Episode 180

April 16, 2010

New Rules

New Rule: For as long as KFC insists on selling their new "Double Down" sandwich, which is bacon and cheese sandwich with two hunks of deep-fried chicken as the bread, they have to change their slogan from "We do chicken right," to "Eat s**t and die." It's only fair.

New Rule: [slide of Timothy Geithner and Ben Bernanke sitting with hands in "praying" positions] The people telling me the economy is rebounding have to stop looking like they're praying.

New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. Come on, we're Americans! And until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: web surfing while eating and masturbating.

New Rule: Don't grab a check-out counter microphone as someone did this week, and tell all the black people to get out of Whole Foods. One, it's racist. Two, it's not funny. And three, there are no black people in Whole Foods.

New Rule: Mike Huckabee doesn't get to give parenting advice. This week, former Arkansas governor and future "Hee-Haw" star, Mike Huckabee said, "America shouldn't allow the experiment of gays adopting children." However, feeding your kids buckets of lard [slide of obese Huckabee family] and dressing them like a barbershop quartet...that's just plain common sense.

New Rule: [slide of Justin Bieber] I will take back all my criticisms of the Catholic Church if some priest somewhere would just molest Justin Bieber.

Don't grab a check-out counter microphone as someone did this week, and tell all the black people to get out of Whole Foods. One, it's racist. Two, it's not funny. And three, there are no black people in Whole Foods.

And finally, New Rule: It's time to stop being polite about that woman who sent her adopted son back to Russia with only a box of cookies and a note saying she didn't want him, and start calling her what she really is: a role model. Oh, please, like you've never returned a defective product? Sorry, but I'm with mom on this one. The Russians told her that kid was a little doll. Yeah, and his name was Chucky. Even the pope said, "I wouldn't go near that kid!" Or, as my friend Yakov Smirnoff might say, "In America, you molest child. In Russia, child molest you."

So, you know what? Say what you want, but I've read the reports. And this kid was a terror. Rude, undisciplined, violent. He sounds like an American already. I'm sorry, but my policy is, if I get anything that's bad - I don't care if it's a salad with a hair in it, a bag of seedy weed or a psychotic kid from Moscow, it's going back! I mean, this kid had issues! The grandmother said, "He drew a picture of our house burning down. And he would tell anybody that he's going to burn our house down with us in it." Okay, I think someone needs a time-out here.

You're going to burn down the house? Well, guess what? Today, we're going to learn a new color. It's called "Jet Blue." I mean, it's not normal to make a threat like that in rural Tennessee, unless it's against the Democrat in Congress.

Instead of being demonized, this mom should be applauded for doing something Americans rarely do: admit something isn't working out, cut their losses and get out. America needs more of this. People who aren't afraid to look a bad situation straight in the eye and say, "Here's your note, here's your cookies, get on the plane."

And I will give you a few examples. Hamid Karzai: "Here's your note, here's your cookies, get on the plane! You're starting to give the phrase 'failed state' a bad name."

Michael Steele: "Gate C-42, here's your cookies!" I mean, I like to see Republicans embarrassed, and even I can't watch you anymore. This guy makes Michael Jackson's doctor look like "House." I mean, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time to make Michael Steele the RNC chairman, but the gamble didn't really pay off...unless you were a dancer at the Voyeur Club in West Hollywood.

And the pope is another one who needs to take Kenny Rogers' advice and "know when to fold 'em." I mean, you know your reign has been tainted when you long for the days when people just thought you were a Nazi. I'm just saying, even Jesus knew when to make an exit.

And as long as we're sending back our biggest mistakes before they can do more damage, I hear that there are some great specials being offered by Alaska Airlines. [slide of Sarah Palin]

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