New Rule: The people in your clothing ad must wear clothing.  I'm sorry, but when I see a glistening, nude black man, I'm not thinking, "Hey I could use a new sports jacket!"  I'm thinking, "Boy, that Obama will do anything to sell his healthcare bill."   

New Rule: Stop treating Captain Sullenberger like he's Jesus. The headline says, "Sully Retires: No More Miracles on the Hudson." Really? You mean he's not going to do it again?  Not even for charity? Attention, ABC News moron: it was an accident.  Not a stunt act he performs six days a week at Universal Studios.  He did it once. He got paid to write a book about it. And now he's quitting flying because it scares the shit out of him.   

New Rule: Some celebrity needs to raise awareness about the dangers of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Yes, we've lost another talent to jerking yourself purple while choking yourself blue. This time, the host of a British TV show. So, come on, Hollywood, where's the telethon? "We are the world, we are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's stop masturbating with a noose around our neck."   

New Rule: New York State must get rid of David Paterson and bring Eliot Spitzer back. We tried it; it didn't work out; it's time to pretend the whole thing never happened.  Hey, it worked for Leno and Conan.   

New Rule: Before telling me all about your "Let's Move!" healthy schools program, you have to explain why the kid in your poster has an erection.  It's right there. I'm not making this up, okay?  

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. You know, it's the Oscars this weekend, which means two things: One, I've got to get waxed.  And, two, talk radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their annual complaints about Hollywood: we're too liberal; we're out of touch with the heartland; our facial muscles have been deadened with chicken botulism.  And we make people feel fat.  

Now, to these people, I say, "Shut up and eat your popcorn."  "And stop bitching about one of the few American products -- movies -- that people all over the world still want to buy."  Not to rub it in but "Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakquel" made $400 million. And that's a "Squeakquel"!   

That's right. Last year, Hollywood set a new box-office record: $16 billion worldwide. Not bad for a bunch of socialists.  You never see Hollywood begging Washington for a handout, like corn farmers or the auto industry, or the entire state of Alaska.  Except for Kevin Smith, we pull our own weight.  

What makes it even more inappropriate for conservatives to slam Hollywood is that they, more than anybody, lose their shit over any D-lister who leans right, to the point where they actually run them for office! Sonny Bono?! Fred Thompson? And let's not forget the modern conservative messiah is a guy who co-starred with a chimp. That's right, Dick Cheney.   

Which brings us to the right-wingers' most recent teen crushes, a couple of cute kids named Sarah Palin and Scott Brown. Sarah is a former Miss Wasilla who is a weekend sports anchor at KTU in Anchorage, and Scott is a former Miss Cosmo guy. And even though he's a senator now, a shout out to the folks at "The Bachelor," if you need a stud for season 19, Scott is totally there.  

Now, I'm not trying to say that when celebrities are conservative, they're almost always LAME, but if Stephen Baldwin killed himself and Bo Derek with a car bomb, the headline the next day would be, "Two Die in Car Bombing." Now, that was f*ckin' funny! What is wrong with you people?!  What is wrong? I tell you, I'm going to do a show for conservatives. They are actually a better audience than these limousine liberals.  

The truth is that the vast majority of Hollywood talent are liberals because most stars adhere to the ideology that jibes with their core principles of taking drugs and getting laid.  The liberal stars that the right is always demonizing -- Sean and Michael, Streisand and Alec Baldwin and Tim Robbins and all the other members of my weekly cocaine orgy--they're just people with opinions. None of them hold elective office. And liberals aren't begging them to run.

Because we live in the real world where actors do acting and politicians do nothing.  

We progressives love our stars, but we know better than to elect them. We make the movies here so we know a well-kept trade secret: those people on the screen are only pretending to be geniuses and astronauts and cowboys.  

So, please, don't hate on us. And, please, don't ruin the Oscars. Because, honestly, we're just like you. We work hard all year long, and the Oscars are really just our prom night.  The tuxedos are scratchy, the limousines are rented, and we go home with 18-year-old girls.

Last year, Hollywood set a new box-office record: $16 billion worldwide. Not bad for a bunch of socialists. You never see Hollywood begging Washington for a handout, like corn farmers or the auto industry, or the entire state of Alaska.