New Rule: 3-D glasses can make anyone look like a dipstick. [slide of Obamas wearing 3-D glasses] Leader of the free world, president of the United States, Nobel Prize winner. Here, put these on. Welcome to Star Fleet. [slide of LeVar Burton on "Star Trek: TNG"] Oh, and Michelle's glasses? They're not even 3-D. She just doesn't want to be recognized with her date, "President Urkel."

New Rule: President Obama must not bail out Greece. Besides democracy, philosophy, geometry, poetry, architecture and drama, what have they ever given us?! Greek President Papandreou came to Washington this week begging for money, to which I say, "Screw you, Zorba! And the horse you came hidden inside of. You want our hard-earned dollars? Come back when you're an insurance company!"

New Rule: Glenn Beck has to stop being so hard on himself. After his Eric Massa interview, Beck said, "I think this is the first time I have wasted an hour of your time." Oh, Glenn, that's so not true. First of all, we never make it through the hour. But, when we flip by your show and you're standing on your desk, dressed in lederhosen and holding back tears, etching something about Woodrow Wilson on your crazy board, believe me, those two minutes aren't wasted. They're the funniest part of our day.

New Rule: [slide of model wearing donkey-eared outfit] The fashion designer who dreamed up this outfit must tell us what this model ever did to him. You think this girl looks miserable now? You should see her an hour later when she gets shot by Sarah Palin.

New Rule: Don't mail me a card with confetti in it. Oh, thanks a lot. Now I've got sparkles all over my pants. Looks like I got a lap dance from Johnny Weir.

And finally, New Rule: Let's not fire the teachers when students don't learn. Let's fire the parents. Now, last week, President Obama defended the firing of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode Island neighborhood, and the kids were outraged. They said, "Why blame our teachers?" and "Who's President Obama?"

You know, I think it was Whitney Houston who said, "I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." And that's the last sound piece of educational advice this country has gotten. From a crack-head in the 1980s.

Now, I know what you're saying: "But, Bill, what do you know about raising kids? You don't have any." Yeah, I also don't have any fish, but I know not to fill their tank with Mountain Dew. Or to enter a kid in a beauty pageant, or let him be an altar boy.

What you do with your spawn affects me. They're the ones who run me over while they're texting. Because they're using an online dictionary to spell "where u at?"

Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teacher lounges and their fat-cat salaries and their absolute authority about who gets a hall pass.

But, isn't it convenient that, once again, it turns out that the problem isn't us and the fix is something that doesn't require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: fire the bad teachers. Hire good ones...from some undisclosed location. And, hey, while we're at it, let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.

Yes, firing all the teachers may feel good. We're Americans; kicking people when they're down is what we do. But, it's not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don't know the material. They don't make things interesting. They have sex with the same student every day...Instead of spreading the love around. But, every school has crappy teachers. Harvard has crappy teachers. They must. They gave us George Bush.

But, according to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do, although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So, save the 20 grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.

It's been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVDs and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently that she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.

So, when there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? You're watching it now. So, maybe the problem isn't the teachers. Maybe, it's the nannies. [slide of the Kardashians]

Glenn Beck has to stop being so hard on himself. After his Eric Massa interview, Beck said, "I think this is the first time I have wasted an hour of your time." Oh, Glenn, that's so not true.