New Rule: If there really are such a thing as ghosts, they have to be naked. I'll give you that a ghost is a dead soul returned to torment the living. That makes perfect sense. But, how did he get to keep his pants? Did the pants die, too? Were his pants also bad in life and condemned for their pants sins to never find eternal peace? I simply can't accept that any pants could commit a sin so grave that God could not forgive - except acid-washed jeans.

New Rule: Domino's Pizza must be renamed "The Pizza of Last Resort." Everyone's got their favorite place downtown. If that's closed, you go with the frozen one in your freezer. Out of those? You make your own pizza out of English muffins and an old bell pepper. It's late, you're drunk, you're locked out of your apartment...aw, screw it, let's order Domino's.

New Rule: Since that Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice, and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership, the pope must volunteer to jump into the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism; think of it as super-sizing Ash Wednesday.

New Rule: Spirit Airlines, the airline that wants to charge for carry-on baggage, must merge with RyanAir, the airline that wants to charge for using the washroom, and form a new carrier: S**tbag.

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty, my friend. Ninety percent of Washington, D.C.'s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones, it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I'd order a wine cooler.

And finally, New Rule: America must get off the space tit. Last week, President Obama announced that he wants to give NASA an additional $6 billion. Which confused me. NASA is a bank? The president said, "Our goal is the capacity for people to operate and live safely beyond the earth indefinitely." I hate to break it to you, Barry, but right now, our goal is to not be forced to work in mines for the Chinese.

Now, I love space as much as the next guy. And by that I mean I enjoy getting high and watching the laser show at the planetarium. And a colony on Mars sounds intriguing. But, how about first we send a manned mission to Detroit? I realize America has a long, proud history of astronaut star-fucking, but we've got to let it go. Because for every dollar this country spends, we only take in 61 cents these days. We have to cut the budget somewhere. Who cares is going to Mars is an adventure? So is a road trip to Palm Springs with Tila Tequila. But that doesn't mean we should do it!

If we can't even cut the dream trip to Mars now when we're broke, what possible chance do we have to cut all the other things that need to be cut, like entitlements and corporate welfare and military spending, and farm subsidies and the drug war and the war-war?!

Which is why, tonight, I'm going to put on my teabagger hat [he puts on "teabagger hat" with teabags dangling from the brim, buttons and flags on top] and admit they are right about one thing: we have to bring down the national debt! It's insane what the debt costs America every year. We pay about $400 billion just in interest. That's almost as bad as having a credit card with Capital One!

But, the problem with the tea party movement besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry s that they want "money for nothing and chicks for free." They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the U.S. They want guaranteed health coverage regardless of pre-existing conditions but without a big government mandate. They want to call themselves "teabaggers," and people to keep a straight face. And, of course, they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect. It's like thinking getting a hand job will clean your garage.

Now, in fairness, this isn't just the teabaggers. Ask the American people how they want to tame the deficit, by raising taxes or cutting spending? And cutting spending wins, always, by a huge margin. Next question: so what government spending do you want to see cut? Answer: nothing. Not a thing.

America is like a family that spends way more than they bring in. But, Mom won't give up her shopping sprees, and Dad won't give up that big stupid boat he bought. Even now when we utterly can't afford a big stupid boat. And you know what America's stupid boat is? It's our empire. We have an empire. We have half a million of our troops in other people's countries all over the world. That is our boat. And maintaining that empire and everything that goes into "defense" cost us about a trillion dollars a year, most of which goes to fighting the Russians in 1978.

Fighter planes for all those dogfights we get into with the Taliban. Submarines to foil their evil plot to blow up our ships with car bombs. And space lasers to shoot down their exploding underpants. What defense spending really is, is a giant welfare program, a jobs program for defense workers to build crap we don't need.

So, when teabaggers scream about handouts, this is what they should be protesting. We spend more on weapons than the next top 15 military powers combined. Let's cut it in half, so we only spend as much as the next eight countries combined, and see if anyone invades us.

So, teabaggers, if you'll look into that, I will believe you really are "we, the people-what-about-our-grandchildren" patriots. But, if you're unwilling to cut defense and give up the empire, you don't really care about the debt, and you have to admit you're just a racist, sore loser. Here's your hat.

Since that Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice, and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership, the pope must volunteer to jump into the volcano.