New Rule: [slide of downtown Los Angeles with snow-capped peaks in background] Since Los Angeles only looks like this one day a year...you have to stop using this picture of Los Angeles. I've lived here for 25 years, and even I look at this and think, "Holy s**t, there are mountains back there?!"

New Rule: You can't call it "house music" if no one has ever played it in their house. Call it what it really is: "so s**tty you have to take a drug called Ecstasy just to make it bearable" music. We had this music when I was a kid. It was called "the record is skipping."

New Rule: Just because Jesse James cheated on you with every girl he ever met, it doesn't mean you should get back at him by having Tiger Woods' baby. And kudos to Sandra for doing the right thing in this economy and "buying American."

New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed! Attention, interior designers, hotel maids and the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey': It's a bed, not an obstacle course. "I'm sorry, baby, I'd love to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off the bed, I'm exhausted." A bed only needs two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it's Robert Pattinson.

New Rule: Stop making me type in the trippy security letters. I'm trying to access my account, and all I can think is, all right, which one of you assholes laced my weed?

And finally, New Rule: Although America likes to think it's number one, we have to admit that we're behind the developing world in at least one thing: their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours.

When 'South Park' got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served, or should serve, as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn't just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists, it's better. Because when I make a joke about the pope, he doesn't send one of his Swiss guards in their striped pantaloons to stick a pike in my ass. When I make a Jewish joke, rabbis may kvetch about it, but they don't pull out a scimitar and threaten an adult circumcision. And when I insult Scientology, the worst that happens is it- [sound of electrical shorting/lights go out]

You know, it is true, when it comes to scary-ass religions, extremist Muslims are like Godzilla and we're like "Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret." I mean, Sarah Palin is an evil dingbat who thinks God opens doors, but she never tried to poison gas a girls' school. As the Taliban did this week in Afghanistan. You think about the craziest religious wackos we have here in America - the Mormons - no, I'm kidding. That's not a religion. No, no. Take the worst. The worst is the Christians who bring their "God Hates Fags" signs to soldiers' funerals. Cant' get worse than that. Now, multiply that by infinity and give it an army, that's the Taliban.

Now, I've been known to make fun of Christians, but I have the perspective to know they're a lot more evolved than people who target girls for going to school. Why, the worst thing our priests ever do is smother children with kisses.  But, you know, even with the latest Catholic horror story, Muslims could teach Christians a clinic in how to be f**ked up about sex. And that's because Muslims still take their religion too seriously. Whereas we have the good sense to blow it off.

Catholics, for example, don't follow the pope. In overwhelming numbers, they divorce, they have premarital sex, they masturbate. And, unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the Bible literally. Guys don't look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, "Working on Sunday? I really should kill him." Now Christianity, of course, went through a period like that where religion had too much influence. It was called the Dark Ages. For centuries, you either joined the church or were killed. But, nowadays, when a Jehovah's Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them.

But, before I conclude, it should, in fairness, be noted that in speaking of Muslims, we realize that, of course, the vast majority are law-abiding, loving people who just want to be left alone to subjugate their women in peace. But, I've got to tell you, civilized people don't threaten each other. We sue each other. Threatening, that's some old-school desert s**t. And I'm sorry, you can't bring that to the big city.

I'm very glad that Obama is reaching out to the Muslim world, and I know Muslims living in America and Europe want their way of life to be assimilated more. But, the western world needs to make it clear some things about our culture are not negotiable. And can't change. And one of them is freedom of speech. Separation of church and state is another. Not negotiable. Women are allowed to work here, and you can't beat them. Not negotiable. This is how we roll. And this is why our system is better. And if you don't get that and you still want to kill someone over a stupid cartoon, please make it "Garfield."

Stop making me type in the trippy security letters. I'm trying to access my account, and all I can think is, all right, which one of you assholes laced my weed?