Maherisms:

"As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the [Healthcare] defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage." -Bill Maher

"Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass." -Bill Maher

"This week was one giant kids-screaming-in-the-cereal-aisle tantrum from the right. There were death threats. There were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway." -Bill Maher

"There's a Democratic congressman, Russ Carnahan, he walked out on his lawn this morning; there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that's creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney." -Bill Maher

"Here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection. It will actually be on the ballot. We will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes, you can grow marijuana in the back yard of your house. Not a lot. Just enough to stave off foreclosure." -Bill Maher

On the Catholic Church:

"In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats...they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The pope heard this. He said, You can convict a sex offender?'" -Bill Maher

"A Vatican official was asked that this week, if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, That's ridiculous. You can't marry an eight-year-old.'" -Bill Maher

"In my earlier book, I said, Nothing good can come of a church which has as its slogan, Leave no child's behind.'' And then they went and chose as pope the man who was personally responsible in his diocese and institutionally responsible for the cover-up. So, now there's no escape for them." -Christopher Hitchens

"The only worry [Ratzinger] had was, would this damage the Church, would it hurt the Church? Not the children.'" -Christopher Hitchens

"There is a hierarchy of crimes. The child molesters are the ones who even hardened criminals shun, or actually kill." -Bill Maher

"Lots of people of conscience have already left the Church, and many more are going to." -Christopher Hitchens

"If [the pope] called for anyone to be arrested or anyone to resign, he'd be starting his own impeachment process." -Christopher Hitchens

"Is the Vatican going to be a pirate state that gives refuge to pederasts and molesters and rapists? They've opted to make us ask this question." -Christopher Hitchens

On America's Empire:

"Why we need troops in Germany and Japan now is beyond me. As with the number of nuclear weapons we have, these are forces and bases that aren't useful to us in the war we're actually having." -Christopher Hitchens

On the Republicans:

"When I heard John McCain say - his quote was - There's going to be no cooperation for the rest of the year.' This is the guy who ran under a banner that said, Country First.' I just have to wonder how truly patriotic these people are being when they lose. They just seem to be sore losers." -Bill Maher

"Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin." -Bill Maher (referring to John McCain)

"The Republican Party is now a regional, monochromatic party. It is no longer a national party. And they are so desperately trying to hang on to the tea-partiers where all the enthusiasm is that they've adopted this sort of war-mongering language." -Jonathan Capehart

"[Healthcare Reform] is the first piece of business we've done in 40 years that's actually leveled the playing field for poor folk. And no Republican votes." -Randi Weingarten

"How can you say that death threats and insults are patriotic? I mean, it's like, when did that become patriotic?" -Randi Weingarten

"Like, whatever is going on, on that far right GOP, conservative ball of 'crack-f**kery' over there, I don't know that I would say it's Republican. I think relating that to just Republicans is like saying terrorists are just Muslims." -Rob Thomas

"What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic, this was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean, the insults, the threats, the 'Armageddon.' What's Armageddon' about giving 32 million people healthcare?" -Randi Weingarten

"The level of discourse in the country right now is terrible." -Randi Weingarten

"You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country." -Bill Maher

"The problem is...there is such fear in America right now because of all the unemployment." -Randi Weingarten

On Education:

"The really good teachers really hate having bad teachers." -Randi Weingarten

"What's happening is that we don't have good ways of measuring teacher performance. And that's what we're trying to find." -Randi Weingarten

"The Democrats and the teachers' union are way too cozy, and that nothing can be done unless the Democratic Party makes a bit of a split with the teachers' union and says we're not going to back you no matter what. It's a little like the Vatican." -Bill Maher

"Not all kids learn the same. And so if you hold all kids to that one standard, you know, they may fall short." -Rob Thomas

On Looking Svelt:

"You drop weight by eating correctly and taking care of yourself." -Jeff Garlin

"If you're really fat and then you start taking care of yourself, you're not eating as many calories and you're actually exercising when before you didn't, that would not be a diet. It's a lifestyle. -Jeff Garlin

"I approach it like alcohol. You know, if I have that first drink, I'm gone. I know if I have one bite of a cookie, I'm going to have some Ho-Ho's, some Pop Tarts. It's all gone...it's all over." -Jeff Garlin

"I do cardio every day. I swim, I walk, I do Pilates, if you can believe that; which I hate with a passion, but it works." -Jeff Garlin

"I've chosen a lifestyle that's not convenient. It's an inconvenient lifestyle. I have to exercise. I have to not eat fast food. I have to not eat sugar. There's nothing convenient about my lifestyle. It's not easy. People don't want to hear that. They want it all to be easy." -Jeff Garlin

"I never was, like, 'dear God' fat. I was like, 'Oh, look at him, he doesn't like to exercise and he's eating Pop Tarts.'" -Jeff Garlin

On Marijuana Legalization:

"When something becomes a forbidden fruit, you have to spend a whole lot of time making sure that when you say 'no,' people don't think it means 'yes.' And so everything in moderation is pretty much fine." -Randi Weingarten

On Textbook Politics:

"Removing Thomas Jefferson [from school books] is like writing Moses out of the Bible. I mean, it's ridiculous. It's just ridiculous." -Randi Weingarten

"The [Texas State School Board] are actually taking that line that we have that exists somewhere around the Mason/Dixon line, that has become more and more the right and the left line, and they're making it wider and wider. And they're making these kids grow up with misinformation." -Rob Thomas