New Rule: The tea-bagger that made this sign has to explain it to the rest of us. [slide of protester with sign] "Do not doubt our God will."  I'm sorry, I don't speak "Bumpkin."  Do not doubt that our God will what? Correct your grammar?  Oh, I get it, your god's name is Will. Well, it's nice to meet you, Will.  But, this is a healthcare rally. Next time, bring a sign that everyone can understand. Like this one: [another slide with sign slogan which he reads] "No taxes Obama loves taxes bankrupt USA loves babykilling."   So true.  Oh, lady, thank God, you're here. And by "God," I mean, you know, "Will."   

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn't make you a bad guy. It makes you a good friend.  Karl Ratzinger lost the paperwork on a guy who molested deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move.  But, let's put popes in perspective. John XII drank toasts to Satan. Paul V condemned Galileo. Alexander VI had a son...with his daughter. All the current pope does is not see anything. He's not the Antichrist. He's just Sergeant Schultz.   

New Rule: Stop acting shocked that this sleazo is doing it with this sleazo. [slides of Jesse James and "Bombshell" McGee]  A turtle humping a shoe? Surprising. A turtle humping another turtle? Not really news. He's a dirt bag. Who did you expect him to cheat with? Dame Judy Dench?  Jesse James just wanted what any man wants: a nice girl you could take home to murder mom and dad.   And "Bombshell" McGee - I love that name - is an old-fashioned girl who just wanted a man to stick something in her that didn't shoot ink. Oh, go turn over to regular TV if you're so offended.

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he'd leave the country if Democrats passed healthcare reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed healthcare reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he'd just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.   

And finally, New Rule: You can't use the statement, "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the first part of the year.   

Here's a word President Obama should take out of his teleprompter: "bipartisanship." People only care about it in theory, not in practice. The best thing that happened this year is when Obama finally realized that and said, "Kiss my black ass, we're going it alone "George W. Bush"-style.   

Now, two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "The healthcare bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi.  

Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that, John Edwards' girlfriend was filming it.

And, yet, even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap, they were being warned not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats, do a shot. And then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do.   

Do not listen to the people who are now saying that nothing else big should be attempted for a while because healthcare was so rough. Wrong.

Because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the right lose this one: when they're losing, they squeal like a pig.  They kept saying things like: "The bill was being shoved down our throats." Or "the Democrats were ramming it through."  "The bill was so big, they couldn't take it all at once."   

And, you know what? I realized, listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something. It reminded me of Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said - and I quote: "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I f**k that ass that I own. Then I'm going to tell you to shut the f**k up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise." Unquote.   

And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude the Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party.   

Yes. It does. That's what they should be saying to the Republicans: "Shut the f**k up while I slap your face for making noise! Now pass the cap and trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: global warming is real!"  

The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous, old reptile.  Who cares if cap and trade isn't popular? Neither was healthcare. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.   

So, don't stop. We need to regulate the banks. We need to overhaul immigration.  We need to end corporate welfare, including at the Pentagon. We need to bring troops home from everywhere.  We need to end the drug war. And we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts, starting with Dick Cheney.   

Democrats, in conclusion, were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant, hillbilly half of this country into the next century - which, in their case, is the 19th.  

And by passing healthcare, the Democrats saved their brand.  A few months ago - a few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, "How's that hopey-changey thing working out for you?" Great, actually. Thanks for asking.  

And how's that whole "Hooked on Phonics" thing working out for you?

You can't use the statement, "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the first part of the year.