that busted your unions and didn't keep your pay up to the cost of living, causing your wife to have to go back to work, and Esmeralda to have to come in and watch the kids. Your problem is low wages, not low-riders.

You know, in the 1940s, fewer than one in five moms worked outside the home, ironically, most in bomber factories to beat Nazi Germany, a place like Arizona where you always had to show your papers. I kid. That's an unfair comparison. The Germans knew how to dress. But, all this anger that we see might be more understandable if illegals came here with a bad attitude and sent the crime rate soaring. But, they don't. The Justice Department says violent crime in Arizona is at its lowest point since 1971, and property crime, lowest since 1966. There is no problem. There's only dicks and the politicians who pander to them.

Now, I know this is anecdotal, but I've hired several immigrant housekeepers. Legal, I might add, in case anyone at the White House is considering me for a Cabinet position. And they've all done great work. Especially on my monologue. While the one American-born, Caucasian guy I hired to do some handyman work stole my tools. You know who you are, Stephen Baldwin!

Now, sometime in the distant future, brown people are probably going to - and I say this without judgment - breed their way to power in both Europe and America. Arab populations are growing in countries like France, Britain and Holland. And I think we all see where this Mexican thing is going in America.

That's right. Because they f**k more, the darker-skinned people are going to rule the world. And white people, for their own self-preservation, should get a start on being nice to them now. Nice! Just be nice to the poor and desperate people who change our Depends and cook our food, hopefully not in that order.

Stop trying to "fix" men. Scientists have now developed a hormone-laced nasal spray that makes men more emotional and sensitive. It's called "Gayzonex."