New Rule: For as long as KFC insists on selling their new "Double Down" sandwich, which is bacon and cheese sandwich with two hunks of deep-fried chicken as the bread, they have to change their slogan from "We do chicken right," to "Eat s**t and die." It's only fair.
New Rule: [slide of Timothy Geithner and Ben Bernanke sitting with hands in "praying" positions] The people telling me the economy is rebounding have to stop looking like they're praying.
New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. Come on, we're Americans! And until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: web surfing while eating and masturbating.
New Rule: Don't grab a check-out counter microphone as someone did this week, and tell all the black people to get out of Whole Foods. One, it's racist. Two, it's not funny. And three, there are no black people in Whole Foods.
New Rule: Mike Huckabee doesn't get to give parenting advice. This week, former Arkansas governor and future "Hee-Haw" star, Mike Huckabee said, "America shouldn't allow the experiment of gays adopting children." However, feeding your kids buckets of lard [slide of obese Huckabee family] and dressing them like a barbershop quartet...that's just plain common sense.
New Rule: [slide of Justin Bieber] I will take back all my criticisms of the Catholic Church if some priest somewhere would just molest Justin Bieber.