New Rule: Stop showing me interspecies suckling. The dog and the lion, the squirrels and the cat. [slide of woman with duck] I don't know what this lady is doing at all. And if I want to see a tiger latch onto a pig, I'll follow him into Applebee's. [slide of Tiger Woods]

New Rule: Stop saying, "Drug use makes people lazy." Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he's been dead 40 years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership For A Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi's new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me, a) his music is as relevant as ever, and b) that baby boomers still haven't figured out how to steal music off the Internet. Very true. It's sad, I think.

New Rule: Nancy Pelosi must lend Tim Geithner her eyebrow pencil.

New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won't plan a visit. Hey, we're your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest or you'll get Biden again!

New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafley is troubling, but it's Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald. And...oh, you had to be there.

Finally, New Rule: The more human beings try to deny themselves the love they really want with who they want, whether that love is straight or gay, or in Lady Gaga's case, miscellaneous, the dumber they look in the end.

Now, tomorrow is the first day of spring. And this is the time of year when we're reminded that love is like a Toyota. It can't be stopped.

And if you don't believe me, consider that there is now a video of John Edwards performing oral sex on Rielle Hunter while she was six months pregnant. Because, who doesn't love watching a politician kiss a baby?

Yes, I believe it was Meat Loaf who said, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

Look, I was a big fan of John Edwards, and not just because he once got me a $5 million settlement when my hot tub disemboweled a neighbor.

But, now I'm one of the people asking the question: why did this brilliant man - okay, not brilliant, but really smart - okay, maybe not that smart, but very cute - why did this very cute man do something so destructive? And, more importantly, why did he do it with a woman for whom Photoshop was invented?

And the answer is: Love! Love! True love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime. So, you've got to grab it. Fighting it just makes it worse, like arguing with an airline employee.

Now, if you try to fight the power of love, you end up making a fool of yourself. Think of Bill Clinton asking what the definition of "is" is. Or Larry Craig's "I just have a wide stance." Or Mark Sanford's, "I was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

Mark Sanford is a man who is deeply and truly in love with a woman, but he blew her off so he could stay the governor of North Carolina, or South Carolina - who cares what Carolina?! He could be on a beach in Rio right now watching the love of his life bossa nova in a thong. But, instead, he's at some town hall meeting in "Cletusville" taking sh*t from hillbillies. Plus, his wife dumped him and wrote a book about what an asshole he is. Well played, sir.

Acknowledging the power of love doesn't make me less of a rationalist. It makes me more of one. To accept that the evidence of love's endurance is settled science. Money will make a man betray his brother, hate will make a man kill, but only love will make a turtle hump a shoe. [clip shown: turtle "humping" shoe]

Time and again, we see that the people who choose love over their careers, or even over the values of society are the ones who find real happiness. I ridiculed Woody Allen at the time he took up with Sun Yi, but mea culpa. It's lasted 17 years. I hated Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles. But the lesson there is the same: Asian chicks are obviously irresistible.

So, I will conclude tonight by telling you all something I've never told anyone: that, when I was a young man, I once knew true love... and I let it slip away when he was transferred to another parish.

Jimi [Hendrix]'s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me, a) his music is as relevant as ever, and b) that baby boomers still haven't figured out how to steal music off the Internet.